~*2Deep*~

Posts Tagged ‘pain’

P90X Journey: Days 12, 13, and 14

In P90X Journey on 1 November 2010 at 1:24 am

First and foremost… FUCK WORDPRESS.COM!!!

I wrote a full blog and before I could hit save draft…which I thought that it automatically did anyway…it erased what I wrote and then posted and error message about putting in trash. I don’t even know where the trash button is. So, you don’t get the deep and emotional version.. you will get the “Fuck this Bullshit,. I’m not purging again,bitches” version.

Day 12: 29 Oct 10

Asshole pissed me off the night before, so I needed a ME day…yes, a Me day. I refused to workout so I sat on the couch and I rebraided my hair and decided to moisturize instead of being out in that mess called Howard Homecoming…the locals are a trip. I decided to think deeply into what went wrong with this relationship. I also decided that I was no longer going to be embarrassed by having had a failed relationship. Yes, people…I was happy, he flaked and couldn’t be a man and holdup his end of the bargain even though I was open in my communication and offered him several times. I am okay with that. I am not ashamed nor will I ever be again. I am human, and shit like him happens. But it took the ME day to realize this. So nothing got done.

 

Day 13: 30 Oct 10

 

I woke up to asshole asking for one last change to make it up to me. He offered Dinner and a movie and I said, sure. Who am I to deny one last try. But as soon as I realized that he wasnt specific with his plans I knew that this was just another attempt at him trying to play me because he already received the message from me that I couldn’t do this with him any more. I decided that i had taken enough time to sulk and think about my part in this situation. I am only allowed 1 day to sulk, 2 if it hurts, and then I have to keep it moving.  I couldn’t let someone who was out partying with his brother and cousins amongst the hoochies in town for HU’s homecoming who happened to not give a shit about me as a human, and damn sure not as a person who he was dating to detour me from my goals.Ihad to reign in my emotions…I had to bring it back in.

I got up and I decided that I was going to make up the missed exercises. I finished the remaining hour that was supposed to have been finished on Day 11. Yes, I sucked it up and I completed it. And then I kept the party going. Jesus & Water/wine style, by doing Leg & Back disc. I didn’t do the Ab Ripper….just didn’t have the energy. I had only eaten 3 eggs for breakfast, and 2 boca burgers on whole grain bread with mustard. I did all of the reps for the Legs & Back routine…and I would post them, but I am too pissed that my last blog write-up was deleted (hits save draft). But I felt so much better when I finished. I could have a moment… I could recollect myself and come back to my goal. I didn’t stay gone for that long. I could have bullshitted an entire blog about what I did do when I didn’t. I could have used my not feeling well ( think it’s a mix of asshole and a cold) as a reason of why I skipped a few days, and the list goes on. But I didnt….I finished. Even if I wasnt blogging, I DID IT FOR ME!!! Finally!!! I am not trying to get fit for anyone else but myself. I am not trying to impress anyone, I am not trying to compare myself to any one…okay I am soooo lying. I don’t want to be the big bitch on the beach next to my friend who is going on my B-day cruise with me…but under it all, I want to do this for me and feel good about myself. And I am proud of that.

I am also proud of how my friend and I walked in boots w/ heels, up hills on HU campus and back down Georgia Avenue, all the way down U Street and ended up at Busboys and Poets for a late dinner. I ate a burger w/ avocado, lettuce, tomato & mozzarella with sweet potato fries. Yes, I had two alcoholic drinks, but I also had only drank water the ENTIRE day. I don’t even have any flavored drinks in my house besides vanilla soy milk and I am even out of that. SO I think that I earned these indulging calories. I was proud that my cardio help up on the walk. My lungs didn’t portray me. My legs didnt call me bitch and go their separate ways. I could tell that I am improving fitness wise.

Day 14: 31 Oct 10

I went to church for the 8 am service and I had a ball! I received some word that made me think and it also made me question. I mean,it isnt church if I dont question something. The guest Pastor Michael Green said, “The purpose of a glass is not to be filled, but rather to be the best glass that it was made to be and being filled is inevitable.” I know that this may be far-fetched…but my purpose is not to be skinny, to be thin bitch trendy…my purpose is to be focused on my purpose and to be healthy and inevitably the slimmer me will follow. I kind of like having that pressure taken off of me. The next step will be for me to find out what my purpose is and then I can go from there. lol. But at least I got a source of wisdom.

I also left and went to brunch at Busboys and Poets ( SHUT UP!!! IT IS MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME!!!) with a friend from church. And between the blasting  THRILLER music and dancing zombies between the tables, I had a blast. I actually behaved food wise. I think….lol. I had the french toast, eggs, bacon and bowl of fruit.  Oh yeh, and a mimosa. lol. That was all I ate/drank the entire day. I came home thinking that I was going to take an hour nap and it turned into a 6 hour adventure…lol. I then got up and I finished Kenpo X which was supposed to be for Day 13. TODAY…it was supposed to be my rest day. But It was me who decided to rest on Friday… I had to make up the day lost. No excuses!!! No pain, no Losss! (Thanks Mentor…lol) SO once I finished Kenpo I did 35 minutes of the Stretch X before I began to get lightheaded….remember I havent eaten since brunch. But I think that I did well. OUtside of my right hip sciatica acting up…. I feel good. I kicked at my imaginary asshole and any other assholes who think that they can try me. I yelled that I am worthy of love and being love. I was worthy of health and fitness and my making up these routines was me telling the universe to go fuck itself with a small penis with erectile dysfunction! My knees are popping on squats but I keep it moving. I kept it moving when my hip was hurting. I didnt even give myself time to think whether it was pain or just a moment of challenge. But I kept it moving!!! I had to stop though on the spine roll because there was a clicking sound when I rolled up on my tail bone….and I dont think that hurt feeling was worth the stretch.I know I will stop before I injure myself…but today just wasnt that day. I made it up to myself!! I made myself get up and work out! ANd I did it! I DID IT!!!

I also decided to get up and cook fajitas for lunch tomorrow. Not that much steak, but tons of onions, green and yellow/red bell peppers, and tortillas. They are small tortillas and so I wont be eating that much…and I am proud of that. Now I just have to make sure that I can figure out what my snacks will be tomorrow. But I am sure I will figure it out. Ialso have decided to do Doubles this week. NOT P90X’s Double…but my version of double. For Example, I may do Hip Hop Abs in the morning and then come home and workout to P90X in the evening. I just want to speed up the results. I have lost 2 inches in my waist in 2 weeks ( 43 to 41 inches) and I have lost an inch & a half in my hips ( 47 to 45.5). I have stopped looking at the scale because it isnt saying what I want it to say, but the loss of inches is making me smile on the inside. I will see myself through this. 76 more days ( check the math) left and I will have completed my longest stint of my life with a fitness program!!!! And even though this version doesnt seem as deep as my other version. I hope that you got something out of it. It is not easy. It is not a walk in the park with roses. This is tear dropping, sweat creating, wall and excuse busting routines that you have to have a mindset to complete. I am proud that I even chose this program. Well….I’ll go to bed now… I have to wake up in a few hours.

P.S. Please leave a message. Your email will NOT be posted with your comment. And people who read and dont leave comments are internet Niggas! Yes, I said it. voyeurs!!! I write because I need to get it out….but even if you hit the “LIKE” button,or the Twitter Button…the Facebook button.. SOMETHING!!! We have to get out of this anti-social social medium. Just speak. You speaking motivates me. Thanks.

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

P90X Journey: Day 9

In P90X Journey on 27 October 2010 at 10:24 am

 

26 Oct 10

I had every intention of working out this morning, but after last night I was just too exhausted. My co-worker told me that I would get more benefit out of working out in the morning….and I want to switch to mornings, but that will be a huge challenge for me and my late-night lifestyle. ARGH!!!! Changes…. I’m working out…isnt that enough?!

So I got up this morning and came straight to work. I will workout when I go home before I head out to PF Change w/ my mentor. The thing is, I know that I will need to view the menu online before I head over there so I can make a wise decision before I even walk into the building. Make sure that my portions are cut in half before I even eat and ask for a doggy bag. I cannot mess up! My friends and I are always out eating somewhere…it is how we bond.lol. but I will workout, that is not in question.

Unfortunately, this morning I went to Au Bon Pan just to speak to the staff there like I use to do all of the time before I started P90X, and then I got in my feelings. I told one of the staff members that I was doing P90X and he somewhat chuckled and said in his African accent, ” You? nooooo that is a hard exercise program. Are you just watching it?” I told him that I was offended. Damn did he think I was that fat , or was it because I was a woman who wasnt suppose to be able to do the routines, or was it just that I wasnt thought to be strong enough to do the program? Either way… I was offended and I let him know it. I almost tapped into my inner Naija!

I think that tonight is scheduled to be Cardio X. This week I will finish the lean program and next week I plan to switch over to Classic and do that for two weeks….then I want to switch over to doubles. I wanted to build up to doubles, and I don’t think that my switching around routines will hurt me all that much….expecially if I start after a rest day. I want to get results and make sure that everything stays fresh in my mind. I just know that the doubles are going to kill me.

It is 11:32 ESt and my Pedometer reads:8,626. I want to be well over 20 thousand steps by the time that I get home and I want to see if I can be past 30 thousand steps by the end of the day. And these are steps OUTSIDE of my P90X workout sessions…thsi is in addition to those. I thought it couldn’t hurt to move outside of the routines as well. Help speed up the process. I may actually start fitting in another day of cardio and going to the gym to run for 30 minutes to an hour just so I can burn more calories and pick up my endurance…as well as use some of the thigh resistance machines. Today I am tired, but I will have to push myself to make it through this exercise. I may get to bed early tomorrow. Well…let you know how the workout goes tonight.

THE WORKOUT

So, after work I went home and I took a much need hour nap. I got it in my head that I needed to workout before I went out with my mentor, versus working out late at night again upon returning home. So I put on my workout shoes and I hit the living room floor running. I got struck by a touch of boredom during portions of the exercise which I had to correct my mindset and admit that it was just me wanting to sit down and watch the video rather than me being truly bored with it. I still can’t do the towel hop with both feet together because it hurts my shins. I also noticed that when I do a proper lunge, it stretches out the pinched nerve and lower back/hip area that usually gives me trouble. I ran through my house during the superman/bananas… I know, I know…. shoot me. At least I was moving… and I did everything else except the Dreya Rolls.

All in all I was happy that I worked out. I got it out of the way and I kept my word to myself for yet another day. Yesterday for lunch I had a small container from the buffet filled with strawberries, mushrooms, lettuce, olives, a hard-boiled egg, sunflower seeds, and tuna. I think that was a great light lunch filled with things I was supposed to have throughout the day. At P.F Chang’s I had the Hot & Sour Soup, Calamari (shut up I earned it), Sweet & Sour Chicken  (Shut up yet again) & the mini Red Velvet cake ( DANG DIDNT I SAY SHUT THE HELL UP! lol). But… I took home a doggy bag and I didn’t eat everything that was right in front of my face. I also only drank water through out the entire day yesterday. I can’t even tell you the last time I did that…and I wasnt disgusted by the absence of taste….lol.

Yesterday was a great day in the end…….I have a lot to still work through. Thanks for reading my journey. If you are thinking about doing P90X or have questions, or are on the program now…. LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW!!! Don’t worry, your email will not show, so you can enter it. Thanks!

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

The House My Father Built

In XX Edition: About the Girls on 26 October 2010 at 10:09 am

       It occurred like a script unfolding in real life. It was as if I read God’s mind, wrote a blog & then He got jealous at my telepathic skills and decided to put me to the test. “How dare I pick up on God’s plan” is what this lesson was teaching me. How  dare I be so in tune with the powers that be that I set myself up in the cross hairs of this lesson’s aim. But here I stood, or laid rather. September 17th, 2010, just 9 days after I wrote a blog about being molested by my father……I wake up to a Facebook message of a woman telling me that she worked with my father and he was trying to find me.  *glass shatters* Fear riddled my body as if the Nazi party had ratted me out to the KKK for kissing a white man in Mississippi after running away from the plantation without my freedom papers. No amount of words could describe this experience.

        It had been almost 16 years since the last time I had set eyes on, heard from, or even smelled my biological father. It wasnt even anything that I missed. But here is was, invading my Blackberry and oozing into the privacy of my house. I closed the application just because I felt that it was giving too much information about my whereabouts. There I was… wrapped in my covers having not even stepped out of bed for the morning….and I was no longer the 29-year-old woman who I was supposed to be; I was now a 9-year-old crouched in the corner of the bed waiting for my father to turn the bedroom door knob after having smoked a Newport.

        How do you compete with that? How do you explain to yourself that the emotions you are feeling are validated yet you fight so hard not to experience them? Why was I on the brink of crying? Why was I feeling heavy all of a sudden? I was grown, right? I had done well for myself without him, right? He wasnt even on my radar. The last time , before the blog, that I had even thought of my father was when I was in high school searching obituaries just so that I could finally know that he had died. It was as much of a ritual for me as Muslims pray throughout the day. It was my sanctuary of revenge.  Housed inside of my facade of happiness hid the fear that he would one day find me.

        So from my bed, the first thing that came to mind was. I rent, so the house isn’t in my name. The phone is shared with my roommate and it isn’t in my name. Other than my taxes, only a hand-full of people know my exact location. I go by my stage name so that should people in Baltimore ever reference me in his presence, he wouldn’t even know that it was me. I never take the same route home or mode of transportation from and to different locations; I’ve become my own CIA agent. I have a google voice number so that no one can ever track me down and connect me directly. I know 4 escape routes out of my house just in case I need to flee. But why was it that….with all of this hiding, he still managed to find me . In my home. In my bed. Waking me from my sleep. I managed to still be exposed. This time, I couldn’t escape.

The correspondences with the coworker went as follows:

  •  
    • Gina September 17 at 6:26am Report
    • 2Deep,
      My name is Gina and I work with your father. He has ask me to send you this message he would very much like to see you and sit down and talk. We are currently in Baltimore, Maryland. Please send me a message on what you would like to do. He knows that you don’t want to see him but he request that you at least give him a chance to explain. Thanks Gina
    • 2Deep September 17 at 6:29am
      Are you serious?!!!! How’d you even find me and where does he work/live? Etc. Let me think about it b/c I really don’t see what there could be to explain.
       
    • Gina  September 17 at 6:53am Report
      2Deep, he works at [employer], our number is 410-[###-###] not that I am pushing the issue just wanted to give you the number just in case after you think about it. Thanks for answering me, he does not have a computer
       
    • 2Deep September 17 at 6:55am
      I don’t mean to be rude, as this is not directed at you, but why is he looking for me now and does he know where I am? Is he dying? Because this sounds like a guilty man dying.
       
    • Gina  September 17 at 7:11am Report
      Believe me I understand and I know it is not directed at me. He was off yesterday and he came in this morning and said that a situation had come up and I guess someone told him to check on Facebook , in conversation I told him I had a Facebook account and that’s how he found you. He said that he has been looking for you, and it is important that he sees you. and no he is not dying. he just said to me it is important to him. I do not know the story nor am I trying to get in your business or his, but I understand your feelings because even though it may not be the same situation one of my family members did not see their child for years, and when they tried she did not want to see them. so I do understand. He just knows that you may be in Maryland, at least that’s what he said.
       
    • 2Deep September 17 at 7:13am
      Well, I will think about it. Thanks. Have a blessed day.
      Sent via Facebook Mobile
       
    • Gina  September 17 at 7:17am Report
      you too!!!
        Wow! What a way to start the day, huh? The sad part about it was… I put on a good front. I stood my ground and appeared sane. If only for a moment I felt proud of myself. I got up and took a shower, ate, and took over an hour to decide what I was going to wear to work, how was my hair suppose to be, and should I wear make-up. BAM! I caught myself. I caught myself making sure I was “perfect”. I hadn’t done this in years. My father, without even being in the same house, had managed to creep into my psyche and revert me back to the child who double checked everything before leaving my room. Part of it was to make sure that I was well covered so he wouldn’t be attracted to anything on me. The other half was so that I could cover up to the world just how worthless and ugly I felt from what was going on behind the walls of my house. It was dress up. And even though I still havent seen Tyler Perry’s interview, but have heard of it….. I dressed up to run away from the moments that weren’t so pretty. Everything could be dressed up. Everything could be made into make-believe and make-believe made real. And 16 years later, I stood in my house playing dress up for the day.  And I sat Indian style on the floor and cried. I made myself look in the mirror as I did this, made myself self say “fuck the time” as I was already late for work, and I cried.
I cried that the emotions I had dressed up had taken it  upon themselves to undress without my permission. They had chosen to come out of the closet and drape over my camouflage and force me to pay attention to the situation at hand. And I wasnt ready. I wasnt ready to go out on stage. I wasnt ready to speak the lines that were literally written on the page, but rather summarize the thesis. But curtain call was calling me to come and hold this situation’s hand and take a bow….the run on Broadway could end, but for some reason… I was a member of Cats and I identified myself with this long drawn out version of my existence. Who would I be if I didn’t have this as a crutch to fall back on when needed? Who would I be if I didn’t have this hatred in the back of my heart? Who am I?
So I got up, wiped the make-up from my face, pulled my hair back in a simple pony tail, and I went to work comfortably for the day. I was ready to be a big girl. Despite the walls that my father had helped me to build around my fears, around my self-worth, around my heart, I too knew how to handle a tool or two. And this act of defiance, this unwillingness to dress up on this day, shook the very foundation of my father’s house of cards that once seemed like Alcatraz wrapped around me. And a few days passed……
  • 2Deep September 20 at 2:23pm
    Hello,

    I still havent decided on myself, but you could at least tell him that I passed his information on to my sister. She has been looking for him.

    I guess what is stalling my final decision would be.. what “situation” occurred that made him wish to look for me. If that cannot be answered on your part, I completely understand.

    I humbly appreciate your patience and understanding as well as your participation. God bless!
    ~2Deep

  • Gina September 20 at 4:01pm Report
    2Deep I am at home now so first thing in the morning I will tell him about your message. We also looked for your sister on here as well and we did find a [My Sister’s Name] on here and I sent a friend request to the young lady but have not heard from her maybe she is not the right person or because she doesn’t know me she did not accept my request. I am sure he will want me to send a message to you in the morning but I don’t want to wake you in the morning so let me know what is a good time because I think that I may have woke you up the last time we spoke thru messaging. Thanks Gina
  • 2Deep September 20 at 4:14pm
    I wake up around 6:30am every morning so I was just waking up last time. Yes, that is her and I have no clue if she still has an account here on FB, she an I are currently not speaking. Like Father, like child. Have a blessed evening.
  • Gina  September 20 at 5:02pm Report
    YOU TOO!!
  • Gina  September 21 at 9:15am Report
    2Deep,
    This is what he said to me. YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER AND I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO SEE YOU. When you decide to see me I will explain everything. that’s what he said to me. Gina
  • 2Deep September 21 at 9:21am
    LMAO!!!!! Boy, I always wondered where I got my twisted humor from. Now, I see that I got it honest. Thanks for the message. I pray that you have a wonderful day. Mine is going beautifully. God bless!~2Deep
    Sent via Facebook Mobile
  • Gina September 21 at 9:27am Report
    I am sorry if I sounded abrupt but that’s exactly how he said it to me.
    Gina
  • 2Deep   September 21 at 9:36am
    Oh no, it’s NOT YOU. I heard his voice in my head when you said it. I believe that is exactly how he said it & that’s what makes it funny. Don’t mind me. Long story. Thanks again.
    Sent via Facebook Mobile
  • Gina September 21 at 9:45am Report
    ok, no problem have a good one.
  • 2Deep September 21 at 9:31p

        My sister, the one who would have a better shot at robbing Jesus of a Rolex & speaking to my father, said that she called the number you provided today around 4pm your time & no one answered. When is there a better time to call?I don’t know you, but I pray that this isn’t a prank,   for my sister’s sake. B/c this would kill her if she couldn’t actually get in contact w/ him. Thanks.

  • Gina    September 22 at 6:40am Report
  • 2Deep, this is not a joke!! I know your first name is [My Name] (spelling may be wrong) or at least that is what your father told me. He works 7 to 3:30 we close at 4:00 and believe me the girls in the office leave at 5 of. our answering machine does not come on until 5:00 pm
    she can call during th day at anytime. she did friend me and I am sure he will send a message. Thanks Gina
  • 2Deep   September 22 at 6:43am
  • Thanks so very much. I care more about her talking to her name sake than myself. My apologies if I sounded rude, I just have to play big sis and make sure that she isn’t being messed with. Have a blessed day.
  • Sent via Facebook Mobile
  • Gina September 22 at 6:48am Report
  • I do not think you are being rude. Again I don’t know the whole story and of course what little I am hearing is one side. after working with your Dad for 4yrs I kind of know how he is, and after talking to you for just a few short days I can tell that you have grown into a fine young lady with or with out him. I can understand why you want to protect your family. Have a great day!!!
  • 2Deep September 22 at 6:55am
  • Wow! 4 years?! More power to you! I guess my curiosity only wants to know what he looks like. I don’t think that I am either emotionally or mentally prepared to hear much else at this time. Still praying on it. If I were to ever contact him I would have to feel safe & have all of my tracks covered. I am a secluded person, very secretive & private, & wish for not even friends to be able to find me or know where I live, all thanks to him. Been this way since my teens. So I will continue to pray about it & hope that he doesn’t feed my sister lies or false hopes. Thanks again for everything. God bless.
  • Sent via Facebook Mobile
  • Gina September 22 at 6:58am Report
  • I hope he doesn’t feed either one of you lies and false hope. I will bring a camera in and take a picture and post it on my account for you. (if I can remember, I am old lol…) What ever your decision is I am just the messenger and I wish you well. I am sure we will talk again
  • 2Deep    September 22 at 6:59am
  • Thanks. God bless!
        Then one day, as if I wasnt moving on his time. I get a message that shook my defiance awake. It was as if this was a true test to my face! Bold, deliberate and outright disrespectful to my very being…to my existence. I woke up to a heading that read:  [2Deep], THIS IS A LETTER YOUR FATHER WROTE TO SEND YOU. HE ASK ME TO SEND IT THROUGH FACEBOOK,  and it read:
  •  
    • Gina September 24 at 1:37pm Report
      [misspelled my name],
      It saddens me that you have to think about seeing your father. That tells me that the amount of poison that you have been fed has become lethal and my suffering will continue. On the other hand I am so very proud of you and your accomplishments!!!!! you appear to be a very beautiful young lady with a promising future. I will always love you and I look forward to the day that you can look pass my failures as a parent and try to start a new relationship with me..your father.

      (2Deep, I was hesitant to send this to you because I feel that it is not my place, but he asked because he has no way to contact you and he kept asking me. ) Gina

    • 2Deep  September 24 at 1:49pm
      Thank you so very much. If there is an address (US Postal) for him where I can reply, I’ll address/reply to him personally. Since he is playing victim & suffering from a bout w/ amnesia, I’ll remain on the borders of the real issues as well. Again, you are heaven-sent & your efforts are genuinely appreciated. God bless.~2Deep
      Sent via Facebook Mobile
    • 2Deep  September 24 at 2:09pm
      P.S. Please tell him to learn how to properly spell my name, if that wasn’t a typo.
        There it was. He didn’t take responsibility for anything. it was this mysterious “poison” that I was supposed to have been fed. I felt hurt all over again, but this time I decided to fight back. I fought the urge to cry, I wavered on what I should do… so I did what came naturally… I called my dad (godfather).
I mentioned it to my dad and my mother over heard the conversation. She said to me, “Forgive him, and then move on. Dont confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.”  And that was that. Again, my mother said the simplest thing and it made perfect sense. I didn’t have to sit in turmoil over what to do. I just had to respectfully forgive. I would never be as outright as Tyler and pay for his bills, etc. But I could at least respect his position of who he should have been and close this for myself. I still havent done it yet… but I plan to. I don’t know if I want to write a letter, or to call, or to see him in person just to close this out for myself. But one day soon… I will be free. 
I wonder what it will be like to live in a new house. A house where I won the keys, where my name is on all owner’s documents. Because living in this house that my father built has brought forth some bitter-sweet memories. I am thankful that I survived, but bitter that I had to endure the construction of these walls all in the same breath. Each day I build a foundation of courage to speak my mind , the wisdom to know what to say and if I should ask questions, the strength to walk away , the understanding to not feel guilty, and forgiveness to truly mean it for good. Forgiveness: Extreme Makeovers: Home Edition.
Sincerely,
~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

Advice from the Other Woman

In Cupid & Other Myths, XX Edition: About the Girls on 28 September 2010 at 12:03 am

WARNING: SUPER LONG BLOG, BUT HONEST & INSIGHTFUL!!!!

       Ignorance is bliss. It is also the gateway for you to get Punk’d. For Ashton, prior to allegations of his cheating on Demi, and his entire camera crew to walk right into your relationship and rob you of any stability that you once thought you had. Except for this time, Ashton is dressed in 4 inch heels, rocking a Prada dress so short she could catch pneumonia in her good-goods, while sexting the person you said “I love you” to 5 minutes ago or “I do” to 24 hours ago…and her name is Ashley, or Kendra, or Stephony, Latrell, Keisha, Tanisha, Tabitha, a low-life hoe named Angel, Bootasia…..etc. You catch my drift. For this blog, the aforementioned home wreckers shall be called OWs (Other Women). All OWs are assumed innocent until proven hoochies.

        The odds of your man cheating on you are about as high of a possibility as him enjoying  himself as he “exfoiliates” his genital region in the shower each morning.  With such a high possibility, the probability of this happening lowers by the set of morals that your man has, how many fugly women are in your community, and how ugly your man is to the beautiful women in the community. The stakes are raised,however, by the number of desperate women there are, your man’s income (despite how unattractive he is), and any rumors that may be in circulation about his sexual accomplishments. Since the latter scenario is higher than the prior…toss in a bitter black woman &, honey….. your man might cheat.

        But what is cheating to you? To the insecure broad, cheating could be him turning his head in the direction of a beautiful woman as she sashays by her man in the mall. To the “I don’t need a man, but be happy that I chose you” woman, cheating may be him assisting a woman with her grocery bags to the car…I mean after all, his hands were free since his woman chose to do it all herself. To the average woman, cheating could be him sharing himself emotionally with another female, showing a side of himself that he has never shown to her. But to every woman….cheating also means any form of sexual contact or interaction with a woman other than the one who claims you ( on or off the record). Wow…. each scenario is like Melanie’s & Derwin’s entire relationship on The Game.

Note to the fellas: If we slept together…. we go together!

My advice to all of the above are as follows:

    1. Dear Insecure Broad, what the hell is wrong with you? She is beautiful, yes. But the turning of your man’s head does NOT, I repeat to the self-esteem challenged, does NOT equate to infidelity. It lets you know that all of your man’s man parts are working. And if you thought she was cute, and he thought she was cute too, then damn… y’all agree on something. Which means, if you think that you are cute + she was cute + he thought she was cute then that may = him thinking that you are cute too. Instead of jumping on the dude and starting to count his condoms ( please tell me you use condoms!!!) take this as an opportunity to eavesdrop on what it is that catches your man’s attention. But do NOT take this as an opportunity to alter your physical or personal style to match, just take inventory, and store it for that special moment; almost like a treat. Of course, there is an exception, if your guy turns his head and forgets to turn it back in your direction… then you have reason to think that he is disrespectful, but until then… chill like Jada does when Will checks out beautiful women. She’s not trippin…because he isn’t going ANYWHERE!
    2. Dear Next Millenium Bionic Woman, why are you even with a man if there is nothing that he can do for you? There is a thin line in being independent and competent and being borderline butch. Unless your name is Craig and his is Earl, there is only ONE penis in this relationship…allow his to hang, have some breathing room to sway, and do what it is that he was designed to do.  Yes, men should love strong women…I get that, but if you are too strong they may be tempted to check for an Adam’s apple or flee. Just chill….you and I both know that women can do any and everything that we want to do, the catch is to not let HIM know that, or remind him all the damn time. This will definitely turn a seemingly innocent act of chivalry ( assisting with groceries) into a weekly rendezvous in the produce aisle. Your man assisting another woman should get you hot… not hot-headed but…turned on, just because you know that every woman wants a man like yours. Dont be so strong that you assist in giving him a hand in jumping over the fence to greener pastures, nor get so laid-back that you turn in to chick from #1. Think…. Charlize Theron in Hancock!
    3. Dear Average Woman, Men are not emotional creatures…….to us. They cry in the dark and throw their feelings into the very same closets that R Kelly hides his midget porn. Get over it. They still have feelings, and just be thankful that he has found a healthy person to share his emotions with. Trust me, I know that it hurts like hell because you want to be there to share everything with him… but as long as she only gives him a shoulder to lean on to express himself, then baby..yeh I’ll say it again….get over it. It doesn’t mean that he is cheating, it just means that you have YET to learn this side of him. There are things you tell your girlfriends that you don’t tell him…. TRUST ME. I know for a fact that you didn’t tell your man your thoughts about the size of the strippers’ worthy of mentioning unmentionables from Asia’s bachelorette party. So, as long as he is still communicating with you, just let that be his safe haven until he is on his death-bed and reveals that he absolutely hates your cooking but loves you for the attempt. You mustn’t also forget the billions of times he tried to tell you the truth, you didn’t listen and swore he was lying anyway…. that, too, may be the reason he doesn’t tell you -ish.Just saying…. don’t shoot the OW, learn how to listen.
    4. Girl…. WHat?! That N!&&@ did what?!!!! Cheated with an OW?!*sharpens Cutco, puts on Vaseline, *Hair in pony tail. Puts on CSI crime scene, able to catch my DNA, approved vest and grabs Lorraina Bobbet Emergency Kit. Next.

       I know for a fact that there are several more scenarios, but I havent gotten to that portion of my therapy sessions yet, so these will have to do.  And I know you are wondering how do I know these things… well… I was once …well… the enemy. Yes, I was once an OW. Much to my defense, not that I need any because I know how to fight… & WELL…. ask about me. Dang, where was I? Oh, yeh…. much to my defense, I didn’t even know that I was the OW ( The Fantasia Defense).  So I learned several tricks of the trade from being on the other side of the fence. If nothing more I learned:

UNLESS THE OW IS A FAMILY MEMBER< BEST FRIEND<THIRD COUSIN TWICE REMOVED BY MARRIAGE ON YOUR PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER’S SIDE……. DONT YOU EVER TAKE YOUR DRAMA TO THE DOORSTEP OF THE OW!!!!!!

       Unless she comes to your doorstep bringing the pain…. you keep within restraining order distance away from her. There are several reasons:

1. You are NOT sleeping with the OW. She didn’t break your heart, break any vows, or directly give you an STD. She may not have even known you existed.

2. Fussing with the OW gets your man off the hook. He learns NOTHING. Actually, he is banking on telling you that she has lost her mind and is just a groupie, and that he told her several times to stop calling him. STOP… wait a minute… how did she even get his number? And “I DONT KNOW” does not suffice as an answer. (Exception to the rule: There are some crazy females out there.. trust in your man , your relationship, and your inner female intuition to see if this number actually applies to you.  If by chance she is crazy, collect $200 for bail money, go past GO & I give you permission to whoop that trick!)

3. Fighting with her makes you come up out the pocket and let both her and him know that you are now hurt. This is war woman, you don’t let the enemy know you are coming. SHUT UP AND PLAY THE WAY BIG MAMA TAUGHT YOU HOW TO PLAY; tight thighs , and even tighter lips with clenched fists.

4. You need to be a big girl and face what is really going on. Beating up some random chick Jerry Springer style will only make you feel better momentarily.

       All of this to say…. you have to think like us. And as a smart OW…I held on to evidence from 2004! Real talk, I have Yahoo! Messenger conversations still on floppy disk….lmbo!!!! There’s nothing like a swift Facebook note containing evidence of something he once said in a playerlistic manner to ruin his whole damn day! lol. Sorry, that got funny as I had a flash back. Keep us close, meaning us OWs. It’s when you can’t see us that we are able to do the most damage. I can say this now as a looooooooong ago reformed OW. It is never my intent to be an OW, but should the situation arise… you respect me and I shall respect you. Hell… I’ll even help you torch the cheating son of biscuit eating bulldog. But it is when you disrespect me ( assuming that I’ve been respectful) that your cards will come crashing down faster than you can get the panties off of Montana Fishburne, My cousin, and Paris Hilton in a panty dropping contest. Believe me, my cousin is FAST, my money is on her!  Again, you ladies would NOT believe the things that your guy tells us, in efforts to make us think that he is single, the marriage isn’t working, you’ve changed, and the list goes on. For example (actual messages below from a guy not too long after he got married. The identity of the stupid has been changed to protect the innocent):

  • 4:16:29 PM Stupid Dude###336: i had just looked at your profile before i went to sleep (why is this guy who is married stalking my profile before he went to sleep?)
  • 4:24:13 PM Stupid Dude###336: i know I am married and I have a good woman by my side…
    4:24:55 PM Stupid Dude###336: but I had a great woman when I was with you and I miss my great woman
  • 4:27:25 PM Stupid Dude###336: i’m happy with what I have here but I always will wonder what if (then if you are happy…. why are you always trying to get me into romantic conversations? I’m not falling for it playa! My game is stronger than yours, besides… I’ve moved on & let you go a long time ago)
  • 4:29:06 PM Stupid Dude###336: i understand that you let go
    4:29:16 PM Stupid Dude###336: but dammit it’s not easy to let go
    4:29:27 PM Stupid Dude###336: i try and try but i can’t (well try a little harder buddy…b/c it ant happening here!)

       Yadda yadda yadda. We discuss how he has a history of not really being faithful. How he treats women, and I congratulate him on finally settling down & getting married. The conversation then goes:

  • 4:30:17 PM Me: but I applaud [her] for being that woman who finally got you to do it
    4:30:35 PM Stupid Dude###336: she didn’t get me to do it
    4:30:51 PM Me: no, meaning that she loved you to a point where you felt the need to do it
    4:31:13 PM Stupid Dude###336: lol…you don’t understand
  • 4:31:33 PM Stupid Dude###336: i felt that I would never get you back… and I…..SETTLED

       Yes, you read correctly. The negro said he settled with his wife. But nothing beats my favorite! My friend told me that a guy once told her that the only reason he married his wife was because he “ran out of rope”! lmao!He was an older gentleman and didn’t want to waste two more years getting into another relationship and he didn’t want to be an old father, so he married his current girlfriend even though he didn’t love her. But I digress. I continue to go on to say how foul he is, this isn’t right, she doesn’t deserve this, the nerve of this nigga [pardon my Ebonics]!!!!! etc.  I mean, did he really think that saying this about his NEW wife was going to make me drop all common sense and take him back? I mean really, if you would say this about your wife….what they hell do you say behind my back about me? But as I said, you would be amazed at what they tell us….continue….

  • 4:36:05 PM Stupid Dude###336: So in saying that ,I am glad I settled because it took for me to settle to realize what a good woman I have…
  • 4:37:19 PM Stupid Dude###336: I don’t treat her like i used to, i try to do everything [in] my power to show her on a daily basis that I love her, but in the back of my mind I always wonder what if

       So you see, from what I posted, and from what I REFUSE to post…. we hear it all. And this is the PG stuff that I can post. I never wanted him back after seeing how he still treated women, but that didn’t keep him from trying to turn me into an OW. Even if I didn’t know that the other girl existed… I highly doubt that I would have dated this person again. Just something about him rings “lie”. OWs become the other person because the guy feels that he is missing out on something. He gets greedy, or gets scared of commitment and he freaks out and goes in search of an OW. He said everything above, I don’t have the power in me as an OW to make him say this…..much like you don’t have the power to keep him around if he doesn’t want to stay. You have to look out for you…because that is EXACTLY what an OW and your man are doing. Why should you be the only one not being taken care of? But I digress…back to the advice.

        Outside of the obvious, don’t tell your woes to an OW. A reformed OW will tell you to think it out on your own, dig inside your heart and think about what is best for you and your future…. a triffling OW will prompt you to unlock the door so she can help you pack your ish as she cases out how her earring collection will look beautiful on the bedroom dresser. To be honest, I wouldn’t even tell my friends how bad my relationship had gotten unless my husband was OJ, Manson, or George W Bush. There are some things, ladies, that you need to learn to keep to yourself. Because you never know who you could be helping to creep all up and through your situation. An OW doesnt need any additional help, because he’s quick to tell us what it is that you don’t do:

  • 5:08:20 PM Stupid Dude###336: i actually sat there last nite and tried to find [what i liked in you ,in her] but y’all are 2 totally different people
    5:08:42 PM Me: you can go play basketball with her, watch sports, go to the club, crack jokes, make nicknames…I don’t do anything special
    5:09:28 PM Stupid Dude###336: she doesn’t play basketball, she doesn’t club, and she doesn’t watch sports for real
    5:10:38 PM Me: I don’t play basketball..I don’t club, and I dont watch sports for real.. you see how much in common we have
    5:11:04 PM Stupid Dude###336: we did all of that…lol
    5:11:30 PM Me: hahahaha… I dont have any basketball skills…lol. that was pretend
    5:11:35 PM Me: I am sure she can do better than me
    5:12:02 PM Stupid Dude###336: that’s not the point…you got out there and you played ball with me

And even faster at telling us how much he dreams about us:

  • 5:25:19 PM Stupid Dude###336: we started kissing and you were unbuttoning my shirt and a nigga woke up
    5:25:38 PM Me: lol
    5:25:48 PM Stupid Dude###336: I remember all that cause [wife’s name] said I was moaning in my sleep
    5:25:57 PM Me: wow!!!!!
    5:26:12 PM Me: now watch me get blamed for that mess

       And even when the OW stays in her place, reminds him of what they really are and that nothing more can happen… the man will try reverse psychology:

  • 6:27:24 PM Me: any time , friend
    6:27:37 PM Stupid Dude###336: i don’t even want that title
    6:27:46 PM Me: why, friend?
    6:27:55 PM Stupid Dude###336: i come at you like you are doing wrong but you aren’t
    6:28:19 PM Stupid Dude###336: i try to make it seem like all i want is a friend when i know that all I want is you
    6:28:24 PM Stupid Dude###336: by my side
    6:28:31 PM Stupid Dude###336: i’m sorry
    6:28:34 PM Me: friend, I can stand beside you
    6:28:43 PM Stupid Dude###336: stop calling me that
    6:28:49 PM Me: and apology accepted for your confusing yourself
    6:29:12 PM Me: and I will think about [if I will] stop calling you my friend
    6:29:32 PM Me: but i have to say it so I can stay in my place, to stay where I need to be
    6:29:55 PM Stupid Dude###336: well maybe that’s not where you need to be
    6:29:56 PM Me: to remain safe in these dangerous conversations that we keep having, which is so not fair to anyone involved
    6:30:07 PM Stupid Dude###336: true

       And when he saw that  I wasnt budging…. he went back in for the kill. The ” I will tell you how horrible my situation is, even if it really isnt, just so that you can change your mind and do what I want you to do” move. Yes… I call this the “Extra Desperate To Think I’m This Dumb” Tactic:

  • 6:45:59 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you have accomplishments…i have a marriage license that don’t mean shit
    6:46:08 PM    Me: why doesnt it mean shit
    6:46:14 PM    Me: it is a marriage license.
    6:46:37 PM    Stupid Dude###336: because the marriage isn’t shit…we don’t do shit for real
    6:46:46 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you have accomplishments i don’t
    6:47:04 PM    Me: I have accomplishments because I refuse to SETTLE!!!!!
    6:47:08 PM    Stupid Dude###336: I won’t be able to have a family
    6:47:17 PM    Stupid Dude###336: just a wife
    6:48:03 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you will have your accomplishments, your husband, and a family…
    6:48:13 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you say you won’t but i believe you will

       Zinger……3 hours later….he just nailed his own coffin….all in hopes of having an OW by his side. He could be lying through his teeth, and very well may have been…..but either way, his words have consequences. I consider this desperate. I know he doesn’t respect his wife…..and he damn sure doesn’t respect me. But this is nothing unusual in the life of an OW. They will stop at NOTHING to try to get us. Some fall for this, the rest of us…. we don’t. But the smart ones keep the evidence for sour, bitter days like today. When you get tired of holding on to someone else’s dirty laundry and you finally decide for them to wash their own emotional shit!

       And I am not innocent in all of this. I said some things here or there that I probably shouldn’t have. But before every conversation was concluded, like this excerpt from another conversation, I let him know how cool I really was with his wife and why nothing could ever go down. Yes,I’m cool with the wife…..dont ask, long story, out of the ordinary, but the girl is mad cool. So I once said to him, (and this is speaking from truth)

  • 5:11:21 PM      Me: You would flinch if you knew the number of times that I have plotted to get you away from [wife] and then had to pray for forgiveness because it was only out of jealousy to the fact that she had something that I didnt
    5:11:34 PM    Me: dude… you better be Glad the Lord is always talking to me
    5:11:35 PM    Me: lol
    5:12:05 PM    Stupid Dude###336: You would flinch if you knew the number of times that I have wanted you to get you away from [wife]
    5:12:30 PM    Me: you wanted me to get away from [wife], or you to get away from [wife]?
    5:12:52 PM    Stupid Dude###336: i wanted you
    5:13:26 PM    Me: nah, I wouldn’t flinch… you said it.. the truth of the matter is I didnt believe it because you werent bold nor stupid enough to take measures to follow through with it
    5:13:39 PM    Me: and the funny thing is.. I am too cool with [wife] to even let you do it.
    5:13:47 PM    Stupid Dude###336: i hear ya….
    5:14:34 PM    Me: I dont think that she talks about me behind my back, but I wouldnt be surprised because she has every reason to do so… I’m your ex….but I still will never do anything from my side to give her [reason] to
  • 5:53:17 PM    Stupid Dude###336: i mean when you say that you wish you never married me then how do you expect that i would feel?
    5:53:36 PM    Me: ouch
    5:53:42 PM    Me: that is between you… and her
    5:54:18 PM    Me: I want to steer as far away from that conversation as humanly possible.. for soooooo many reasons
    5:55:26 PM    Me: bathroom break..brb
    5:56:12 PM    Stupid Dude###336: if u get mad at me for talking fly to other females but then you talking waaay more fly to other guys and even after we got married then what….
    5:58:47 PM    Me: again
    5:58:56 PM    Me: I am staying faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from that conversation
    5:59:03 PM    Stupid Dude###336: lol…my bad
    5:59:29 PM    Me: I am not touching that one with a ten foot pole…… just not gonna do it

       As you can see, my advice comes from a collage of personal experiences from different relationships and from watching other friends become OWs knowingly or unknowingly. Either way, I sympathize with any woman in a relationship. There is a lure about an OW that keeps the man interested, that keeps his inner hunter wondering if he can capture a woman, and the thrill of the chase and not getting caught. Oddly enough, it doesn’t mean that he loves you any less, it just means that he doesn’t love himself enough to know that working with one great woman is better than having two who hate you. I didn’t invent the game, but several years ago I learned how to play it, and got out before I got burned. I was the main woman trying to keep all of the OWs away and failed miserably, and then he turned around and tried to make me the OW. I wouldn’t let it happen, kept him in the friend zone. But other guys have made me the OW by omitting that they are already in relationships and then me finding out from Myspace, Facebook, or email, or the good old fashion female calling my house cussing me out. So I thought that I would share this with women who are in relationships…..you have to think like your enemy…..that is the only way you will ever win. Pride aside, the best woman doesn’t always win. Sometimes, losing, as in losing your relationship… could be the best thing to ever happen to you, and you will have an OW to thank.

       My intention is not to shock, hurt, damage or destroy any relationship. This is my blog and I write what I want to write as a part of my therapy… and this just happened to be the topic of the day. So don’t blame me if any of these issues show up in your current situation… I AM NOT THE OW. My suggestion is that,since it is my right to write about my life,  if you don’t want to show up in a blog…I suggest you don’t do me dirty…lol. You may not like what I have written, why I chose to write this, or the fact that I even wrote it… but you have to respect the fact that I told the truth. Come hell or high water, I wish someone would have explained OWs to me before my life got snatched from under me. This is like the Confessions of the OW….lol. Men, I swear… can’t live with them, and get 20 years to life without parole if you try to live without them. lmbo!

This has been Advice from the Other Woman…..comments are welcome.

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

What Happens in this House….:A Molestation Survivor Speaks

In So-Shall Experience on 8 September 2010 at 4:58 pm

WARNING: This is a very graphic and tough topic. Personal experiences and sexual references are made and PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

        Somewhere, in some part of the world, there is a little girl snuggled in her bed pressed against a wall, head under her pillow with just enough space to inhale for the breath holding ahead and to peek towards the door knob awaiting the return of her personal boogie man. Monsters Inc prepares children for the monsters who reside under your bed and in your closets, but what about the monsters who pin you down to the bed and force you and this secret into the closet….what then?

        I was one of those children, and I don’t know if I have ever stopped being one of those children. To this day, I sleep with my bedroom door locked, a privilege that was not granted to me living under his roof. I have escape routes out of windows in my house just in case an intruder were to ever invade my safe haven. Windows covered in complete darkness resemble the rooms I had growing up because our neighbor’s house was so close and he lived by the rule of thumb that “what happens in this house stays in this house.” Who was I to judge his authority?

(Screaming!) He molested me! *exhales* There, I said it…outloud. Who is this “he”, you ask?

        He was my father, Charles S Carter Jr, and he was the man who molested me from before I could remember until the courts took us away from him when I was 12 years old. People say that I look like him, but I still need a DNA test to even begin that process. He was an electrical engineer with several degrees who spoke several languages, and a normal relationship was as foreign to us as him speaking Korean to me in moments of battle. I was his daughter. His first-born, born from the love that he had once married to my mother, but I would come to learn that although I was not his favorite I would turn out to be Daddy’s Girl. Late night parent daughter talks, asthmatic lungs inhaling the stench of Newports from his chest as the weight of a grown man crushed my prepubescent body into a mattress for no other reason than I was female, easily accessible, and he had a disease that yearned to be fed. Daughter perched on daddy’s lap became a moment to talk about whatever popped up, as eyes were turned to the roaming hands of a step brother who idolized him and my flat chest at the same time. This is where I lived and died daily. I lived with a military man who swore to protect his country but protected the secret of his personal habit even harder. Just ask my crushed toes underneath the Army boots that were now stepping on my feet for not wearing socks or houseshoes…as if being his daughter wasnt punishment enough.

        I remember being punished just for breathing too loudly; popped in the mouth for the escape of a smack reaching his eardrum. A simple tug of his beard meant I was in trouble. One time, he hit me so hard in my tailbone that I lost control of my legs and urinated on myself all in one swift swoop, just to turn around and get a whooping for messing up the floor. A call from the teacher meant that I would have to strip in front of my father and walk the house butt naked and if he saw me ,and felt like it, then I would get a whooping right then and there. I became a master at silently turning door knobs better than he could and dodging in and out of bedrooms and hallway closets just to go to and from the bathroom in peace. Doing number two (pardon the graphics) was the only time I could be in the bathroom in peace without anyone entering.  Fingers entering openings to ensure “cleaning” because I was filthy, followed by my father laying me on the bed to towel dry me off and rub me from head to toe with baby oil. Slow grinding on me was common place. Adolescent hips popping out of socket under the weight of his grinding, hurting, caused me to try to push him off because talking would make him lose his concentration and bring whoopings. He never listened to my cries and held my hands down. There I was, learning the best lessons of male and female relationships from my father. How lucky was I to learn about the birds and bees from my own father? Every girl needs a father in the house, right?

        One day in church I just didn’t want to go back to his house. My aunt couldn’t make me if God told me to go back himself. I’d had enough. Sitting in the police station with male police officers giving me different toys to describe my fathers penis proved unfruitful; I didn’t trust males. They had no choice but to send me back. I got a whooping until I blacked out. My father took me to a therapist to save face…maybe she could figure out where I was “making these stories up”.

        Off of Carmichael Road in Montgomery, Alabama sat my therapist’s office. A soft-spoken caucasian woman who listened intently as my father sat on the other side of the door.  That is until the day she asked me to re-enact with Barbie and Ken what I told the police happened….so, I showed her. She opened the door and invited my father into the room so he could see too. I never spoke of anything again. And yes, you guessed it….I got a whooping until I had an asthma attack and he had to take me to Maxwell Air Force Base to the ER. This time my Aunt believed me and she fought for custody…but she still allowed him visitations until she passed away when I was 15. He came to her house for her funeral and sat in the kitchen and told ever male there not to be trusted around me because I would lie on them like I had lied on him. And he vanished into street legend. I never saw him, or the therapist ever again.

        My father followed me, in theory. I heard stories of him doing crack from friends in high school, but he had taught me the best lesson ever; Never let anyone make you feel like less of a person. I walked those halls of my high school as a virgin…because I was. Guys from all around wanted to be with the virgin and every single one failed. I wouldn’t willingly give myself to someone until I was in college. You see….I was molested, but he didn’t take my virginity.

        Every guy is not my father, nor am I searching for him in every guy that I date….but through all that I wrote above and more that I didn’t write….I was still a human. A demon like him couldn’t touch the best parts of me. He couldn’t reach them with all of his might because his intentions were wrong. My virginity had nothing to do with sex…my virginity was me, my mind, my free spirit, my determination to rise above where people keep putting me, and the favor that was placed over me even though I was entangled in a generational curse. He tried, but I walked out of his house and his presence with the hymen of my integrity and the mission over my life in tack.

        Today, he lives in Baltimore. He’s never been prosecuted, never been made to suffer for what he put me and others through. One day, and maybe soon… I will walk to where they say that he works and tell him that he couldn’t break me. He couldn’t make me feel less than a princess even though my father wasnt a king.

        This is a part of what I went through, but it is NOT who I am. It helped me make decisions about not showing my body to just any guy. You’ll never hear tales of me sleeping with different guys all in the name of love without being in love. You’ll never see pics of me plastered on the internet that show more of my assets than I am showing I am worth. And you will never hear that I’ve stopped breaking the silence. I was molested but I was never a victim. My virginity never has to be born again because it never died. I found strength through this. Dont get me wrong, I’d never go back a second time…. but I made it out, and THAT is something to be proud of. Where I came from does NOT determine where I will go.

       So, to anyone who has been through similar stories….today is not too late to realize that they had the problem and not you. We are of a sisterhood that many will never understand. I salute you and all of your wonderful glory. I stopped holding my father accountable for what he did to me and the effects it had on my life the day I last saw him….that is not my battle. It weighs you down, trust me. I try to find love as much as often in my daily activities…..today.. I love you. One day you will gain the strength to no longer be ashamed of your story…until then I will speak for you, I dont mind. What are sisters for, right?

        My prayer is that, just this once ,you listen to my father: What happened in your house, stays in your house…..including the pain and the shame. We’ve got other little girls to protect. No time for living in the past. Here, take my hand…..I’m with you as we walk out of our molester’s house. God bless!

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

His House

This is the house where majority of it happened. On Pinebrook Dr in Montgomery,AL

….She’s Skinny…Standing Next to Your Mama!

In So-Shall Experience on 7 September 2010 at 12:33 pm

NOTICE: If you read this.. LEAVE A NOTE DANGIT!!! W/ your rude behind!

 Yes….another blog entry about weight… get over it.

        So, one of my personal assistants, Andrew, and I have had long and drawn out text messages over the issue of weight. I hate to admit it…. but he brings forth some very good points….at very few times (lol). Yet, on some of his other points I need to know why he thinks that way because its hard for me to see a guy with amazing abs and body (did I mention his eyes?) hold a legit, equally balanced, and unbiased conversation about a person’s plight for being overweight. lol. [Wait, I hope that doesn’t constitute as sexual harassment since he is technically my employee…lol. Oh, hell, he’ll get over it. lol. ]Maybe that is a bias that I need to change within myself; the fact that you don’t have to be overweight to know where we’re coming from. Well, long story longer than the shorter version but shorter than the longest version….in response to my blog  “Yes, I’m Fat… Thanks for Noticing” he made a good point that reminded me of an idea that I’ve had for years; Why are plus size people looked at as weak? Shouldnt we be viewed as the stronger persons in society for walking daily with our issues on our shoulders? Shouldnt we be the sought after ones for surviving through all of the ridicule?

If you havent read the other blog entry… CLICK HERE and read it to catch up, you slacker.

 

        In the aforementioned blog I made the mention of how other people can hide their weaknesses and personal habits but that plus size people wear their issues on the exterior. We may eat in secret, or swallow pain and resentment covered in mango curry sauce…but everyone can still visually see our issues. Shouldnt the outward appearance of our issues be enough to say, “Here I am world. You know my problems now what are yours?” It would be like Intervention’s version of “You show me yours & I’ll show you mine.” Fear Factor for the dysfunctionally senile in denial! Those who are willing to walk to the closet of their issues and drape them with a beautiful umpire waisted belt and walk into the world the very same way that we do every day. See, walking to the closet every day , for the plus size woman who has accepted her plight and is not in denial, is more like preparing for a final exam or your thesis statement (just got another blog idea). What will this outfit say about me as it wraps itself around my already pronounced issues? I mean, there are tons of things that go through our mind as we get dressed, but in the end we walk out of the house with our heads raised high….some of us… and we face the world.

        How ironic is it that the world would make the people who carry the most weight the physically weakest? Shouldnt my carrying these extra 70 pounds make me stronger? Well, yes, technically it does…just not in the same physical manner as the gym buffs without necks. We become emotionally stronger and self-sufficient in our lives. Many of us have the very things wrapped up in our post-Christmas dinner wrappings that several other people look for but aren’t willing to unwrap.

        Picture this: (And this is not Skinny Chick Bashing but this is blunt Anti-Skinny Chick…lol.. I use to be one, so I can speak on it) A guy sees a fine, thin woman from across the room. He loves the way her curves appear, her assets are ripe for the picking and her womb is playing peek-a-boo behind a nicely Golds Gym ripped set of abs. This is what he loves. Now, as soon as she gets a little thicker, the birthing hips have now given birth to stretch marks and indent lines from the too tight panties she has suction cupped to her butt in hopes that this physical change will soon go away, he (not all but some) will no longer find her attractive. Phrases like, “Baby you’ve changed”, “You’re not the same woman I met” or “You’ve let yourself go” find their way into their relationship.  Was he there for the woman’s personality or was he there for her looks? Because a woman will stay there when she is in love and watch his waist grown and learn to love that there is more of him.

        Picture this #2: You have the hoodrat with the big booty, 2.5 kids or 5 abortions deep…which ever will make this more disgusting for you, living at home with her mama striving to be a model who SOMEHOW manages to get the business man who one would THINK had enough common sense to know that he needs a woman who is more on his level. Standing from my previous skinny chick position, even I would say that he was in it for the booty and he’d never marry her in his right mind. Some would say why would any woman want him in the first place? It is not necessarily that we would want him… we want his eyes to be opened to what he could have and is missing out on all for the love of booty. (Sounds like another VH1 Reality Show, right?) You have beautiful plus size women who would make sure that the home was taken care of, the man was head of household, a companion in both business and personal decisions who are intelligent beyond their years being passed up on a daily basis just because a guy can’t see himself with a full-figured woman. He is passing up the very qualities that a man is supposed to findth in a wife….not wifey…but a wife. See, something is not right with either of these pictures….. these scenarios are in need of a new photographer.

        I say this, fellas…. in a plus size woman, if you look at the qualities that she has: is she intelligent, is she mentally stable, she doesn’t have 7 different baby daddies, does she have goals in life, etc…then you will begin to see what we see. Instead of worrying what your size 4 girlfriend is going to look like in 7 years…you’ll already know what we look like when we gain weight…lol. The surprise will be what will we look like should we ever decide to lose the weight for ourselves, but the surprise will never be that you have possibly gained a beautiful woman who is created from your dreams and crafted to suit your needs as she conquers her own world as well.

        I understand that everyone has a preference that they are entitled to pursue, if you truly arent attracted, then you are exempt. I’m here to speak to the brothers that creep behind closed doors with the plus size sisters but wont take her out in public for one reason or another (all of the reasons may not be weight….but I see y’all taking the crazy as hell skinny chicks out in public while she shows out). You like who you like, and you don’t like who you don’t like, but I want guys to stop treating plus size women like the white girlfriend cooking bacon for a black muslim; a taboo. We exists, we are sexy, and we go through a lot just to fight to be treated less than equal. We run businesses, we dress to the nines, and we love life just like any other person because we are human as well……we just want to be treated as humans. We can put it on our husbands, whip up a meal and push out some gorgeous children too…all while being the true trophy on your arm. People will see our size, but they will also see the courage that it took for you to tell them all  to fall face forward with their mouth opened wide on to the lap of the status quo and commence to Super Heading.

Super Heading- (verb) created by 2Deep on Sept 7th. Intended to suggest the actions perfected by Karrin Stefans aka Super Head. Filacio.

        Fellas, can you imagine being a trendsetter?! Joining the brotherhood of the thousands of men who stopped being so friggin self-centered and shallow and finally found a woman who would have his back… who also happened to be plus size? Every size woman has her issues….but you’ll never know until you try. Stop asking if there are any real good women out there if you are only looking at 12 percent of the female population, whether it be size, skin tone, creed, or length of weave. There are some very attractive women out there who could be exactly what you are looking for…..the problem is that you’re not looking in her direction. She wears majority of her issues on her exterior…so if for no other reason to date her…. you know what you are getting into. You know that she managed to walk through the day exposed and may need a hug from you. But deep down she is still strong, not a victim, and not to be judged…she is human. At least treat her as such, and if all you see is a plus size woman who is unattractive,lazy, and not worth your time because she’s let herself go…think this….”at least she’s skinny standing next to your mama!” LMBO!!! (Thanks KaNikki!)

Sincerely,

Mother’s Daughter

Yes, I’m Fat….Thanks for Noticing

In So-Shall Experience on 5 September 2010 at 1:09 pm

There's no hope for me if THIS is considered too fat!

 

AN UNCENSORED WARNING: If you are about to read this..please leave a comment below so I know what you think so I can know what writing works and what doesnt. It simply irks the $#!+ out of me for me to write all this, people read and not respond. Actually, its rude as hell. Now….enjoy.     

My night ended and my day began with the discussion of being the plus size friend. Something that is a bit of a taboo conversation, and depending on what region of the world you’re in,it also has a different source of relevancy. Well, being plus size in the Nation’s capital is like being the lone colored person at the taping of Birth of a Nation; you may have the privilege of being there, but trust me when I tell you that you are nothing more than a prop or hired help. Even yesterday my friends and I had conversations of whether or not I was this guy’s “type”. I explained to them that seldom am I ever anyone’s type. One goes on to tell me that I have to stop thinking that way because it could read on me. I swiftly told her that I never think poorly of myself and that I am the business every time I step my foot on this green earth, but common sense can tell you when a person just isn’t that into you; you recognize that and you keep it moving. Only desperate people stay around when they’re not wanted. Thankfully, I am not that type of woman because knowing when you are not wanted can save you the blunt force of rejection that gets thrusted in your face or stabbed in your back by either a casual flirt or a love interests who subtly or boldly lets you know that its your weight that makes you unattractive.    

Despite any amount of confidence one may have leaving the house, not even your understanding of placing the whole armor of God on could shield you from the source of hate and disgust that could be issued in your direction upon stepping foot off of your personal property. The amount of separation that the world places on plus size people would never equate to the battle of homosexuals or the holocaust, but it does resemble that of the Civil Rights era. Actually, it could be just a tad bit worse because the bigots dont out right express their hatred for you. Brand name stores like LVLX, RAVE, and Vera Wang are encrypted signs that say No Fats allowed, Fit Persons Only. You should check the seat of the sales person’s size 2 panties as she is about to drop a load on herself when a plus size woman enters one of these stores. She tries to both monitor the items that the plus size person has in their arm and remember the politically correct phrasing for reminding the plus size person that their big ass has no home within the walls of this anti-obese clothing facility. Inside, the plus size person wants to scream, “Trick, can I please shop your jewelry in peace?” or “May I please purchase this size zero for a family member or friend without you preparing a eulogy for the zipper without my having even asked for the location of the dressing rooms?” No matter where we go, we are just assumed to be one way rather than being taken on an individual basis.      

I carry the  struggle of weight just like the next plus size person, but I am my own person. I can get up and run a mile without complaining….but who does that for fun? lol. I can teach dance classes for hours without even noticing that this is in fact considered exercise, or walk the mall for hours carrying bags and never once request to sit down from body aches. I am NOT by any stretch of the imagination the most athletic person you will ever meet, but I am also not the laziest. If you were to follow me on any given day you would imagine how a person could move around so much and be my size, just to come to the conclusion of confusion when I tell you that I am both safe and harmed behind the walls of my fat rolls. Here I know that not many people will look my way when standing beside my rather modelesque or regular/average sized friends, but I am also safe from the people who would still overlook my mind and what I have to offer just because they are attracted to my outer presence. So, I don’t know the next person’s battle, but mine is to never be seen as just another ass for another deceptive guy to place on his conquer list. My fat has become my defense mechanism….but here I sit watching the world that I was once a part of wanting to belong to it once more …..just without the risks.      

So, to all the plus size girls out there….I know what it feels like to fall in love with a guy and to be hidden and confined to after dark visits, never introduced to friends or family and treated differently than when you first met. I know what it feels like for people to swiftly push-off your concerns about how the world treats you by telling you that “if its your weight that you feel is the problem, then why not just lose the weight.” I know what it feels like to walk into a club with other plus size friends and hear a guy yell “Damn, there must be a buffet in the back with all of these big bitches coming up in here” or the guy sporting a shirt with the silhouette of a grotesque replica of a plus size girl surrounded by burgers and fries and other carb induced items adorned with the Ghostbusters “No” sign that reads “I don’t do Big Bitches”. Or to be walking with your friends, dressed in your best from head to toe, feeling confident in your decision as you have not fallen into the BGID [Big Girls in Denial] syndrome,you’re properly & proportionately covered and looking dazzling…just to have a guy walk up to you and say “If that’s your best, I don’t want to see your worse” . He then gives his cronies dap and other male bonding gestures that now makes him a man for trying to defeat an innocent woman just because she wasnt aesthetically pleasing to him. Also,I know what it feels like to be out dancing with your friends as a guy walks over to dance with one of the thinner divas, takes her purse and shoes that she was holding in her hand and hands them to you after saying “Here, you can hold this since no one is going to dance with you anyway.” Or to go to a Howard University homecoming and have a guy videotape and joke on another plus size friend that you came with as you jump in the line of the camera’s shot to block and protect your innocent friend from becoming the target of an internet joke fest…just to have her turn on you and say that you don’t understand because you’re smaller than her and not really plus size. What about reading a tweet that says “….. if you let yourself go, dont expect me to hold on.”? And I also know what it feels like to playfully flirt with a friend and watch him turn to every OTHER friend you’re with while your back is turned and attempt to flirt with them, or to sit in the backseat of a car and have that same guy think that you are either stupid enough or blind enough for the dark of night to mask his holding hands with a friend that you just introduced him to as she sits quietly in the front seat with his hand rested on her knee/thigh. I know what it feels like to sit back after all of this has happened and wonder if being thinner would make you visible again or wonder what could be so wrong with you that people don’t properly take your emotions into consideration.      

What I have found after all of this soul-searching is that….. it is not me. Also, it is not my friends’ fault for being who they are. Yet, after all of that you try to compartmentalize the pain that comes with being you…with being a citizen in the land of More of You To Love…just to conclude that there is nothing you can do. I love myself just the way I am and it is wrong of me to let other’s actions in the presence of who I am make me feel as if I am inadequate, or that I am any less of the beautifully God crafted woman who I was intended to be. I deserve respect, I deserve love, and although all of that evades me now…..one day it will come when it is supposed to and I don’t think that me being a smaller size should have anything to do with that match made in heaven occurring for me. In the meantime, I just have to laugh at the many people who overlook the joy that is within me, the intelligence that i house, and the romantic gestures that I wish to one day share with my husband….in a way my size is allowing shallow people to pass me by and in the present mind frame I’m okay with that. My message to the bigots is that I will not try to change you, if you promise not to try to change me. So, with that…I will continue to analyze why these negative comments and actions issued in my direction as if I am not human, not attractive, not capable of understanding that I am being dissed…hurt as much as they do. Why do these comments keep me from socializing on a personal level, reaching outside of my comfort zone and grabbing life by the balls and saying , “Fuck You! Now pass me the plate”.  I guess it’s too much to try to process all at once, to dissect and understand so I compartmentalize, and when asked why I am so upset I respond with….I’m just too fat for words.      

One day, the world will come to learn that being plus sized is genetics, a taught/learned behavior, a medical disease [a disorder or thyroid], and a process that one jokes on only makes the matter worse. This just happens to be a personal battle that we wear on our sleeves, stomachs, and thighs so many feel they can attack it, ignore it, disrespect it, and judge it. I’d love to see the day when alcoholics, liars, sex addicts, adulteress, and thieves [etc.] could wear their habits on their sleeves, able to be viewed by the rest of the world. Until then, I am a brave soul to know that I hold my head up ever day I walk into the world, fat and all, as the world can see my habits and continue to not make an excuse for who I am. I tell the rest of the world that if you are so above me….why do you hide your habits? Why do you throw up behind closed doors, hold hands in the dark, drink while others aren’t looking or sex with someone you just met in hopes that they will say I love you back and mean it? Yes, I’m  fat….thanks for noticing. Now…what else can you see?      

~Sincerely,      

My Mother’s Daughter

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