I Don’t Like You, B/C Its Me

In Random Mannerisms & Thoughts on 21 October 2010 at 12:26 am


        If there ever was a time to say, “it’s not you, its me” this would be the perfect opportunity. I am perfectly aware that there are people who I just cannot stand because they possess some of the very traits that I either once had or still have within my personality. Or in the extreme case, I just don’t like them because I don’t want to obtain that trait so I stay as far away from them as possible. But this is a truth. I can be honest and say that there are things that I don’t like about myself, and once I see them in you… you need to get the hell on.

        For starters, I talk a LOT. I talk more than my share of oxygen should ever allow in one exhale, but I like to receive the most precise information and nothing more. Once you tell me the shortest, to the point, and informative information….shut the hell up. If I ask you were you are, your response should be “In the car, on 495 South, headed to Woodbridge.”  I do NOT want to hear that you “maybe on your way to see your boyfriend, after you swing past your mama’s house for some cheesecake, but your brother pissed you off so you don’t know when you might make it to wherever it is that people who give two shits about this babbling nonsense happen to be.” If you read that previous run-on….shoot yourself! I HATE IT! You lost me after the first 10 seconds. I need the Twitter version. The held at gunpoint edition. Which ever version will get out your answer in 140 or less without me getting so frustrated that I put a bullet in your lingual muscle. Less is ALWAYS more unless you are a man with a “length deficiency”.  In succinct form….HIT THE BREAKS, TRICK! ZIP IT! Answer me or shut up!!!!!!!

        Secondly, I once was and still am a very vulnerable woman when it comes to guys. I have made mistakes that I can’t take back but lessons came along with those impromptu exams. I wear my medals of insecurity proudly as I walk with my head held high, but it seriously irks the living feces out of me to see another female dictate her existence through which man is currently in her life. Maybe a part of me is envious that they live a lifestyle that I don’t, but it should never reach a point to where people closest to you cannot figure out which guy you are talking about because you boast about being with so many. It doesn’t scream playa, it screams played. It screams insecure woman searching for something that she’s either never had or hasn’t had in a while, but above all….she doesn’t have it. A woman who has it or doesnt need the validation is very secretive if nothing else. But I remember the days when I bragged and showboated, took pictures with and was constantly in contact with a guy because it made me feel wanted, it let others think that I was wanted, but it was never meant to show the world that I was a lonely girl looking for something and ended up with nothing more than A.M. Hoe Strolls, After Hour Creep-ins, and random phone calls to wait to hear him tell me how much he cared. Been there, cried that. So these days, after trial and error…I lose respect for people who behave in my old habits. I didn’t say I was right in doing so, I just said that I could admit that I do. And though my jovial moments can prove quite “out there” when it comes to expressing myself, I know my limits, and those limits include refraining from processing the endorphins needed to like a person who behaves aformentionably. Is that a word? Okay, it is now.

        Thirdly, I love hard, sometimes…okay since we’re being honest…all the time to a fault. Therefore, I can tell when someone is trying too hard to win over my affection. I can tell when a man is looking for a mate, any mate, and not particularly me. I also know when a guy is pulling away out of fear, the that this session of affection may be unconditional and could actually work. This causes me to be turned off by guys who reach for my hand after only meeting me for a second time, or the guy who tries to kiss me because he is thinking of his own lust rather than me being comfortable or even liking him enough to make the attempt. I cringe at a guy giving me pet names because he thinks that I would like it, rather than thinking that it is too soon and we are not that close yet. Or a guy who will take all of my dismissals as me playing hard to get because they want ….by default…me. I’ve been there, and I know the outcome of such a desperate expression and thereby am turned off by it just as well. This could connect back with my second reason as well, especially since I am on a continuous journey to believe that one day someone will love me for the wonderful and amazing person that I am and not by default. So maybe, just maybe, this could be my new defense mechanism to help uphold that belief. Who knows! Whatever the reason, I don’t like it in other people.

        Lastly, I hate a hypocrite. I hate people who live in straw houses mounted on the San Andres Fault giving out advice while playing golf in the living room. You know the person, the kind who will be in a very jacked up situation and will tell someone else how not to put up with the very same situation. I’ve been there. I’ve told friends to workout and get healthy while I slumped back in my depression because I couldn’t find support. I’ve told other women how not to put up with abusive situations and allowed myself to be in a form that I considered less harmful than the one I was supposedly curing. Human nature, I guess. But it puts the nastiest taste in my mouth to hear someone else preach their own needed parable. Jesus couldnt….or wouldnt save himself…so I guess we shouldnt expect to do it either. But hopefully one day this one wont bother me so much.

        So, no… I don’t think that I hate you, per say, but more so… I hate what I see in you; me. Sounds harsh, but what a beautiful revelation to say out loud. SO if you are loud, if you are quiet, if you are afraid to succeed, if you love wholeheartedly, love to fight, quick to anger, and don’t question those who preach God incorrectly to their face……Yeh….I may not get along with you. It’s not you….it really is me. *Smirk* Not the blog you thought it would be, huh?  I cant stand it when people assume either….lol.


~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

  1. Hahahaha!!! Nice one….. I don’t make assumptions about your blogs, they are just too crazy for me to even imagine… I like the surprise *wink*. “…if you are loud, if you are quiet…” so no gospel singers, mimes nor mutes. Thanks for my semi-daily chuckle!

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