The House My Father Built

       It occurred like a script unfolding in real life. It was as if I read God’s mind, wrote a blog & then He got jealous at my telepathic skills and decided to put me to the test. “How dare I pick up on God’s plan” is what this lesson was teaching me. How  dare I be so in tune with the powers that be that I set myself up in the cross hairs of this lesson’s aim. But here I stood, or laid rather. September 17th, 2010, just 9 days after I wrote a blog about being molested by my father……I wake up to a Facebook message of a woman telling me that she worked with my father and he was trying to find me.  *glass shatters* Fear riddled my body as if the Nazi party had ratted me out to the KKK for kissing a white man in Mississippi after running away from the plantation without my freedom papers. No amount of words could describe this experience.

        It had been almost 16 years since the last time I had set eyes on, heard from, or even smelled my biological father. It wasnt even anything that I missed. But here is was, invading my Blackberry and oozing into the privacy of my house. I closed the application just because I felt that it was giving too much information about my whereabouts. There I was… wrapped in my covers having not even stepped out of bed for the morning….and I was no longer the 29-year-old woman who I was supposed to be; I was now a 9-year-old crouched in the corner of the bed waiting for my father to turn the bedroom door knob after having smoked a Newport.

        How do you compete with that? How do you explain to yourself that the emotions you are feeling are validated yet you fight so hard not to experience them? Why was I on the brink of crying? Why was I feeling heavy all of a sudden? I was grown, right? I had done well for myself without him, right? He wasnt even on my radar. The last time , before the blog, that I had even thought of my father was when I was in high school searching obituaries just so that I could finally know that he had died. It was as much of a ritual for me as Muslims pray throughout the day. It was my sanctuary of revenge.  Housed inside of my facade of happiness hid the fear that he would one day find me.

        So from my bed, the first thing that came to mind was. I rent, so the house isn’t in my name. The phone is shared with my roommate and it isn’t in my name. Other than my taxes, only a hand-full of people know my exact location. I go by my stage name so that should people in Baltimore ever reference me in his presence, he wouldn’t even know that it was me. I never take the same route home or mode of transportation from and to different locations; I’ve become my own CIA agent. I have a google voice number so that no one can ever track me down and connect me directly. I know 4 escape routes out of my house just in case I need to flee. But why was it that….with all of this hiding, he still managed to find me . In my home. In my bed. Waking me from my sleep. I managed to still be exposed. This time, I couldn’t escape.

The correspondences with the coworker went as follows:

•  
  • Gina September 17 at 6:26am Report
  • 2Deep,
    My name is Gina and I work with your father. He has ask me to send you this message he would very much like to see you and sit down and talk. We are currently in Baltimore, Maryland. Please send me a message on what you would like to do. He knows that you don’t want to see him but he request that you at least give him a chance to explain. Thanks Gina
  • 2Deep September 17 at 6:29am
    Are you serious?!!!! How’d you even find me and where does he work/live? Etc. Let me think about it b/c I really don’t see what there could be to explain.

     
  • Gina  September 17 at 6:53am Report

    2Deep, he works at [employer], our number is 410-[###-###] not that I am pushing the issue just wanted to give you the number just in case after you think about it. Thanks for answering me, he does not have a computer

     
  • 2Deep September 17 at 6:55am

    I don’t mean to be rude, as this is not directed at you, but why is he looking for me now and does he know where I am? Is he dying? Because this sounds like a guilty man dying.

     
  • Gina  September 17 at 7:11am Report

    Believe me I understand and I know it is not directed at me. He was off yesterday and he came in this morning and said that a situation had come up and I guess someone told him to check on Facebook , in conversation I told him I had a Facebook account and that’s how he found you. He said that he has been looking for you, and it is important that he sees you. and no he is not dying. he just said to me it is important to him. I do not know the story nor am I trying to get in your business or his, but I understand your feelings because even though it may not be the same situation one of my family members did not see their child for years, and when they tried she did not want to see them. so I do understand. He just knows that you may be in Maryland, at least that’s what he said.

     
  • 2Deep September 17 at 7:13am

    Well, I will think about it. Thanks. Have a blessed day.

    Sent via Facebook Mobile

     
  • Gina  September 17 at 7:17am Report

    you too!!!

        Wow! What a way to start the day, huh? The sad part about it was… I put on a good front. I stood my ground and appeared sane. If only for a moment I felt proud of myself. I got up and took a shower, ate, and took over an hour to decide what I was going to wear to work, how was my hair suppose to be, and should I wear make-up. BAM! I caught myself. I caught myself making sure I was “perfect”. I hadn’t done this in years. My father, without even being in the same house, had managed to creep into my psyche and revert me back to the child who double checked everything before leaving my room. Part of it was to make sure that I was well covered so he wouldn’t be attracted to anything on me. The other half was so that I could cover up to the world just how worthless and ugly I felt from what was going on behind the walls of my house. It was dress up. And even though I still havent seen Tyler Perry’s interview, but have heard of it….. I dressed up to run away from the moments that weren’t so pretty. Everything could be dressed up. Everything could be made into make-believe and make-believe made real. And 16 years later, I stood in my house playing dress up for the day.  And I sat Indian style on the floor and cried. I made myself look in the mirror as I did this, made myself self say “fuck the time” as I was already late for work, and I cried.

I cried that the emotions I had dressed up had taken it  upon themselves to undress without my permission. They had chosen to come out of the closet and drape over my camouflage and force me to pay attention to the situation at hand. And I wasnt ready. I wasnt ready to go out on stage. I wasnt ready to speak the lines that were literally written on the page, but rather summarize the thesis. But curtain call was calling me to come and hold this situation’s hand and take a bow….the run on Broadway could end, but for some reason… I was a member of Cats and I identified myself with this long drawn out version of my existence. Who would I be if I didn’t have this as a crutch to fall back on when needed? Who would I be if I didn’t have this hatred in the back of my heart? Who am I?

So I got up, wiped the make-up from my face, pulled my hair back in a simple pony tail, and I went to work comfortably for the day. I was ready to be a big girl. Despite the walls that my father had helped me to build around my fears, around my self-worth, around my heart, I too knew how to handle a tool or two. And this act of defiance, this unwillingness to dress up on this day, shook the very foundation of my father’s house of cards that once seemed like Alcatraz wrapped around me. And a few days passed……

• 2Deep September 20 at 2:23pm

  Hello,

  I still havent decided on myself, but you could at least tell him that I passed his information on to my sister. She has been looking for him.

  I guess what is stalling my final decision would be.. what “situation” occurred that made him wish to look for me. If that cannot be answered on your part, I completely understand.

  I humbly appreciate your patience and understanding as well as your participation. God bless!
  ~2Deep

• Gina September 20 at 4:01pm Report
  2Deep I am at home now so first thing in the morning I will tell him about your message. We also looked for your sister on here as well and we did find a [My Sister’s Name] on here and I sent a friend request to the young lady but have not heard from her maybe she is not the right person or because she doesn’t know me she did not accept my request. I am sure he will want me to send a message to you in the morning but I don’t want to wake you in the morning so let me know what is a good time because I think that I may have woke you up the last time we spoke thru messaging. Thanks Gina
• 2Deep September 20 at 4:14pm
  I wake up around 6:30am every morning so I was just waking up last time. Yes, that is her and I have no clue if she still has an account here on FB, she an I are currently not speaking. Like Father, like child. Have a blessed evening.
• Gina  September 20 at 5:02pm Report
  YOU TOO!!
• Gina  September 21 at 9:15am Report
  2Deep,
  This is what he said to me. YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER AND I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO SEE YOU. When you decide to see me I will explain everything. that’s what he said to me. Gina
• 2Deep September 21 at 9:21am
  LMAO!!!!! Boy, I always wondered where I got my twisted humor from. Now, I see that I got it honest. Thanks for the message. I pray that you have a wonderful day. Mine is going beautifully. God bless!~2Deep

  Sent via Facebook Mobile
• Gina September 21 at 9:27am Report
  I am sorry if I sounded abrupt but that’s exactly how he said it to me.
  Gina
• 2Deep   September 21 at 9:36am
  Oh no, it’s NOT YOU. I heard his voice in my head when you said it. I believe that is exactly how he said it & that’s what makes it funny. Don’t mind me. Long story. Thanks again.

  Sent via Facebook Mobile
• Gina September 21 at 9:45am Report
  ok, no problem have a good one.
• 2Deep September 21 at 9:31p

        My sister, the one who would have a better shot at robbing Jesus of a Rolex & speaking to my father, said that she called the number you provided today around 4pm your time & no one answered. When is there a better time to call?I don’t know you, but I pray that this isn’t a prank,   for my sister’s sake. B/c this would kill her if she couldn’t actually get in contact w/ him. Thanks.

• Gina    September 22 at 6:40am Report
• 2Deep, this is not a joke!! I know your first name is [My Name] (spelling may be wrong) or at least that is what your father told me. He works 7 to 3:30 we close at 4:00 and believe me the girls in the office leave at 5 of. our answering machine does not come on until 5:00 pm
  she can call during th day at anytime. she did friend me and I am sure he will send a message. Thanks Gina
• 2Deep   September 22 at 6:43am
• Thanks so very much. I care more about her talking to her name sake than myself. My apologies if I sounded rude, I just have to play big sis and make sure that she isn’t being messed with. Have a blessed day.
• Sent via Facebook Mobile
• Gina September 22 at 6:48am Report
• I do not think you are being rude. Again I don’t know the whole story and of course what little I am hearing is one side. after working with your Dad for 4yrs I kind of know how he is, and after talking to you for just a few short days I can tell that you have grown into a fine young lady with or with out him. I can understand why you want to protect your family. Have a great day!!!
• 2Deep September 22 at 6:55am
• Wow! 4 years?! More power to you! I guess my curiosity only wants to know what he looks like. I don’t think that I am either emotionally or mentally prepared to hear much else at this time. Still praying on it. If I were to ever contact him I would have to feel safe & have all of my tracks covered. I am a secluded person, very secretive & private, & wish for not even friends to be able to find me or know where I live, all thanks to him. Been this way since my teens. So I will continue to pray about it & hope that he doesn’t feed my sister lies or false hopes. Thanks again for everything. God bless.
• Sent via Facebook Mobile
• Gina September 22 at 6:58am Report
• I hope he doesn’t feed either one of you lies and false hope. I will bring a camera in and take a picture and post it on my account for you. (if I can remember, I am old lol…) What ever your decision is I am just the messenger and I wish you well. I am sure we will talk again
• 2Deep    September 22 at 6:59am
• Thanks. God bless!

        Then one day, as if I wasnt moving on his time. I get a message that shook my defiance awake. It was as if this was a true test to my face! Bold, deliberate and outright disrespectful to my very being…to my existence. I woke up to a heading that read:  [2Deep], THIS IS A LETTER YOUR FATHER WROTE TO SEND YOU. HE ASK ME TO SEND IT THROUGH FACEBOOK,  and it read:

•  
  • Gina September 24 at 1:37pm Report
    [misspelled my name],
    It saddens me that you have to think about seeing your father. That tells me that the amount of poison that you have been fed has become lethal and my suffering will continue. On the other hand I am so very proud of you and your accomplishments!!!!! you appear to be a very beautiful young lady with a promising future. I will always love you and I look forward to the day that you can look pass my failures as a parent and try to start a new relationship with me..your father.

    (2Deep, I was hesitant to send this to you because I feel that it is not my place, but he asked because he has no way to contact you and he kept asking me. ) Gina

  • 2Deep  September 24 at 1:49pm
    Thank you so very much. If there is an address (US Postal) for him where I can reply, I’ll address/reply to him personally. Since he is playing victim & suffering from a bout w/ amnesia, I’ll remain on the borders of the real issues as well. Again, you are heaven-sent & your efforts are genuinely appreciated. God bless.~2Deep

    Sent via Facebook Mobile
  • 2Deep  September 24 at 2:09pm
    P.S. Please tell him to learn how to properly spell my name, if that wasn’t a typo.

        There it was. He didn’t take responsibility for anything. it was this mysterious “poison” that I was supposed to have been fed. I felt hurt all over again, but this time I decided to fight back. I fought the urge to cry, I wavered on what I should do… so I did what came naturally… I called my dad (godfather).

I mentioned it to my dad and my mother over heard the conversation. She said to me, “Forgive him, and then move on. Dont confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.”  And that was that. Again, my mother said the simplest thing and it made perfect sense. I didn’t have to sit in turmoil over what to do. I just had to respectfully forgive. I would never be as outright as Tyler and pay for his bills, etc. But I could at least respect his position of who he should have been and close this for myself. I still havent done it yet… but I plan to. I don’t know if I want to write a letter, or to call, or to see him in person just to close this out for myself. But one day soon… I will be free. 

I wonder what it will be like to live in a new house. A house where I won the keys, where my name is on all owner’s documents. Because living in this house that my father built has brought forth some bitter-sweet memories. I am thankful that I survived, but bitter that I had to endure the construction of these walls all in the same breath. Each day I build a foundation of courage to speak my mind , the wisdom to know what to say and if I should ask questions, the strength to walk away , the understanding to not feel guilty, and forgiveness to truly mean it for good. Forgiveness: Extreme Makeovers: Home Edition.

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

Advice from the Other Woman

WARNING: SUPER LONG BLOG, BUT HONEST & INSIGHTFUL!!!!

       Ignorance is bliss. It is also the gateway for you to get Punk’d. For Ashton, prior to allegations of his cheating on Demi, and his entire camera crew to walk right into your relationship and rob you of any stability that you once thought you had. Except for this time, Ashton is dressed in 4 inch heels, rocking a Prada dress so short she could catch pneumonia in her good-goods, while sexting the person you said “I love you” to 5 minutes ago or “I do” to 24 hours ago…and her name is Ashley, or Kendra, or Stephony, Latrell, Keisha, Tanisha, Tabitha, a low-life hoe named Angel, Bootasia…..etc. You catch my drift. For this blog, the aforementioned home wreckers shall be called OWs (Other Women). All OWs are assumed innocent until proven hoochies.

        The odds of your man cheating on you are about as high of a possibility as him enjoying  himself as he “exfoiliates” his genital region in the shower each morning.  With such a high possibility, the probability of this happening lowers by the set of morals that your man has, how many fugly women are in your community, and how ugly your man is to the beautiful women in the community. The stakes are raised,however, by the number of desperate women there are, your man’s income (despite how unattractive he is), and any rumors that may be in circulation about his sexual accomplishments. Since the latter scenario is higher than the prior…toss in a bitter black woman &, honey….. your man might cheat.

        But what is cheating to you? To the insecure broad, cheating could be him turning his head in the direction of a beautiful woman as she sashays by her man in the mall. To the “I don’t need a man, but be happy that I chose you” woman, cheating may be him assisting a woman with her grocery bags to the car…I mean after all, his hands were free since his woman chose to do it all herself. To the average woman, cheating could be him sharing himself emotionally with another female, showing a side of himself that he has never shown to her. But to every woman….cheating also means any form of sexual contact or interaction with a woman other than the one who claims you ( on or off the record). Wow…. each scenario is like Melanie’s & Derwin’s entire relationship on The Game.

Note to the fellas: If we slept together…. we go together!

My advice to all of the above are as follows:

1. Dear Insecure Broad, what the hell is wrong with you? She is beautiful, yes. But the turning of your man’s head does NOT, I repeat to the self-esteem challenged, does NOT equate to infidelity. It lets you know that all of your man’s man parts are working. And if you thought she was cute, and he thought she was cute too, then damn… y’all agree on something. Which means, if you think that you are cute + she was cute + he thought she was cute then that may = him thinking that you are cute too. Instead of jumping on the dude and starting to count his condoms ( please tell me you use condoms!!!) take this as an opportunity to eavesdrop on what it is that catches your man’s attention. But do NOT take this as an opportunity to alter your physical or personal style to match, just take inventory, and store it for that special moment; almost like a treat. Of course, there is an exception, if your guy turns his head and forgets to turn it back in your direction… then you have reason to think that he is disrespectful, but until then… chill like Jada does when Will checks out beautiful women. She’s not trippin…because he isn’t going ANYWHERE!

   Dear Next Millenium Bionic Woman, why are you even with a man if there is nothing that he can do for you? There is a thin line in being independent and competent and being borderline butch. Unless your name is Craig and his is Earl, there is only ONE penis in this relationship…allow his to hang, have some breathing room to sway, and do what it is that he was designed to do.  Yes, men should love strong women…I get that, but if you are too strong they may be tempted to check for an Adam’s apple or flee. Just chill….you and I both know that women can do any and everything that we want to do, the catch is to not let HIM know that, or remind him all the damn time. This will definitely turn a seemingly innocent act of chivalry ( assisting with groceries) into a weekly rendezvous in the produce aisle. Your man assisting another woman should get you hot… not hot-headed but…turned on, just because you know that every woman wants a man like yours. Dont be so strong that you assist in giving him a hand in jumping over the fence to greener pastures, nor get so laid-back that you turn in to chick from #1. Think…. Charlize Theron in Hancock!

   Dear Average Woman, Men are not emotional creatures…….to us. They cry in the dark and throw their feelings into the very same closets that R Kelly hides his midget porn. Get over it. They still have feelings, and just be thankful that he has found a healthy person to share his emotions with. Trust me, I know that it hurts like hell because you want to be there to share everything with him… but as long as she only gives him a shoulder to lean on to express himself, then baby..yeh I’ll say it again….get over it. It doesn’t mean that he is cheating, it just means that you have YET to learn this side of him. There are things you tell your girlfriends that you don’t tell him…. TRUST ME. I know for a fact that you didn’t tell your man your thoughts about the size of the strippers’ worthy of mentioning unmentionables from Asia’s bachelorette party. So, as long as he is still communicating with you, just let that be his safe haven until he is on his death-bed and reveals that he absolutely hates your cooking but loves you for the attempt. You mustn’t also forget the billions of times he tried to tell you the truth, you didn’t listen and swore he was lying anyway…. that, too, may be the reason he doesn’t tell you -ish.Just saying…. don’t shoot the OW, learn how to listen.

   Girl…. WHat?! That N!&&@ did what?!!!! Cheated with an OW?!*sharpens Cutco, puts on Vaseline, *Hair in pony tail. Puts on CSI crime scene, able to catch my DNA, approved vest and grabs Lorraina Bobbet Emergency Kit. Next.

       I know for a fact that there are several more scenarios, but I havent gotten to that portion of my therapy sessions yet, so these will have to do.  And I know you are wondering how do I know these things… well… I was once …well… the enemy. Yes, I was once an OW. Much to my defense, not that I need any because I know how to fight… & WELL…. ask about me. Dang, where was I? Oh, yeh…. much to my defense, I didn’t even know that I was the OW ( The Fantasia Defense).  So I learned several tricks of the trade from being on the other side of the fence. If nothing more I learned:

UNLESS THE OW IS A FAMILY MEMBER< BEST FRIEND<THIRD COUSIN TWICE REMOVED BY MARRIAGE ON YOUR PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER’S SIDE……. DONT YOU EVER TAKE YOUR DRAMA TO THE DOORSTEP OF THE OW!!!!!!

       Unless she comes to your doorstep bringing the pain…. you keep within restraining order distance away from her. There are several reasons:

1. You are NOT sleeping with the OW. She didn’t break your heart, break any vows, or directly give you an STD. She may not have even known you existed.

2. Fussing with the OW gets your man off the hook. He learns NOTHING. Actually, he is banking on telling you that she has lost her mind and is just a groupie, and that he told her several times to stop calling him. STOP… wait a minute… how did she even get his number? And “I DONT KNOW” does not suffice as an answer. (Exception to the rule: There are some crazy females out there.. trust in your man , your relationship, and your inner female intuition to see if this number actually applies to you.  If by chance she is crazy, collect $200 for bail money, go past GO & I give you permission to whoop that trick!)

3. Fighting with her makes you come up out the pocket and let both her and him know that you are now hurt. This is war woman, you don’t let the enemy know you are coming. SHUT UP AND PLAY THE WAY BIG MAMA TAUGHT YOU HOW TO PLAY; tight thighs , and even tighter lips with clenched fists.

4. You need to be a big girl and face what is really going on. Beating up some random chick Jerry Springer style will only make you feel better momentarily.

       All of this to say…. you have to think like us. And as a smart OW…I held on to evidence from 2004! Real talk, I have Yahoo! Messenger conversations still on floppy disk….lmbo!!!! There’s nothing like a swift Facebook note containing evidence of something he once said in a playerlistic manner to ruin his whole damn day! lol. Sorry, that got funny as I had a flash back. Keep us close, meaning us OWs. It’s when you can’t see us that we are able to do the most damage. I can say this now as a looooooooong ago reformed OW. It is never my intent to be an OW, but should the situation arise… you respect me and I shall respect you. Hell… I’ll even help you torch the cheating son of biscuit eating bulldog. But it is when you disrespect me ( assuming that I’ve been respectful) that your cards will come crashing down faster than you can get the panties off of Montana Fishburne, My cousin, and Paris Hilton in a panty dropping contest. Believe me, my cousin is FAST, my money is on her!  Again, you ladies would NOT believe the things that your guy tells us, in efforts to make us think that he is single, the marriage isn’t working, you’ve changed, and the list goes on. For example (actual messages below from a guy not too long after he got married. The identity of the stupid has been changed to protect the innocent):

• 4:16:29 PM Stupid Dude###336: i had just looked at your profile before i went to sleep (why is this guy who is married stalking my profile before he went to sleep?)
• 4:24:13 PM Stupid Dude###336: i know I am married and I have a good woman by my side…
  4:24:55 PM Stupid Dude###336: but I had a great woman when I was with you and I miss my great woman
• 4:27:25 PM Stupid Dude###336: i’m happy with what I have here but I always will wonder what if (then if you are happy…. why are you always trying to get me into romantic conversations? I’m not falling for it playa! My game is stronger than yours, besides… I’ve moved on & let you go a long time ago)
• 4:29:06 PM Stupid Dude###336: i understand that you let go
  4:29:16 PM Stupid Dude###336: but dammit it’s not easy to let go
  4:29:27 PM Stupid Dude###336: i try and try but i can’t (well try a little harder buddy…b/c it ant happening here!)

       Yadda yadda yadda. We discuss how he has a history of not really being faithful. How he treats women, and I congratulate him on finally settling down & getting married. The conversation then goes:

• 4:30:17 PM Me: but I applaud [her] for being that woman who finally got you to do it
  4:30:35 PM Stupid Dude###336: she didn’t get me to do it
  4:30:51 PM Me: no, meaning that she loved you to a point where you felt the need to do it
  4:31:13 PM Stupid Dude###336: lol…you don’t understand
• 4:31:33 PM Stupid Dude###336: i felt that I would never get you back… and I…..SETTLED

       Yes, you read correctly. The negro said he settled with his wife. But nothing beats my favorite! My friend told me that a guy once told her that the only reason he married his wife was because he “ran out of rope”! lmao!He was an older gentleman and didn’t want to waste two more years getting into another relationship and he didn’t want to be an old father, so he married his current girlfriend even though he didn’t love her. But I digress. I continue to go on to say how foul he is, this isn’t right, she doesn’t deserve this, the nerve of this nigga [pardon my Ebonics]!!!!! etc.  I mean, did he really think that saying this about his NEW wife was going to make me drop all common sense and take him back? I mean really, if you would say this about your wife….what they hell do you say behind my back about me? But as I said, you would be amazed at what they tell us….continue….

• 4:36:05 PM Stupid Dude###336: So in saying that ,I am glad I settled because it took for me to settle to realize what a good woman I have…
• 4:37:19 PM Stupid Dude###336: I don’t treat her like i used to, i try to do everything [in] my power to show her on a daily basis that I love her, but in the back of my mind I always wonder what if

       So you see, from what I posted, and from what I REFUSE to post…. we hear it all. And this is the PG stuff that I can post. I never wanted him back after seeing how he still treated women, but that didn’t keep him from trying to turn me into an OW. Even if I didn’t know that the other girl existed… I highly doubt that I would have dated this person again. Just something about him rings “lie”. OWs become the other person because the guy feels that he is missing out on something. He gets greedy, or gets scared of commitment and he freaks out and goes in search of an OW. He said everything above, I don’t have the power in me as an OW to make him say this…..much like you don’t have the power to keep him around if he doesn’t want to stay. You have to look out for you…because that is EXACTLY what an OW and your man are doing. Why should you be the only one not being taken care of? But I digress…back to the advice.

        Outside of the obvious, don’t tell your woes to an OW. A reformed OW will tell you to think it out on your own, dig inside your heart and think about what is best for you and your future…. a triffling OW will prompt you to unlock the door so she can help you pack your ish as she cases out how her earring collection will look beautiful on the bedroom dresser. To be honest, I wouldn’t even tell my friends how bad my relationship had gotten unless my husband was OJ, Manson, or George W Bush. There are some things, ladies, that you need to learn to keep to yourself. Because you never know who you could be helping to creep all up and through your situation. An OW doesnt need any additional help, because he’s quick to tell us what it is that you don’t do:

• 5:08:20 PM Stupid Dude###336: i actually sat there last nite and tried to find [what i liked in you ,in her] but y’all are 2 totally different people
  5:08:42 PM Me: you can go play basketball with her, watch sports, go to the club, crack jokes, make nicknames…I don’t do anything special
  5:09:28 PM Stupid Dude###336: she doesn’t play basketball, she doesn’t club, and she doesn’t watch sports for real
  5:10:38 PM Me: I don’t play basketball..I don’t club, and I dont watch sports for real.. you see how much in common we have
  5:11:04 PM Stupid Dude###336: we did all of that…lol
  5:11:30 PM Me: hahahaha… I dont have any basketball skills…lol. that was pretend
  5:11:35 PM Me: I am sure she can do better than me
  5:12:02 PM Stupid Dude###336: that’s not the point…you got out there and you played ball with me

And even faster at telling us how much he dreams about us:

• 5:25:19 PM Stupid Dude###336: we started kissing and you were unbuttoning my shirt and a nigga woke up
  5:25:38 PM Me: lol
  5:25:48 PM Stupid Dude###336: I remember all that cause [wife’s name] said I was moaning in my sleep
  5:25:57 PM Me: wow!!!!!
  5:26:12 PM Me: now watch me get blamed for that mess

       And even when the OW stays in her place, reminds him of what they really are and that nothing more can happen… the man will try reverse psychology:

• 6:27:24 PM Me: any time , friend
  6:27:37 PM Stupid Dude###336: i don’t even want that title
  6:27:46 PM Me: why, friend?
  6:27:55 PM Stupid Dude###336: i come at you like you are doing wrong but you aren’t
  6:28:19 PM Stupid Dude###336: i try to make it seem like all i want is a friend when i know that all I want is you
  6:28:24 PM Stupid Dude###336: by my side
  6:28:31 PM Stupid Dude###336: i’m sorry
  6:28:34 PM Me: friend, I can stand beside you
  6:28:43 PM Stupid Dude###336: stop calling me that
  6:28:49 PM Me: and apology accepted for your confusing yourself
  6:29:12 PM Me: and I will think about [if I will] stop calling you my friend
  6:29:32 PM Me: but i have to say it so I can stay in my place, to stay where I need to be
  6:29:55 PM Stupid Dude###336: well maybe that’s not where you need to be
  6:29:56 PM Me: to remain safe in these dangerous conversations that we keep having, which is so not fair to anyone involved
  6:30:07 PM Stupid Dude###336: true

       And when he saw that  I wasnt budging…. he went back in for the kill. The ” I will tell you how horrible my situation is, even if it really isnt, just so that you can change your mind and do what I want you to do” move. Yes… I call this the “Extra Desperate To Think I’m This Dumb” Tactic:

• 6:45:59 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you have accomplishments…i have a marriage license that don’t mean shit
  6:46:08 PM    Me: why doesnt it mean shit
  6:46:14 PM    Me: it is a marriage license.
  6:46:37 PM    Stupid Dude###336: because the marriage isn’t shit…we don’t do shit for real
  6:46:46 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you have accomplishments i don’t
  6:47:04 PM    Me: I have accomplishments because I refuse to SETTLE!!!!!
  6:47:08 PM    Stupid Dude###336: I won’t be able to have a family
  6:47:17 PM    Stupid Dude###336: just a wife
  6:48:03 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you will have your accomplishments, your husband, and a family…
  6:48:13 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you say you won’t but i believe you will

       Zinger……3 hours later….he just nailed his own coffin….all in hopes of having an OW by his side. He could be lying through his teeth, and very well may have been…..but either way, his words have consequences. I consider this desperate. I know he doesn’t respect his wife…..and he damn sure doesn’t respect me. But this is nothing unusual in the life of an OW. They will stop at NOTHING to try to get us. Some fall for this, the rest of us…. we don’t. But the smart ones keep the evidence for sour, bitter days like today. When you get tired of holding on to someone else’s dirty laundry and you finally decide for them to wash their own emotional shit!

       And I am not innocent in all of this. I said some things here or there that I probably shouldn’t have. But before every conversation was concluded, like this excerpt from another conversation, I let him know how cool I really was with his wife and why nothing could ever go down. Yes,I’m cool with the wife…..dont ask, long story, out of the ordinary, but the girl is mad cool. So I once said to him, (and this is speaking from truth)

• 5:11:21 PM      Me: You would flinch if you knew the number of times that I have plotted to get you away from [wife] and then had to pray for forgiveness because it was only out of jealousy to the fact that she had something that I didnt
  5:11:34 PM    Me: dude… you better be Glad the Lord is always talking to me
  5:11:35 PM    Me: lol
  5:12:05 PM    Stupid Dude###336: You would flinch if you knew the number of times that I have wanted you to get you away from [wife]
  5:12:30 PM    Me: you wanted me to get away from [wife], or you to get away from [wife]?
  5:12:52 PM    Stupid Dude###336: i wanted you
  5:13:26 PM    Me: nah, I wouldn’t flinch… you said it.. the truth of the matter is I didnt believe it because you werent bold nor stupid enough to take measures to follow through with it
  5:13:39 PM    Me: and the funny thing is.. I am too cool with [wife] to even let you do it.
  5:13:47 PM    Stupid Dude###336: i hear ya….
  5:14:34 PM    Me: I dont think that she talks about me behind my back, but I wouldnt be surprised because she has every reason to do so… I’m your ex….but I still will never do anything from my side to give her [reason] to
• 5:53:17 PM    Stupid Dude###336: i mean when you say that you wish you never married me then how do you expect that i would feel?
  5:53:36 PM    Me: ouch
  5:53:42 PM    Me: that is between you… and her
  5:54:18 PM    Me: I want to steer as far away from that conversation as humanly possible.. for soooooo many reasons
  5:55:26 PM    Me: bathroom break..brb
  5:56:12 PM    Stupid Dude###336: if u get mad at me for talking fly to other females but then you talking waaay more fly to other guys and even after we got married then what….
  5:58:47 PM    Me: again
  5:58:56 PM    Me: I am staying faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from that conversation
  5:59:03 PM    Stupid Dude###336: lol…my bad
  5:59:29 PM    Me: I am not touching that one with a ten foot pole…… just not gonna do it

       As you can see, my advice comes from a collage of personal experiences from different relationships and from watching other friends become OWs knowingly or unknowingly. Either way, I sympathize with any woman in a relationship. There is a lure about an OW that keeps the man interested, that keeps his inner hunter wondering if he can capture a woman, and the thrill of the chase and not getting caught. Oddly enough, it doesn’t mean that he loves you any less, it just means that he doesn’t love himself enough to know that working with one great woman is better than having two who hate you. I didn’t invent the game, but several years ago I learned how to play it, and got out before I got burned. I was the main woman trying to keep all of the OWs away and failed miserably, and then he turned around and tried to make me the OW. I wouldn’t let it happen, kept him in the friend zone. But other guys have made me the OW by omitting that they are already in relationships and then me finding out from Myspace, Facebook, or email, or the good old fashion female calling my house cussing me out. So I thought that I would share this with women who are in relationships…..you have to think like your enemy…..that is the only way you will ever win. Pride aside, the best woman doesn’t always win. Sometimes, losing, as in losing your relationship… could be the best thing to ever happen to you, and you will have an OW to thank.

       My intention is not to shock, hurt, damage or destroy any relationship. This is my blog and I write what I want to write as a part of my therapy… and this just happened to be the topic of the day. So don’t blame me if any of these issues show up in your current situation… I AM NOT THE OW. My suggestion is that,since it is my right to write about my life,  if you don’t want to show up in a blog…I suggest you don’t do me dirty…lol. You may not like what I have written, why I chose to write this, or the fact that I even wrote it… but you have to respect the fact that I told the truth. Come hell or high water, I wish someone would have explained OWs to me before my life got snatched from under me. This is like the Confessions of the OW….lol. Men, I swear… can’t live with them, and get 20 years to life without parole if you try to live without them. lmbo!

This has been Advice from the Other Woman…..comments are welcome.

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

He’s the Exception to All of My Rules

 

        Algebra Blessett singing so soulful in my headphones, professing that she “thinks” she loves someone….it makes me think of him. Yes, him… the very him that has had my heart since the day that I met him; Mr. GI3. Him… the him who was a Tuskegee University engineering student who had this masculine presence with a quiet force about him, the same man who has managed to tame the shrew and heal the wounded bird in me. And I think saying it out loud will solidify it for me…. maybe then I can move on.

*Selects REPEAT* *Song Starts over*

(Lyrics to I Think I Love You)  Click Here to Play> I Think I Love You by: Algebra Blessett

We’ve been friends for quite some time
And now I see you differently
There’s a cloudy picture that’s becoming clearer to me
I hesitate to tell you how I feel cuz I Don’t want you to be afraid
And I dont want to make a mistake being too shy to say

I think I love you and I dont ever wanna let you go
I think I need you in ways that I am unable to show
I think I love you and I want everybody that we know to know
Just how you make me feel….. just how you make me feel

You make it so frustrating cuz you’re so spoiled like me
Then it drives me insane when we agree to disagree
When my words don’t come together to make much sense
You recite the perfect sentence to put my mind at ease, you see

I think I love you and I dont ever wanna let you go
I think I need you in ways that I am unable to show
I think I love you and I want everybody that we know to know
Just how you make me feel ……just how you make me feel

Time and time again I’m trying to convince
To myself that what I’m feeling it does make sense to me
Sometimes it’s difficult for me….(difficulty)
Like when days are here to stay and you bringing me my smile
But tomorrow comes around and some how you let me down
Its confusing…. (its confusing) baby you’re driving me crazy

I think I love you and I don’t ever wanna let you go
I think I need you in ways that I am unable to show
I think I love you and I want everybody that we know to know
How you make me feel…… just how you make me feel

I think…I think I love you
I think …i think I need you
This is how you make me feel

~*Algebra Blessett

        There is no “thinking” of whether or not I love him; I do. I do love. I do love ……him. He is in so many ways everything that I “think” I want in a man. He makes me laugh, he listens when I cry, he calls me on my BS and he is the only man who can put me in check without getting cussed out. lol. That is so sexy…lol. He is witty, he is highly intelligent, he is giving, he is caring, he is genuine, he can calm me down with just a few words and can make me see things clearly with just a few more words. And yes, the body captivates both my eyes & other anatomical parts (BACK UP LADIES>>> I WILL CUT FOR THIS ONE!!!!) and his voice makes Barry White sound like a soprano…..but nothing grabs my attention more than the tiny glimpses of himself that he allows me to be a part of. I cherish those moments.

        He is a very private individual…and strangely, I know very little about him. Well, I know not too much more about him now than I did 6 years ago. That could be a plus or a minus, but I take it at face value…..it adds to the mystery of him and though I try to tell myself, “Girl, he just isn’t that into you” , I can’t break myself from how he directly or indirectly makes me feel.

        No matter how upset with him I get ( like not talking to him for 2 years) I still feel connected to him, still feel wrapped up in my thoughts of him….and I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t even think that there is anything that I could do about it.  Like how he says things when he thinks I am not listening, or says them swiftly and moves on to the next topic….. I just want to say “Negro, I heard you. ” But I don’t say a word. I think he knows that I heard him and that was the only way that he could tell me. (Yes, I know I sound psycho or as if I am making excuses… but try living it.. its even more confusing.) And though I know that his bad out numbers the good at times, the good outweighs and overpowers the bad….I have NO clue how that works, but it does. Or at least it makes sense to me. He’s not perfect by any stretch of imagination, but from what I know and a perception of what I dont….he is amazingly great. Even the memories of him are great.

        Like, how I went to Minnesota one summer and the devil rose up and caused some situations to cause me to almost be homeless over 1,000 miles away from Alabama…..he managed to be there for me. Well, I opened up an email once I was safe and there he was telling me to give him a call immediately. So I did. He was concerned. He was more concerned than my family had been….at least he was looking for me. And much to my surprise, he was in Minnesota too!!! We met up at his apartment and that was when I introduced him to the Tyler Perry stage plays as we sat back, laughed and watched the movies…and I just felt like he cared. Or what about the time I got mad at him and stopped talking to him for MONTHS and he still managed to show up for my graduation from undergrad saying, “he wouldn’t miss it for the world.” That made me feel like such a princess…..and he was my prince. And Lord knows that I simply miss the kisses on the forehead that he use to give me when I would visit him on his campus. Great times…..*sigh*

        I know most of you are not used to me being this mushy… because I don’t do mushy…but I don’t do love poems because I can’t have him.

        I had hoped that maybe one day over the past few years something would have made both sides emotionally mutual…but I don’t think that is the case. I asked him a question and received a very honest answer. It wasnt bad by any stretch of the imagination…it was genuine and I loved that about him. But at the same time it was a bitter-sweet feeling. I would have to only be his friend from here unto eternity in order to spare my heart.

        It hurts genuinely loving someone and not hearing it back. To feel as if you are possibly fantasizing something that may not even exist. It hurts to think that the other person may not trust you with their heart enough…when the only thing you want to do is to guard and protect it. It hurts to know that no amount of professing your love will ever change this person’s mind….that the stubbornness that you find so attractive is the very stubbornness that would provoke you to move on.

        My aunt once told me that the worse thing a woman could do is to sit around waiting for a man to make up his mind about her. I’m soooo guilty of this, to a certain extent. But dang it…. he is the exception to all of my rules. I don’t know why, but he just is. He’s the ONLY guy who I truly accept both his good and his bad, the times he ticks me off to no end, and anything that comes with him. But I understand that I have to go live my life… I love him just that much that I can let him go. Weird, right?

        I want him to be able to go about his own pace, to find whomever he feels would make him happy. That doesn’t hurt to even say that….it would taint how I really feel if I were to ever be jealous. But then again… I’m speaking as if I ever had him….lol. But you catch my drift. This guy is genuinely special and just as special to me. So, yeh… there is no thinking…. I really Love him. And I thank him for allowing me to be comfortable enough to express that love to him. I will take those lessons as I move forward in life and I wont let fear hold me back from loving someone else any more.

Thanks, G. I love you…. *exhales*

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~