Have you ever told yourself that you would never like another person? You’ve loved for the very last time, and every time you make that vow you swear to stick to it. Well, I am sitting here on my couch rather confused by a vow that I made to myself years ago. This vow of guarding my heart because “no one else will” seemed like a pretty good idea at the time, and sometimes in moments of pain I choose to revert back to it. But how healthy can this be for me?
Let’s see, there’s an Art of War, an Art of Seduction, and but why is there not an Art of Vulnerability. Vulnerability, once seen as a weakness, the scariest places for billions of people around the world, and yet the very gateway to get to what it is that we need. I recently told myself that I would open myself up to love, to be vulnerable. Even my horoscope agrees. It said to me, a Sagittarius, that I would need to talk to a stranger because it could very well lead to something and to have fun. Sounded like good advice, at the time. But today, as mentioned before, here I sit on my couch confused. The cause of this confusion….a guy. And I could conquer this confusion if I had the tools. I know that there is an art to Vulnerability that I have yet to master because these bitches wont write a self-help book to show me how.
I dont know what it feels like to be on this side of vulnerability. I know what it feels like to block advances, to tell a guy where to shove it because I dont hear the game that he is trying to spit in my ear, or wanting to hear from a person who has now made it on to your emotional radar. Especially the person that “appears” to want you on their radar too. I’ve read the books, and his signs are telling me that he IS just that into me. But my fears are telling me that he JUST may be playing me. But how is that being vulnerable? How is listening to my fears, borderline intuition, not a smart thing to do when exploring something new? I dont even think I am making sense as I write this…again, I’m confused.
I’m confused because a change in his pattern occurred, and for 24 hours not a word!!!!! Usually, I could care less, but he was supposed to meet me yesterday. And unless there was a murder, an arrest or a death, I have not received a text or a smoke signal to tell me to be calm and to not fly off the deep end with my imagination. THIS is where you go…girl, he’s no longer THAT in to you, right? Because if he wanted to talk with you… he would call. My original thought was to not call or text. Then my friend told me just to call one last time to make sure an accident didnt occur. So I did. Reluctant to do so because I am ALWAYS the one to figure out where people are. WHy me?
I could go on….but I am just going to sit here on the couch and continue thinking. What have I learned about being vulnerable? I have learned that even though the premise may have been a lie, I enjoyed what it felt like to be in the moment. AGain, I could be over acting and he could be dangling from the edge of a cliff in a car on fire…..I dont know. But I also know that I finally told people about a guy that I liked and I may have to take it back. I may have to take back all of the good things I’ve said and I dont like being embarrassed and open to people judging me. (Then why the hell am I writing this blog?) But I had to share this moment, in the thick of it. I wanted people to know that I was capable of being loved and here I am sitting not knowing where the other half of this equation is and I feel rather foolish. But…it is what it is. THIS is why I keep things to myself, I like suffering in solitude. *SCREAMS!* Okay… let me workout and use this energy differently. Thanks for reading, and NOT writing a comment below…. that ALWAYS makes me feel better about myself too.
Sincerely,
~*My Mother’s Daughter*~
~*2Deep*~ Uncensored! 