Posts Tagged ‘tradition’

A “Loc” on Intimacy

In Cupid & Other Myths on 4 January 2011 at 10:51 am


         “I WISH A NEGRO WOULD TOUCH MY HAIR AFTER I GOT IT DONE! “ is heard being yelled from a gaggle of African-American females at a brunch. “He better go get a white girl for that” is the follow-up by the freshly done, mohawked co-signer giving cliché snaps and hi-fives in my imaginary scenario. Yet, imaginary or not….at least ONE African-American sister reading this nodded her head in agreement at the reality of such statements before reaching the sentence about it being a made up scenario. We live here. Somewhere between I Wish A Nigga Would Blvd and Madame CJ Walker Ave where it has become okay for our crown and glory to remain nothing more than a show piece head-dress to be paraded in front of our kings like an artifact in a museum; on display but not to be touched. How’d we get here?

        Did we get to this point from the hours upon hours of sitting next to the stove in the kitchen smelling dinner cook as your mom threatened to burn your neck if you didn’t lean your head all the way to the side as Blue Magic sizzled in your ear? Or was it the reoccurring echo of your mother yelling, “Dont let anyone play in your hair while you are at school” that has somehow follow you into adulthood, long after the threat of lice were gone?  Or was it the old wives tales that your hair carries energy and not just anyone should be playing in your hair like it is recess? Whatever the case may be, if your man is good enough to play all up and through your candy land….why can’t he play in your naps? It sounds so silly once I put it that way doesn’t it? You can sleep with me, but don’t touch my hair. I mean, if we told inner city girls that they needed to care for their bush as much as they do their…well..bush, we may have more virgins in the world and cut down on the world population. Why can a man have sex with us… but can’t touch our hair? Strange…..very , very , strange.

        Knowing the Black woman better than she knows herself ( yes, I’m black), I know for a fact that no matter how liberal she may think that she is… she would rather vote Palin in office with Bush as her VP and McCain as Secretary of Defense before she would ever want to see a Black man with a White woman. It is fact. Even the liberal ones cringe at first sight, evaluate a flaw in her, compare it to the flaw in him and then become okay with it. It’s because we wonder…..what in the hell does she have to make him cross melanin lines and date outside of the cotton field. It is not racial. It is a direct example of confusion between Black males and females personified and in the flesh and we are left to face it.  When not in “mixed company” we share derogatory statements like nigger jokes at a country club amongst ourselves about how the White woman will do the stuff that we wont do , never seeing it as a negative for us but rather a negative for her. This isn’t intended to be racial as it is informative. Its Lisa Lamponelli , Carlos Mencia, Paul Mooney and Richard Prior on stage being copy/pasted into the privacy of our own homes. They say what we think…and even reveal what we have yet to understand.

        I’m not a freak by any stretch of the imagination, but I often wonder what do people get out of the whole “pull my hair” segment of sex, I mean who does that? If this were a question on Jeopardy the answer would be “What is Shit that White people do?”. I’m tender headed. I don’t like to comb my hair when I HAVE to yet alone allow a guy to grip and cause alopecia traction baldness in a heat of passion. So what do people get out of that? I am soooooo serious when I ask this question. Outside of kinky violence, I can’t see much else being received from it. Or can I?… Nope, I can’t. But I do have a serious question to ask, a few actually.

        Black ladies…..do you think that we lose a huge portion of our intimacy with our Black men because we often refuse to let them touch our hair? I mean… think about it. To a guy, touching your hair is a subtle way of him sending you a signal that he is feeling you. Swimming or sexual encounters in bodies of water or the shower is on the top of many men’s fantasy lists; seen Baywatch Lately? Men go crazy as a woman does a slow walk out of the water and pushes her hair out of her face. The slow hair blow as a woman gets out of the car was designed by a man, for a man as a way to seduce him via Yaky 1b natural. Yet, ladies…. most of us do not partake in any of these activities. I don’t care if a woman is natural or creamy cracked out…. several will not let her man touch her hair. WE have built up this impermeable wall of Pink Oil Moisturizer and Jam that most black men have learned before they were able to pee directly into the bowl that they do not touch a black woman’s hair. We have unconsciously trained our future kings that they can touch everything on his future queen’s body but her crown. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?

       I mentioned this to my big brother on Sunday, and I promise you that if he had wings he would have jumped off the sofa in agreement and flown away. For a moment it looked as if he had caught the Holy Ghost, but it was just frustration releasing. He wasnt even paying attention to my side conversation with his wife…. but I ‘ll be damned if he wasnt fully listening now! lol. I wish I had recorded it just so that women could see the amount of energy and excitement he expressed to finally have a black women expressing his same sentiments. He said, “I would even go as far as to say that THIS (not touching a black woman’s hair) is why SOME black men date outside of the race.” There you have it… straight from the horse’s mouth! Ladies, here you have a black man telling you that he could understand why a black man would date outside of his race….just to feel someone’s hair/scalp… than to stick around and not be able to express his silent form of affection to you. I’ve even posted this question on Twitter and got blocked from tweeting because I ran out of my daily allotted tweets by responding to the sea of guys who said that they wished they could touch their girl’s hair/head. I posted it again today and will see what happens.

        So in closing, Black women… we’ve got to do better when it comes to allowing our kings to touch our hair. Maybe let him touch it for the few days leading up to a retouch, or right after you get it washed. Maybe this is the connection that we need to re-establish in order to allow intimacy to flow from a natural place, unrestricted by social taboos and norms. Maybe, and just maybe this will cause Mr. Lynch to shake in his grave if we can get one woman to allow her man to run his fingers through her hair. Would it hurt us to share this portion of ourselves? Would it kill us to open of a gateway to intimacy that hasn’t been there since the invention of a hot comb? Can we learn that there are things far more important than our hair? I hope so……your relationship is counting on it. And I am not asking you to let everyone touch your hair… just your man. SO yes, if the complete stranger (white woman) standing behind you at the Reagan National Airport decides amongst her friends that you have beautiful hair and decides to reach out and run her fingers through your hair…..(This happened to me)…..just breathe before you commit a felony. Everyone is not as restrictive as we are about our hair….and this is the day that you may need to examine why. It is my suggestion that we ask ourselves if this is the cause of why black love has a “loc” on intimacy.


~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

If He Likes It, WHICH Ring Should He Put On It?

In Relationships on 14 October 2010 at 10:59 am


        For an entire YEAR, Beyoncé had the world over, women, kids, gays, lesbians, little people, tall people, ugly people, and I think a chimpanzee in Milan screaming from the mountain tops that “If he likes it then he needs to put a ring on it.” Needless to say, even SHE wasnt screaming that nonsense until AFTER Jay put a ring on it. Before that it was Independent Woman this & Let Me Cater to You that. It’s a set up ladies. lol The premise behind him wanting to put a ring on it and what you must do to get there are two totally different things.  I know that for a fact. Just like I know for a FACT that this blog entry is going to stir up a ton of backlash from my female readers….but so what. Maybe then you will see things from your man’s side and may actually be grateful for the stress and strain…and balls to the wall courage it took for him to finally propose.

        My philosophy on the engagement ring is sooooooooo far different from any female that you will ever hear in your life. It is my personal belief that when a man proposes he should propose with the simple band (no jewels) as a promise and symbol of a pending marriage. Upon completion of their vows, then and only then, should they exchange the heavily awaited diamond encrusted jewel piece. Why do I think this way, you ask? Simple:

1. I’m a logical human being, and in being so I think that even the song is stupid. You mean to tell me that if   he LIKES it he will put a diamond ring on it, but if he LOVES it all I get is a simple band? Stupid, right? It’s as if you put more em-PHA-sis on the engagement than you did on the marriage ceremony with the current set-up of the rings. No wonder why marriages are jacked up.

2. Since guys don’t know what they really want and/or need out of a woman that he may one day marry….there is a chance that he will buy a minimum of two (2) engagement rings between the ages of 19 and 35. This also creates drama on whether or not a man should get the ring back should the relationship not work out. But if it was a simple band we wouldn’t have this problem.

3. I am rather a narcissist, and it is my belief that I would be okay with him giving away 5 simple bands to women before me who he thought were the one, but then I would be the only one who made it to the altar to receive the ultimate prize of the diamond ring. As his new bride, I would love him for not wasting money on 5 different women purchasing 5 different diamonds ( BECAUSE YOU DONT RECYCLE A FAILED ENGAGEMENT RING)!

4. This will cut down on the woman working just for the ring and then changing once she has it. I am a strong believer that you should only buy gifts over $1 Thousand for a fiancée and over $2 Thousand for your spouse….everyone else has yet to earn that kind of spending. That is why these gold diggers want the rings to be so huge and then find out you don’t actually live like that.


        All of my reasons are rather selfish, really. I guess that I am not the type of girl who wears a lot of jewelry to begin with, so WHICH ring he proposes with wouldn’t really bother me, because it is more so (at least to me) about the fact that he had enough love for me to be courageous enough to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. I know that scares the daylights out of a guy….so why add the stress of the engagement ring? Shouldnt the diamond be a surprise at the altar of what he thought to get for his new wife? Shouldnt the most expensive jewel only be given to the wife? Because if you put things into perspective….you will always be the other woman, an informal side piece, in comparison to his future wife. You do not deserve the jewel unless you both have said “I DO”.

        Trust me, I know I am causing a frenzy at Tiffany’s, Jared’s & Kay’s right now. And yes, I’ve heard it all. While at a gathering yesterday one of my guy friends called his mother while the entire table of women and men ( about 12 of us) were in the midst of this conversation. I think his mother replied with how “she would’ve already had her engagement ring chosen”. lol. Another friend at the table said that there “use to be a time when you could walk into a particular jewelry store, tell her name, and they could point out which ring she had wanted for herself.” So as not to be outdone, I called my mother all the way in Minnesota and put her on the phone. And true to form….she said that I was correct! lol.  I mentioned to my mother how at another gathering of the same caliber a female friend told me that she disagreed because “the diamond engagement ring was her dowry”.  My mother commented and said, “No, a dowry is traditionally given at the marriage ceremony to seal the contract of marriage.” Side bar: I love My Mom!!! So, I went to research.

        Dictionary.com says that a dowry is “a noun, also, dower, the money, goods, or estate that a wife brings to her husband at marriage.” Key word ladies… a WOMAN brings the dowry to the man, not a man to a woman. (Two for me, none for the others.) The initial purpose of the dowry was to help set up the bride in her new marriage so that she would not be a burden to her new husband, as well as compensate the husband for going out of his way to marry. It was more of a business deal than a love match. So, would you really want to still carry on the traditions of a business deal, or would you like to set a tradition that is met on love where when you get a diamond ring, or IF you even get a diamond ring shouldnt really matter? Because if I were a dude, I would be pretty skeptical of a woman who wouldn’t marry me because I gave her a band instead of a diamond. That would flag what kind of woman you are right then and there.

        Now, I am not judging anyone, but the actions that women extend and the pressures that they put on a man are ridiculous! I think that the victory is won at the finish line and not mid race. So I am quite okay with waiting until we get to the altar to say I Do before God to receive my ring. But again….this is just my opinion. ANd even though all of the guys that I say this to agree, even the security guards in my office building, I doubt that many women other than my mother will agree with me on this. But it is another way of looking at it. DO you want to be just another female who he gives a diamond ring to, or do you want to be the ONLY woman that he gives a diamond ring to? I choose to be the only one. But again, I did preface this entry by saying that I am far different from others. Yet, when the time comes for him to propose, I would honestly like to forgo the diamond ring for a band and his promise to one day be my husband, just to get to the altar on my wedding day and have him surprise me with a diamond wedding ring. Now THAT is a fairy tale to me.

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~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

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