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P90X Journey: Day 11

In P90X Journey on 28 October 2010 at 10:34 pm


28 Oct 10

In Short…. FUCK P90X and Day 11… I hate Yoga. I am going through too much emotional stuff right now. I got up and did 30 minutes and just had to stop…like seriously, melt down in th emiddle of my living room floor, rocking back and forth while in tears, kind of stop. I cant do this today. I tried to push through it…but I cant. I’m unstable today. Try again tomorrow.

P90X Journey: Day 10

In P90X Journey on 27 October 2010 at 9:21 pm


27 Oct 10

Wow, I wish the amount of words could describe what it is that I am feeling right now. I am all kinds of wonderful and horrible bundles of mess wrapped up into one. This whole fitness situation has made me an emotional wreck and I honestly don’t know if I like it. Every day I fight the urge to quit because the bigger picture if better looking than this current caption. But when I tell y’all that this is hard….this is hard. I would rather do the workout that to walk through the day after feeling the way that I feel right now. Maybe I do need to wake up and workout in the morning to get the endorphins to run through my body and pep me up. I shouldnt feel borderline psychotic or manic-depressive, right? ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Bangs forehead on desk and exhales*

Usually, I am a very private person, who keeps to herself when not in the spotlight performing, and many people have no clue what is really going on with me. The two people who do know the most about me happen to be married to each other and know that I am capable of setting their house on fire while they sleep…..hence why I chose them to keep my secrets safe…lol. But, ever since I started this fitness process I told myself that I would be open and honest about my experience….well I didn’t know that I was going to start dating in the middle of this either. I found it very difficult to even attempt to shut off the honesty of my workouts without shutting off the honesty of my dating situation, and the same holds true with being open…they go hand in hand. Therefore, this situation has turned me in to a basket case. I can’t keep my true emotions from this guy, and usually I am poker face when it comes to telling a guy how I really feel….but for some reason I can’t do that this time around…and I don’t like it.

I mean… I am bugging out when it comes to phone calls, when will he call and trying not to eat away my anxiety and instead looking forward to the next workout that can help me, literally, work through those issues that are holding my sanity hostage. I am unfamiliar with this kind of expression and I like the old me better… I was non-certifiable then. AGain, I think that working out in the morning may truly help me feel better throughout the say. I will have to try that soon.

My steps for yesterday totaled to 21,646 !!!!! My goal was 30,000 but that will do. I just know that I not have to walk 38,354 today to make up for the shortage… it is not a game people. So, let me get back to my emotionally crazy day and I’ll fill you in on my workout later. Today is Shoulders …I think.


Well…..I just finished working out and it feels so refreshing for me to workout at a decent hour. I wot keep you long with anything else besides the stats. I just have to tell you that I love the Shoulders Workout… I don’t know why…but I do. And as long as I like it I will stick with it. I was also all happy about something but someone is not pulling through in the manner that I would like….so my emotional high is plummeting to the ground and fast. I guess this is one of those things that I just need to give over to God and stop trying so damn hard. Thankfully Martin Lawrence’s First Amendment is about to come on and maybe it will make me laugh & I will work out my emotions in my dreams. Here are my workout stats:

 All of these were done with my black HEAVY resistance band 

  • Shoulder Press: 10 [9]
  • In-out Bicep curls: 8 [10]
  • Tricep Kickbacks: 8 [16]
  • Swimmer’s Press: 16 [12]
  • Supination Curl: 12 sets [12 sets]
  • Chair Dips: 20 [16]
  • Upright row: 16 [18]
  • Static Arm Curls: 8 [8]
  • Twist Kickback: 10 [10]
  • Seated Shoulder Fly: 8 [8 reps]
  • Crouching Cohen Curls: 15 [16 with a vicious ass BURN]
  • Lying Down Tricep extensions: 14 [10 OUCH!]

Then there was the EXTRA workout session

  • Straight Arm Shoulder Fly: 16[8]
  • Congdon Curl: 10 [10 reps]
  • Side Tri Rise: 15 (left)/ 15 (right) [16 (left)(stopped at 12)/20 (right) SPEED IS KEY!]

With the scent of my roomie’s popcorn floating through the air….Ab Ripper X segment snuck its way on to the screen. . This workout went like this:

  • In & Outs: 25
  • Bicycles: 25  (w/ one break after 19, BURN!!!)
  • Reverse Bicycles: 25 ( w/ 2 breaks after 23 and 21…done on elbows
  • Crunchy Frog: 25 (w/ 1 break after 17. Legs dont straighten all the way out but still feel the BURN!!!)
  • Wide Leg: 25
  • Fifer Scissors: 25 ( w/ one break after 16 but done like bicycles)
  • Hip Rock & Raises: 25 ( w/one stop after 14)
  • Pulse Ups: 25 ( w/ 1 break after 15 w/ bent knees)
  • V-up/Roll up: 25 (w/ 2 stops at 10 & 20 done only as roll-ups)
  • Oblique V-ups: I think… okay I did these wrong and didn’t go back to correct myself but did 25 of my version…lol 
  • Leg Climb: 15 each 
  • Mason twist: 25 each side ( feet touching the floor completely)



~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

P90X Journey: Day 9

In P90X Journey on 27 October 2010 at 10:24 am


26 Oct 10

I had every intention of working out this morning, but after last night I was just too exhausted. My co-worker told me that I would get more benefit out of working out in the morning….and I want to switch to mornings, but that will be a huge challenge for me and my late-night lifestyle. ARGH!!!! Changes…. I’m working out…isnt that enough?!

So I got up this morning and came straight to work. I will workout when I go home before I head out to PF Change w/ my mentor. The thing is, I know that I will need to view the menu online before I head over there so I can make a wise decision before I even walk into the building. Make sure that my portions are cut in half before I even eat and ask for a doggy bag. I cannot mess up! My friends and I are always out eating somewhere…it is how we bond.lol. but I will workout, that is not in question.

Unfortunately, this morning I went to Au Bon Pan just to speak to the staff there like I use to do all of the time before I started P90X, and then I got in my feelings. I told one of the staff members that I was doing P90X and he somewhat chuckled and said in his African accent, ” You? nooooo that is a hard exercise program. Are you just watching it?” I told him that I was offended. Damn did he think I was that fat , or was it because I was a woman who wasnt suppose to be able to do the routines, or was it just that I wasnt thought to be strong enough to do the program? Either way… I was offended and I let him know it. I almost tapped into my inner Naija!

I think that tonight is scheduled to be Cardio X. This week I will finish the lean program and next week I plan to switch over to Classic and do that for two weeks….then I want to switch over to doubles. I wanted to build up to doubles, and I don’t think that my switching around routines will hurt me all that much….expecially if I start after a rest day. I want to get results and make sure that everything stays fresh in my mind. I just know that the doubles are going to kill me.

It is 11:32 ESt and my Pedometer reads:8,626. I want to be well over 20 thousand steps by the time that I get home and I want to see if I can be past 30 thousand steps by the end of the day. And these are steps OUTSIDE of my P90X workout sessions…thsi is in addition to those. I thought it couldn’t hurt to move outside of the routines as well. Help speed up the process. I may actually start fitting in another day of cardio and going to the gym to run for 30 minutes to an hour just so I can burn more calories and pick up my endurance…as well as use some of the thigh resistance machines. Today I am tired, but I will have to push myself to make it through this exercise. I may get to bed early tomorrow. Well…let you know how the workout goes tonight.


So, after work I went home and I took a much need hour nap. I got it in my head that I needed to workout before I went out with my mentor, versus working out late at night again upon returning home. So I put on my workout shoes and I hit the living room floor running. I got struck by a touch of boredom during portions of the exercise which I had to correct my mindset and admit that it was just me wanting to sit down and watch the video rather than me being truly bored with it. I still can’t do the towel hop with both feet together because it hurts my shins. I also noticed that when I do a proper lunge, it stretches out the pinched nerve and lower back/hip area that usually gives me trouble. I ran through my house during the superman/bananas… I know, I know…. shoot me. At least I was moving… and I did everything else except the Dreya Rolls.

All in all I was happy that I worked out. I got it out of the way and I kept my word to myself for yet another day. Yesterday for lunch I had a small container from the buffet filled with strawberries, mushrooms, lettuce, olives, a hard-boiled egg, sunflower seeds, and tuna. I think that was a great light lunch filled with things I was supposed to have throughout the day. At P.F Chang’s I had the Hot & Sour Soup, Calamari (shut up I earned it), Sweet & Sour Chicken  (Shut up yet again) & the mini Red Velvet cake ( DANG DIDNT I SAY SHUT THE HELL UP! lol). But… I took home a doggy bag and I didn’t eat everything that was right in front of my face. I also only drank water through out the entire day yesterday. I can’t even tell you the last time I did that…and I wasnt disgusted by the absence of taste….lol.

Yesterday was a great day in the end…….I have a lot to still work through. Thanks for reading my journey. If you are thinking about doing P90X or have questions, or are on the program now…. LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW!!! Don’t worry, your email will not show, so you can enter it. Thanks!


~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

P90X Journey: Day 7 and 8

In P90X Journey on 26 October 2010 at 11:23 am

24 Oct 20

So Day 7 came as a blessing. I had an opportunity to rest after a week of breakdowns and breakthroughs. It also brought forth an opportunity for my body to start feeling the pain of the work that I put in. I went to church in the morning, then I went to a ghetto hair show, and then I went out for sake & sushi with two of my coolest divas. It wasnt until around 9:30pm that my muscles started to tighten on me. I was good until this tightness kicked in. It was bitter-sweet. It was good to know that I put the work in but then I was in pain if I moved too quickly.

All in all, before I went to sleep I was trying to figure out how I was going to workout today. I have to work and host a show tonight. I am also extremely tired and I just want rest. So, I will have to workout when I get home tonight around 11pm.

25 Oct 10

Day 8 is under way. I ate Chicken Pad Thai from Noodle’s and Co for lunch…and I think that I will have a Salmon Caesar Salad for dinner. I really just want to go to my truck and sleep for an hour before I host, just so I can have enough energy to workout, but I will struggle through and crash after I exercise. Woooooh sah. SO yeh, stay tuned for the workout… I have no clue what disc is the disc for today. I think Core Synergenics (sp) is today. Okay… more later….zzzzzzzz

Okay, so after work I hosted my poetry show and it was amazing. I found a short burst of energy and the crowd issued it right back at me. That is all that a host could ask for. But then as I was leaving, around 10pm, I realized that I had a 30 minute drive ahead of me and man was I exhausted. I had surpassed tired the moment I woke up yesterday morning. I had no clue how I was going to workout. I started negotiating with myself. I even concocted the idea that it would be okay for me to doubt up on Day 9 to make up for the missed Day 8 routine. The walk up my steep driveway in complete darkness was like walking the green mile and your mother was at the top of the hill with a belt in her hand.

I walked in the house and I started stripping articles of work clothing off and immediately put on my workout clothes. I couldn’t sit down because that would have been the end of it all. I was already cussing at the TV before it was even beginning the workout. I did movements and made it through the workout, stopping just before the Bonus stuff. I couldn’t do it. I finally felt the strain of trying to workout without rest. It is seemingly pointless. I didnt have the drive. I was doing the moves and holding in my core, but at one part in the routine I just felt like I was going to topple over and be done. I wont EVER workout exhausted ever again in my life.

Again, I realize that my cardio fitness levels are improving, I just can’t wait to feel the strength portion of this. I cant do the jumping from side to side with both legs together YET, but I was still moving. I know that I can make it.

A co-worker told me there are phases to get over. He said the beginners phase is the getting started portion and I made it through that. Next is the pain phase where the muscles have figured out what I am doing ….I am currently here. Then you will run into the boredom phase, he said if you can make it through this phase then you will workout from then on out. So now that I know I can be mentally ready for this. I just have to make sure that I stay on my diet. Last night I had a salmon caesar salad.  I just want to be 20lbs lighter by December 11th.  It can happen… I just need to stay focused and committed. *Drinks Smart Water* Yeh…. I can do it.

Total steps on Pedometer: 14410


~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

The House My Father Built

In XX Edition: About the Girls on 26 October 2010 at 10:09 am

       It occurred like a script unfolding in real life. It was as if I read God’s mind, wrote a blog & then He got jealous at my telepathic skills and decided to put me to the test. “How dare I pick up on God’s plan” is what this lesson was teaching me. How  dare I be so in tune with the powers that be that I set myself up in the cross hairs of this lesson’s aim. But here I stood, or laid rather. September 17th, 2010, just 9 days after I wrote a blog about being molested by my father……I wake up to a Facebook message of a woman telling me that she worked with my father and he was trying to find me.  *glass shatters* Fear riddled my body as if the Nazi party had ratted me out to the KKK for kissing a white man in Mississippi after running away from the plantation without my freedom papers. No amount of words could describe this experience.

        It had been almost 16 years since the last time I had set eyes on, heard from, or even smelled my biological father. It wasnt even anything that I missed. But here is was, invading my Blackberry and oozing into the privacy of my house. I closed the application just because I felt that it was giving too much information about my whereabouts. There I was… wrapped in my covers having not even stepped out of bed for the morning….and I was no longer the 29-year-old woman who I was supposed to be; I was now a 9-year-old crouched in the corner of the bed waiting for my father to turn the bedroom door knob after having smoked a Newport.

        How do you compete with that? How do you explain to yourself that the emotions you are feeling are validated yet you fight so hard not to experience them? Why was I on the brink of crying? Why was I feeling heavy all of a sudden? I was grown, right? I had done well for myself without him, right? He wasnt even on my radar. The last time , before the blog, that I had even thought of my father was when I was in high school searching obituaries just so that I could finally know that he had died. It was as much of a ritual for me as Muslims pray throughout the day. It was my sanctuary of revenge.  Housed inside of my facade of happiness hid the fear that he would one day find me.

        So from my bed, the first thing that came to mind was. I rent, so the house isn’t in my name. The phone is shared with my roommate and it isn’t in my name. Other than my taxes, only a hand-full of people know my exact location. I go by my stage name so that should people in Baltimore ever reference me in his presence, he wouldn’t even know that it was me. I never take the same route home or mode of transportation from and to different locations; I’ve become my own CIA agent. I have a google voice number so that no one can ever track me down and connect me directly. I know 4 escape routes out of my house just in case I need to flee. But why was it that….with all of this hiding, he still managed to find me . In my home. In my bed. Waking me from my sleep. I managed to still be exposed. This time, I couldn’t escape.

The correspondences with the coworker went as follows:

    • Gina September 17 at 6:26am Report
    • 2Deep,
      My name is Gina and I work with your father. He has ask me to send you this message he would very much like to see you and sit down and talk. We are currently in Baltimore, Maryland. Please send me a message on what you would like to do. He knows that you don’t want to see him but he request that you at least give him a chance to explain. Thanks Gina
    • 2Deep September 17 at 6:29am
      Are you serious?!!!! How’d you even find me and where does he work/live? Etc. Let me think about it b/c I really don’t see what there could be to explain.
    • Gina  September 17 at 6:53am Report
      2Deep, he works at [employer], our number is 410-[###-###] not that I am pushing the issue just wanted to give you the number just in case after you think about it. Thanks for answering me, he does not have a computer
    • 2Deep September 17 at 6:55am
      I don’t mean to be rude, as this is not directed at you, but why is he looking for me now and does he know where I am? Is he dying? Because this sounds like a guilty man dying.
    • Gina  September 17 at 7:11am Report
      Believe me I understand and I know it is not directed at me. He was off yesterday and he came in this morning and said that a situation had come up and I guess someone told him to check on Facebook , in conversation I told him I had a Facebook account and that’s how he found you. He said that he has been looking for you, and it is important that he sees you. and no he is not dying. he just said to me it is important to him. I do not know the story nor am I trying to get in your business or his, but I understand your feelings because even though it may not be the same situation one of my family members did not see their child for years, and when they tried she did not want to see them. so I do understand. He just knows that you may be in Maryland, at least that’s what he said.
    • 2Deep September 17 at 7:13am
      Well, I will think about it. Thanks. Have a blessed day.
      Sent via Facebook Mobile
    • Gina  September 17 at 7:17am Report
      you too!!!
        Wow! What a way to start the day, huh? The sad part about it was… I put on a good front. I stood my ground and appeared sane. If only for a moment I felt proud of myself. I got up and took a shower, ate, and took over an hour to decide what I was going to wear to work, how was my hair suppose to be, and should I wear make-up. BAM! I caught myself. I caught myself making sure I was “perfect”. I hadn’t done this in years. My father, without even being in the same house, had managed to creep into my psyche and revert me back to the child who double checked everything before leaving my room. Part of it was to make sure that I was well covered so he wouldn’t be attracted to anything on me. The other half was so that I could cover up to the world just how worthless and ugly I felt from what was going on behind the walls of my house. It was dress up. And even though I still havent seen Tyler Perry’s interview, but have heard of it….. I dressed up to run away from the moments that weren’t so pretty. Everything could be dressed up. Everything could be made into make-believe and make-believe made real. And 16 years later, I stood in my house playing dress up for the day.  And I sat Indian style on the floor and cried. I made myself look in the mirror as I did this, made myself self say “fuck the time” as I was already late for work, and I cried.
I cried that the emotions I had dressed up had taken it  upon themselves to undress without my permission. They had chosen to come out of the closet and drape over my camouflage and force me to pay attention to the situation at hand. And I wasnt ready. I wasnt ready to go out on stage. I wasnt ready to speak the lines that were literally written on the page, but rather summarize the thesis. But curtain call was calling me to come and hold this situation’s hand and take a bow….the run on Broadway could end, but for some reason… I was a member of Cats and I identified myself with this long drawn out version of my existence. Who would I be if I didn’t have this as a crutch to fall back on when needed? Who would I be if I didn’t have this hatred in the back of my heart? Who am I?
So I got up, wiped the make-up from my face, pulled my hair back in a simple pony tail, and I went to work comfortably for the day. I was ready to be a big girl. Despite the walls that my father had helped me to build around my fears, around my self-worth, around my heart, I too knew how to handle a tool or two. And this act of defiance, this unwillingness to dress up on this day, shook the very foundation of my father’s house of cards that once seemed like Alcatraz wrapped around me. And a few days passed……
  • 2Deep September 20 at 2:23pm

    I still havent decided on myself, but you could at least tell him that I passed his information on to my sister. She has been looking for him.

    I guess what is stalling my final decision would be.. what “situation” occurred that made him wish to look for me. If that cannot be answered on your part, I completely understand.

    I humbly appreciate your patience and understanding as well as your participation. God bless!

  • Gina September 20 at 4:01pm Report
    2Deep I am at home now so first thing in the morning I will tell him about your message. We also looked for your sister on here as well and we did find a [My Sister’s Name] on here and I sent a friend request to the young lady but have not heard from her maybe she is not the right person or because she doesn’t know me she did not accept my request. I am sure he will want me to send a message to you in the morning but I don’t want to wake you in the morning so let me know what is a good time because I think that I may have woke you up the last time we spoke thru messaging. Thanks Gina
  • 2Deep September 20 at 4:14pm
    I wake up around 6:30am every morning so I was just waking up last time. Yes, that is her and I have no clue if she still has an account here on FB, she an I are currently not speaking. Like Father, like child. Have a blessed evening.
  • Gina  September 20 at 5:02pm Report
    YOU TOO!!
  • Gina  September 21 at 9:15am Report
    This is what he said to me. YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER AND I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO SEE YOU. When you decide to see me I will explain everything. that’s what he said to me. Gina
  • 2Deep September 21 at 9:21am
    LMAO!!!!! Boy, I always wondered where I got my twisted humor from. Now, I see that I got it honest. Thanks for the message. I pray that you have a wonderful day. Mine is going beautifully. God bless!~2Deep
    Sent via Facebook Mobile
  • Gina September 21 at 9:27am Report
    I am sorry if I sounded abrupt but that’s exactly how he said it to me.
  • 2Deep   September 21 at 9:36am
    Oh no, it’s NOT YOU. I heard his voice in my head when you said it. I believe that is exactly how he said it & that’s what makes it funny. Don’t mind me. Long story. Thanks again.
    Sent via Facebook Mobile
  • Gina September 21 at 9:45am Report
    ok, no problem have a good one.
  • 2Deep September 21 at 9:31p

        My sister, the one who would have a better shot at robbing Jesus of a Rolex & speaking to my father, said that she called the number you provided today around 4pm your time & no one answered. When is there a better time to call?I don’t know you, but I pray that this isn’t a prank,   for my sister’s sake. B/c this would kill her if she couldn’t actually get in contact w/ him. Thanks.

  • Gina    September 22 at 6:40am Report
  • 2Deep, this is not a joke!! I know your first name is [My Name] (spelling may be wrong) or at least that is what your father told me. He works 7 to 3:30 we close at 4:00 and believe me the girls in the office leave at 5 of. our answering machine does not come on until 5:00 pm
    she can call during th day at anytime. she did friend me and I am sure he will send a message. Thanks Gina
  • 2Deep   September 22 at 6:43am
  • Thanks so very much. I care more about her talking to her name sake than myself. My apologies if I sounded rude, I just have to play big sis and make sure that she isn’t being messed with. Have a blessed day.
  • Sent via Facebook Mobile
  • Gina September 22 at 6:48am Report
  • I do not think you are being rude. Again I don’t know the whole story and of course what little I am hearing is one side. after working with your Dad for 4yrs I kind of know how he is, and after talking to you for just a few short days I can tell that you have grown into a fine young lady with or with out him. I can understand why you want to protect your family. Have a great day!!!
  • 2Deep September 22 at 6:55am
  • Wow! 4 years?! More power to you! I guess my curiosity only wants to know what he looks like. I don’t think that I am either emotionally or mentally prepared to hear much else at this time. Still praying on it. If I were to ever contact him I would have to feel safe & have all of my tracks covered. I am a secluded person, very secretive & private, & wish for not even friends to be able to find me or know where I live, all thanks to him. Been this way since my teens. So I will continue to pray about it & hope that he doesn’t feed my sister lies or false hopes. Thanks again for everything. God bless.
  • Sent via Facebook Mobile
  • Gina September 22 at 6:58am Report
  • I hope he doesn’t feed either one of you lies and false hope. I will bring a camera in and take a picture and post it on my account for you. (if I can remember, I am old lol…) What ever your decision is I am just the messenger and I wish you well. I am sure we will talk again
  • 2Deep    September 22 at 6:59am
  • Thanks. God bless!
        Then one day, as if I wasnt moving on his time. I get a message that shook my defiance awake. It was as if this was a true test to my face! Bold, deliberate and outright disrespectful to my very being…to my existence. I woke up to a heading that read:  [2Deep], THIS IS A LETTER YOUR FATHER WROTE TO SEND YOU. HE ASK ME TO SEND IT THROUGH FACEBOOK,  and it read:
    • Gina September 24 at 1:37pm Report
      [misspelled my name],
      It saddens me that you have to think about seeing your father. That tells me that the amount of poison that you have been fed has become lethal and my suffering will continue. On the other hand I am so very proud of you and your accomplishments!!!!! you appear to be a very beautiful young lady with a promising future. I will always love you and I look forward to the day that you can look pass my failures as a parent and try to start a new relationship with me..your father.

      (2Deep, I was hesitant to send this to you because I feel that it is not my place, but he asked because he has no way to contact you and he kept asking me. ) Gina

    • 2Deep  September 24 at 1:49pm
      Thank you so very much. If there is an address (US Postal) for him where I can reply, I’ll address/reply to him personally. Since he is playing victim & suffering from a bout w/ amnesia, I’ll remain on the borders of the real issues as well. Again, you are heaven-sent & your efforts are genuinely appreciated. God bless.~2Deep
      Sent via Facebook Mobile
    • 2Deep  September 24 at 2:09pm
      P.S. Please tell him to learn how to properly spell my name, if that wasn’t a typo.
        There it was. He didn’t take responsibility for anything. it was this mysterious “poison” that I was supposed to have been fed. I felt hurt all over again, but this time I decided to fight back. I fought the urge to cry, I wavered on what I should do… so I did what came naturally… I called my dad (godfather).
I mentioned it to my dad and my mother over heard the conversation. She said to me, “Forgive him, and then move on. Dont confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.”  And that was that. Again, my mother said the simplest thing and it made perfect sense. I didn’t have to sit in turmoil over what to do. I just had to respectfully forgive. I would never be as outright as Tyler and pay for his bills, etc. But I could at least respect his position of who he should have been and close this for myself. I still havent done it yet… but I plan to. I don’t know if I want to write a letter, or to call, or to see him in person just to close this out for myself. But one day soon… I will be free. 
I wonder what it will be like to live in a new house. A house where I won the keys, where my name is on all owner’s documents. Because living in this house that my father built has brought forth some bitter-sweet memories. I am thankful that I survived, but bitter that I had to endure the construction of these walls all in the same breath. Each day I build a foundation of courage to speak my mind , the wisdom to know what to say and if I should ask questions, the strength to walk away , the understanding to not feel guilty, and forgiveness to truly mean it for good. Forgiveness: Extreme Makeovers: Home Edition.
~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

P90X Journey: Day 6

In P90X Journey on 23 October 2010 at 10:12 pm


23 October 10

Today I have been on an emotional roller coaster.

Oddly enough, instead of turning to food, I had the urge to want to walk it off or go to the gym. I felt good about that. I have only eaten once today ( nachos at the movies…bad? I know!) and even though it is not good it is a break in my habit.  So here is is…7:00 pm and I am going to work out at 8pm. I think that I will look forward to it and make sure that I can get through the entire workout rather than let my emotions get the best of me. Will write an update after I work out. Day 6…..a testament that I kept to my word for 6 days in a row. That feels very good to me.

 10:09pm (Pedometer reads 13364 steps for today so far)

I just finished Kenpo X!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have gone 6 Days in a row of working out. I was actually looking forward to working out. I FEEL GREAT!!! I didn’t let my problems stop me from a goal. I got up and I kissed ass!!! I did EVERY single move. I didn’t do the first rep of each move just so I could see what it was…but other than that… (Forrest Gump voice) I was MOVING!!!…lmbo!

I kicked the crap out of my problems. It was just me, Tony Horton and my determination to succeed. I don’t feel down like I did before I started. I felt like I was in a rut…and I think it was my csub-onscience trying to get me not to workout, but I over came it. I learned the lesson of fitness, not food when mad. This comforted me now, and it will comfort me through fitness success later. It is the gift that keeps on giving.

I only took water breaks during the break but I picked back up on the jump ropes, jumping jacks and Jump X every single time!!! I was doing Jumping jacks at the same speed they were and not the fat girl hops. This feelsamazing!!!! I feel like I am rambling…. and I probably am…but screw you I am proud of my fitness. I think that after all of the hours I wallowed in my unhealthy behaviors.. .I think I deserve a minimum of 90 days to celebrate my success in fitness. I love this so much that tomorrow will NOT be a rest day… I am going to do the Stretch X.

I am noticing that my right hip/lower back still feels tight at the beginning of workouts, but as the workout goes on it tends to go away or it begins to allow me to sink deeper into my stretches. Like I said before, my jumping jacks don’t feel so horrible, and my kicks are becoming more stable. My weakness still lies in my upper body strength and leg power/stability when in squats or bends. I am also still not flexible with leg stretches. I say this now….and add a huge YET!

Instead of me thinking about how I have 84 days left… I’m going to say that I finished 6 days…. I have another 6 to go. I’ve never done more than a week of fitness in a row. Not only is Belize, Grand Cayman, Cozumel, and ISla Roatan my motivation…neither is my looming 30th birthday…but the REST OF MY LIFE!!! I let me 20s slip through my hands by being obese. It is time for me to live. I DID THIS TO MYSELF AND IT IS NO TIME FOR ME TO UNDO THIS TO MYSELF!!!!

WHo would have known that I would workout for an hour a day? Whatever has changed in me ( probably my mind state) I am happy. It is making me unstable in other areas of my life…lol..because I am afraid that I will fail or afraid of what being fit will bring to my life….but I will work on that part when it gets here. Today…today I am happy! And much like my Live Now Fitness T-shirt says… Train Hard, Or Go Home! Thankfully I am already in my home….lol… but I am still training hard. I have also learned that pain does not mean you are working hard… it could mean that you are working incorrectly. I am only sore for a few hours when I wake up in the morning and the stiffness disappears as the day goes on. It doesn’t mean that I have not worked out like I was supposed to, the sweat pouring in crevices that I think God forgot he created is evidence enough that I am stepping outside of my comfort zone and working it out.

Enough of my victory. What was your victory today?


~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

P90X Journey: Day 5

In P90X Journey on 23 October 2010 at 6:07 pm

So, I forgot to write about this last night, but I did exercise. SO here is the short version

Legs & Back:

Balance Lunges: 15 (lt), 15 (t)

Calf Raise Squats: 25 (ft), 25 (rt)

Reverse Grip Chin-ups: 16

Super Skater: 25 each

Wall Squat: The full time

Wide Front Pull-ups: 22 ( Heavy Resistance bands)

Step Back Lunge: 20 each side ( Heavy Resistance bands)

Alternating Side Lunges: 24 (Medium Resistance Bands)

Closed Grip Overhead Pull-ups: 20 (Heavy Resistance Bands)

Single Leg Wall Squat: 1 minute ( I was up just a little higher than 90 degrees)

Dead Lift Squat: 20 each ( left leg used the toe tap)

Switch Grip Pull-ups: 30

3 Way Lunges: 5 rounds each side

Sneaky Lunges: 20 ( dropped twice)

Reverse Grip Chin-ups: 20 (Heavy Resistance Bands)

Chair Salutations: Stopped with 2 seconds left

Toe-Roll Iso Lunge: 20 each side

Wide Front Pull-ups: 20

Groucho Walk: Full time

Calf Raises: Full time

Closed Grip Overhead Pull-ups: 20

80-20 Siebers Speed Squats: 30 all /each

Switch Grip: 20 ( 10 each direction)

Ab Ripper X:

  • In & Outs: 25
  • Bicycles: 25
  • Reverse Bicycles: 25 (but I was leaning back on my elbows) 
  • Crunchy Frog: 25 (I had 2 breaks but I did 16 straight before my first break)
  • Wide leg Situps: 25 (I had 1 break but did 14 straight before my first break)
  • Fifer Scissors: 25 (w/ 1 break , did them like Bicycles instead of straight leg. Did 15 straight before my first break)
  • Hip Rock & Raises: 25 ( w/ 1 break and I did 15 straight before my fist break)
  • Pulse Ups: 25 ( no BREAKS!!! w/ bent knees)
  • V-up/Roll up: 25 (w/ 1 break. I did 7 combos before I took a break, the rest were single roll ups)
  • Oblique V-ups: 25 each side w/o a break!! (I realized arm placement was  wrong & made adjustment) 
  • Leg Climb: 10 on each leg ( right leg is tight and I struggled) 
  • Mason twist: 16 ( 8 reps before each breaks. Total of 2 breaks) I stopped because I was light-headed and didn’t eat.
  • I did them all!!! I was pretty proud of myself. And even though I stumbled or had to take breaks in between some of the reps, I was determined to make up for my Yoga failure. I told myself that no matter what, I would have to finish the reps, even iff I had to pause the video and take a quick break. I have to keep that mentality. I cannot stop.

    I didn’t feel well today but I made sure that I exercised just the same. I took it at my own pace…but I finished. There was no excuse from me to hide behind.

    I was speaking to a coworker about the program and I had to admit to a few things. I told he that this program has already made me have one breakthrough. While working out, you notice your weaknesses. And if you are honest with yourself, you begin to get mad at yourself for not being fit enough to finish the tasks. The next step that came to mind was the fact of , ” how did I get this way?” No one made me eat the Doritos that made my thighs so heavy that I can’t hold them up for this Crunchy Frog, that was all my doing.  And THAT was the point of me breaking down in tears. Me realizing that I had done this too myself. I was the reason I was sitting here unhealthy, out of shape, and full of anger at MYSELF for not backing away from the table sooner, for not walking more steps in a  day, for being lazy fo no damn reason other than the fact that I just didn’t feel like being active. And then I hit the breaking point. What were the real causes behind me not giving a damn. I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t bring myself to admit to that part and I choked, broke out in tears and begin to promise myself that I would begin the healing process……all of this just because I wouldn’t freaking workout.

    No other trainer, no gym membership, not fitness buddies could ever make me hit this threshold. Why P90X? Why was it now that made me break down? My mind was finally in the right place for me to stick to a fitness program, to blog about it to become honest about my habits. But why now? Why was my underlying past and secrets that caused me to each for therapy finally making me cry at the thought of push ups? I guess I will never know.


    ~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

    P90X Journey: Day 4 (Yoga)

    In P90X Journey on 21 October 2010 at 8:21 pm

    There are not enough cuss words in the English dictionary for me to express how I feel about this entire session. I was actually excited about working out. I dont do Yoga, I dont like Yoga, yet I was ready to do this workout. THIS SHIT IS BORING AS HELL!!!!

    First off, this workout is like an hour and a half!!!!! What happened to the one hour sessions? That messed with my mental stamina to begin with. Then having nothing to face but my breathing and Tony Horton’s voice is like death. I don’t sit still long enough in my room to hear myself think and yet they want me to do it while struggling? I beg to differ dear crackheads of Beach Body!!!!

    I made it on and off to about 43 minutes left in the program before I got up and answered a phone call from my homegirl. Just bored. Then I joined back in for the core/balancing exercises and found those familiar. Well I be damn……it was because it wasnt familiar. Wow…. just typed that into realization. But the strange part cam when I just busted into tears in the middle of the half boat. I mean full-out baby bawling. And in the middle I mumbled to myself that I deserve to be able to do this, I want to be able to do this. I think I just had my first fitness breakthrough.

    The other workouts keep me moving, keep me motivated and keep me so busy that I don’t really think about me. Yoga showed me my weakness and I dont like it. It hurt my pride and made me face the fact that I am out of shape. That reality sucks butt like Pookie looking for a fix. I think this was just the first of many to come. I will have to force myself on the next Yoga day to push through every position…every pose, every salutation. I just want to succeed at this. I am afraid of failing at Yoga…of all things, YOGA! Fudge your Nomaste! Okay, that was a bit harsh. How about. Nom dat hoe, rang dat hooooooe!

    Okay, all jokes aside. This just made me vulnerable. I make a vow that next Yoga day I will do EVERY pose. Even if I have to do the variation or modified version….I will have to bring it. I originally felt that this was a fail….but I got something out of it. I came face to face with both failure and success all in the middle of a workout. The fear of failing at another fitness program and the possibility of succeeding and becoming fit and facing my fears of being just another fit girl. But that is an entirely different blog.

    Well, let me get dressed and head out to The Park with my crew….take my mind off of this. I also need food…lol. Thanks for reading. I needed to vent. Better luck tomorrow.

    I Don’t Like You, B/C Its Me

    In Random Mannerisms & Thoughts on 21 October 2010 at 12:26 am


            If there ever was a time to say, “it’s not you, its me” this would be the perfect opportunity. I am perfectly aware that there are people who I just cannot stand because they possess some of the very traits that I either once had or still have within my personality. Or in the extreme case, I just don’t like them because I don’t want to obtain that trait so I stay as far away from them as possible. But this is a truth. I can be honest and say that there are things that I don’t like about myself, and once I see them in you… you need to get the hell on.

            For starters, I talk a LOT. I talk more than my share of oxygen should ever allow in one exhale, but I like to receive the most precise information and nothing more. Once you tell me the shortest, to the point, and informative information….shut the hell up. If I ask you were you are, your response should be “In the car, on 495 South, headed to Woodbridge.”  I do NOT want to hear that you “maybe on your way to see your boyfriend, after you swing past your mama’s house for some cheesecake, but your brother pissed you off so you don’t know when you might make it to wherever it is that people who give two shits about this babbling nonsense happen to be.” If you read that previous run-on….shoot yourself! I HATE IT! You lost me after the first 10 seconds. I need the Twitter version. The held at gunpoint edition. Which ever version will get out your answer in 140 or less without me getting so frustrated that I put a bullet in your lingual muscle. Less is ALWAYS more unless you are a man with a “length deficiency”.  In succinct form….HIT THE BREAKS, TRICK! ZIP IT! Answer me or shut up!!!!!!!

            Secondly, I once was and still am a very vulnerable woman when it comes to guys. I have made mistakes that I can’t take back but lessons came along with those impromptu exams. I wear my medals of insecurity proudly as I walk with my head held high, but it seriously irks the living feces out of me to see another female dictate her existence through which man is currently in her life. Maybe a part of me is envious that they live a lifestyle that I don’t, but it should never reach a point to where people closest to you cannot figure out which guy you are talking about because you boast about being with so many. It doesn’t scream playa, it screams played. It screams insecure woman searching for something that she’s either never had or hasn’t had in a while, but above all….she doesn’t have it. A woman who has it or doesnt need the validation is very secretive if nothing else. But I remember the days when I bragged and showboated, took pictures with and was constantly in contact with a guy because it made me feel wanted, it let others think that I was wanted, but it was never meant to show the world that I was a lonely girl looking for something and ended up with nothing more than A.M. Hoe Strolls, After Hour Creep-ins, and random phone calls to wait to hear him tell me how much he cared. Been there, cried that. So these days, after trial and error…I lose respect for people who behave in my old habits. I didn’t say I was right in doing so, I just said that I could admit that I do. And though my jovial moments can prove quite “out there” when it comes to expressing myself, I know my limits, and those limits include refraining from processing the endorphins needed to like a person who behaves aformentionably. Is that a word? Okay, it is now.

            Thirdly, I love hard, sometimes…okay since we’re being honest…all the time to a fault. Therefore, I can tell when someone is trying too hard to win over my affection. I can tell when a man is looking for a mate, any mate, and not particularly me. I also know when a guy is pulling away out of fear, the that this session of affection may be unconditional and could actually work. This causes me to be turned off by guys who reach for my hand after only meeting me for a second time, or the guy who tries to kiss me because he is thinking of his own lust rather than me being comfortable or even liking him enough to make the attempt. I cringe at a guy giving me pet names because he thinks that I would like it, rather than thinking that it is too soon and we are not that close yet. Or a guy who will take all of my dismissals as me playing hard to get because they want ….by default…me. I’ve been there, and I know the outcome of such a desperate expression and thereby am turned off by it just as well. This could connect back with my second reason as well, especially since I am on a continuous journey to believe that one day someone will love me for the wonderful and amazing person that I am and not by default. So maybe, just maybe, this could be my new defense mechanism to help uphold that belief. Who knows! Whatever the reason, I don’t like it in other people.

            Lastly, I hate a hypocrite. I hate people who live in straw houses mounted on the San Andres Fault giving out advice while playing golf in the living room. You know the person, the kind who will be in a very jacked up situation and will tell someone else how not to put up with the very same situation. I’ve been there. I’ve told friends to workout and get healthy while I slumped back in my depression because I couldn’t find support. I’ve told other women how not to put up with abusive situations and allowed myself to be in a form that I considered less harmful than the one I was supposedly curing. Human nature, I guess. But it puts the nastiest taste in my mouth to hear someone else preach their own needed parable. Jesus couldnt….or wouldnt save himself…so I guess we shouldnt expect to do it either. But hopefully one day this one wont bother me so much.

            So, no… I don’t think that I hate you, per say, but more so… I hate what I see in you; me. Sounds harsh, but what a beautiful revelation to say out loud. SO if you are loud, if you are quiet, if you are afraid to succeed, if you love wholeheartedly, love to fight, quick to anger, and don’t question those who preach God incorrectly to their face……Yeh….I may not get along with you. It’s not you….it really is me. *Smirk* Not the blog you thought it would be, huh?  I cant stand it when people assume either….lol.


    ~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

    P90X Journey: Day 3

    In P90X Journey on 21 October 2010 at 12:24 am

    Oh…okay… so this is how its suppose to work?

    Each day a different body part is screaming and calling me out of my name. Just disrespectful! I don’t hurt as much as I thought that I would and I am afraid that I may not be doing things correctly. I don’t do what I can’t do but I keep moving. If it hurts, I say, “Phuket” and keep it moving. But will I see results? I am in NO way cheating on this. I do moves until it burns and then I do one or two more reps beyond the “Phuket” moment.

    By the way, Phuket is a country…lol.

    So, this morning I woke up and headed to work and realized that someone had the nerve to bust out my passenger side window. Yes, this butt munch broke into my truck to steal a Blackberry Charger, and mp3 Charger, and the manual booklet case probably because it looks like a cd case. That’s all. The dumbest part was that there was nothing in my truck to steal ( but they thought the chargers were attached to stuff) and my driver’s side window was rolled down. So I had to pay $300 to have a window replaced by Safelite and not a damn thing was stolen!!!!!! But even as I sit here….I am not really upset, just confused by sheer stupidity. But as the cops finger printed my truck, I sat there and made jokes. The cops, my insurance company, and the Safelite rep all mentioned that I was too happy for someone who had just had this happen. I said on my Facebook page that there had to be a lesson in this. The lessons were that it is just material, nothing was stolen and you can replace anything that may have been & I did. The other lesson was that nothing can steal my joy unless I allow it. I believe that working out has upped my happiness. I like working out.

    SO I stayed in the house all day. My diet sucked because I didn’t have anywhere to go…..so I didn’t burn that much energy and all I had to eat was 3 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon, some string cheese & a McDonald’s chicken club sandwich w/ fries and a Sprite. Blame that one on my boo… he mentioned it and I went and got it. I have to remember that he is ripped and constantly plays basketball…. I don’t, this will go through his system like water, but mine’s wont. But the damage is done and there is nothing that I can do but learn from it.

    My boo came over around 4pm. We cuddled on the couch and watched Get Him to the Greek ( RETARDINGLY STUPID YET HILARIOUS MOVIE!!!). I got to be all romantic and he massaged my shoulders and then he left when he found out that I hadn’t worked out yet. DAMN THIS GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM!!! He knew I would have kept vegging out…lol. But I thank him for the support even though he keeps telling me that he likes me just the way that I am. He too understands that this is for me.

    So, 9pm came around and I popped in the Shoulders & Tricep w/ Ab Ripper dvd. Okay…first off the Shoulders and Tricep workout was touch and an hour all by itself…and just when you cool down and think it is all said and done…. they pop up with the Ab Ripper X snippet at the end. DEVIL WORSHIPPERS!!!! I was already to turn off the disc and keep it moving…lol

    My stats for the shoulder dvd which I did with a medium resistance band is (numbers in [#] are for the second round of reps):

    • Shoulder Press: 10 [16]
    • In-out Bicep curls: 16 [17]
    • Tricep Kickbacks: 15 [20]
    • Swimmer’s Press: 15 [10]
    • Supination Curl: 20 sets [20 sets]
    • Chair Dips: 15 [16]
    • Upright row: 15 [20]
    • Static Arm Curls: 16 [16]
    • Twist Kickback: 10 [12]
    • Seated Shoulder Fly: 16 [16]
    • Crouching Cohen Curls: 4 [20 with a vicious ass BURN]
    • Lying Down Tricep extensions: 10 [12 OUCH!]

    Then there was the EXTRA workout session

    • Straight Arm Shoulder Fly: 16[16]
    • Congdon Curl: 20 [20]
    • Side Tri Rise: 8 (left)/ 10 (right) [12 (left)/16 (right) SPEED IS KEY!]

    Yes….this is when I thought that I was done… until the Ab Ripper X segment snuck its way onto the screen. These were the longest 16 minutes of my life. Each exercise was “suppose” to have 25 reps. This workout went like this:

    • In & Outs: 25
    • Bicycles: 20  (BURN!!!)
    • Reverse Bicycles: NONE
    • Crunchy Frog: 15 (BURN!!!)
    • Fifer Scissors: 15
    • Hip Rock & Raises: 13 ( Back of hip & thighs BURNS!)
    • Pulse Ups: 20 ( w/ bent knees)
    • V-up/Roll up ( NONE….lower back & right hip hurt too badly. Replaced w/ leg raised crunches)
    • Oblique V-ups: 13 (rt), 16 (lft)
    • Leg Climb: 9 (lft), 8 (rt)
    • Mason twist: 10 ( not touching the floor completely)

    So, let me tell you something about the V-up segment. I tried, and tried, and tried, and tried. No matter how hard I tried, I could not even muster up enough momentum to sit up. And when I did there was a pinch in my lower back/right hip region. It got to me. I almost had a melt down. I almost cried at how fat I was that I couldn’t even do a Roll Up…eat them? Yes, but do them… no. I layed there for a second fighting back full-blown tears and then sucked it up and put my legs in the air and decided to do crunches. I hate feeling like that. I can’t do all of the exercises, but I try…and the fact that I couldn’t even try this one took a chunk out of my pride. I will do this one even if it kills me.

    So when it was all said and done, I decided to stretch. I NEVER STRETCH! And it felt good to stretch out, but as soon as I sat up and leaned back….. I felt like I was an old woman with a slipped disc. I am sitting on the couch with a pillow behind my back. It kills me how I hurt directly after the workout, but in the morning I feel so wonderful. Okay…. that is all that I have to say about this. I MIGHT work out in 5 hours before work because I want to go to bed early tomorrow night and be rested for Friday. I’m proud of myself that I am on Day 3 with no stop in my near future. I may want to add my gym membership in the mix and run to pick up my cardio. Who knows… I just am happy I am moving every day. We’ll see in 25 days if I have done enough to see results. Okay… enough…and off to bed!


    ~*My Mother’s Daughter*~


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