Bitter bitches around the world could be heard slamming keypads to a point of no return as they Googled, Rhapsody searched, and iTunes bought Marsha Ambrosius’ ” I Hope She Cheats on You” from her album Late Nights and Early Mornings. Beyoncé’s “Put a Ring On It” deemed archaic…. I mean who wants that motherfucker now? NOT I!!! No, this song became the 2010 anthem as women purchased court side seats for their men as they pointed out just how nice Dwayne Wade’s ass looks in the middle of a lay-up. Comments of “I wonder if LeBron can take it to the hole for real” taunt him during half time. Yes, bitches!!! THIS IS WHY WE WATCH BASKETBALL!!!! Sports Center will never be the same. *Duh-nuh-nuh, Duh-nuh-nuh! lmao!
I can see it now, Half-Time show brought to you by Bitter Bitches of America and sponsored by Midol. Performance by Marsha Ambrosius. All you hear are the snaps to the intro and out come these hooded figures snapping into formation, reminiscent of the Egyptian dancers in MJ’s Remember the Time. No one’s face is seen but Marsha as the formation is made behind her as she stands center court under a sole spotlight. All you can hear through the arena is:
Verse 1: Ew whew ew whew oh oh I hope she cheat on you wit’ a basketball playa. Hope that she Kim Kardashian’ed her way up. Don’t know the difference ‘tween a touchdown and a layup. Got you on Viagra in order for you to stay up.
Pre-chorus: I may sound bitter, I’m a little bitter, just a little bitter because you were wit’ her. I’m Salt Lake City, now I’m up on out the picture. Remember how it was when I was wit’ cha baby? [Cues for mysterious dancers to drop their hoods]
Sex so good, do you remember oh baby? Sex so good do you remember oh?
CROWD GOES WILD!!!! Hoods are flipped back and Shaunie O’Neal can be seen leading Royce’s choreography! Yes, that’s right people…the entire cast of Basketball Jump-offs, I mean Wives, are center court, booty popping to their new ceremonial anthem! Being careful not to slip on their own tears, glass of water, wine or beverage of choice that has been thrown Evelyn-syle as a symbolic statement of I HATE YOU BITCH, TRY ME. They are in perfect harmony as the chorus breaks out amongst the arena speakers.
Chorus: Well look at how it all turned out now. I hope she cheat on you with a basketball playa. Look at how it all turned out now. I hope you feeling lonely baby now we’re not together. Look at how it all turned out now. I hope she cheat on you with a basketball playa. Look at how it all turned out now. Ew now that I’m without cha.
Aw shit! Just when you couldn’t get enough of Gloria’s “That’s What’s Up” wrist twists and Jennifer’s forehead…not to be outdone, on runs the cast of The Game to show these bitches how it is really done! Go Tasha! It’s ya Birthday! Call Pookie! Go Pow, Pow! Go Janay, It’s Ya baby’s Daddy! Work It Med School! Work it! Work it! Get Low Kelly, like your bank funds! lmao Yes, Jazz choreographed this portion of the great display of bitter bitches! DO THE TSUNAMI!!!!
Verse 2: I hope she cheat on you wit an NFL baller. She ignores you every single time you call her. Brand new Louis, gotta have it spend your money on her. When you wanna hit it she actin’ like she don’t wanna.
Pre-chorus: I may sound bitter, I’m a little bitter, just a little bitter because you were wit’ her. I’m Salt Lake City, now I’m up on out the picture. Remember how it was when I was wit’ cha baby? Sex so good, do you remember oh baby? Sex so good do you remember oh? (Baby)
Then they all join together as if Disney knew that this would be a musical. The cast from Glee! just itching in their seats to get up and join in a higher octave; judgment spewing from their eyes as if to say “Sit down , bitches, and let the professionals do it.” But it has already continued without them. This is Annette Funicello meets Lena Horne in Baldwin Hills directed by Tyler Perry. It is classic SNL Tom foolery in the key of broken-hearted! ENTERTAINMENT PEOPLE!!!! And a 5, 6, 7, 8,…..
Chorus: Well look at how it all turned out now. I hope she cheat on you with a basketball playa.
Look at how it all turned out now. Hope you feeling lonely baby now we’re not together. Look at how it all turned out now. I hope she cheat on you with a basketball playa. Look at how it all turned out now. Ew now that I’m without cha.
And true to Chorus Line form, they each take turns accenting a line from the hook as banners of who did them wrong are dropped from the arena ceiling along with Kim Kardashian’s pic just because the bitch made the song hot. And no one argues about her placement in the song because its true. And she could care less as long as the check clears! With a 1 and a 2 and…..
Hook: She cute and all, but that won’t last forever. What I had for you was so much better. Yeah the grass ain’t greener on the other side of town. Now look at how it all turned out now. I’m a little bitter, just a little bitter. But I’m doing better, ’cause we ain’t together. You sorry excuse for somebody I was into. Remember what it was when I was wit’ you?
Chorus: Look at how it all turned out now. I hope she cheat on you with a basketball playa. Look at how it all turned out now. Hope you feeling lonely baby now we’re not together. Look at how it all turned out now. I hope she cheat on you with a basketball playa. (so sad cheated on you wit’ a basketball playa) Look at how it all turned out now. Now that I’m without cha baby.
And for the closing finale, their children run out on the court doing the stanky leg while their divorce lawyers throw business cards into the crowd via the t-shirt shooter. They all start to do the dramatic , yet sexy slow walk with finger snaps off the court as Marsha ad libs. And just as they hit the exit, you can see Juanita Jordan giving high fives to the women as they head back to the dressing room where security can protect them from their exes……lmao. NeNe Leaks can be seen trying to get an interview from the sidelines.
Ad-libs: Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) heeeeyyyy yeah (x2) Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) saaaannnnggg yeah Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) Sing (I hope she cheat on you) I hope she cheat on you wit’ a basketball playa yeah. Hope you feelin’ lonely now we’re not together baby. Said I hope she cheat on you baby.
Yes….. this is how I envision it. This is how my head works. Dont judge me… you’re just mad because you didn’t think of it first! But serioiusly…. I am so glad that Marsha is back…and boy did she come back with a bang! You better believe that I am going to come back and review Far Away! This diva has us all wishing evil on our exes and his new girl…lol. But done so with a powerful voice that demands you pay attention and listen. Job well done, diva… I have NOTHING bad to say about this song.
A man’s arch nemesis has been and will ALWAYS be a woman’s intuition. I think it was apart of the deal when he snatched Adam’s rib. His rib contained 10% of Adam’s DNA which was a divine tracking device and lie detector. It lets the woman know when something isn’t right even when she can’t quite put a finger on it. I can’t describe it, but it is the oddest feeling in the entire world. She could just be sitting there when all of a sudden something tells her to call her man…..while on the other side of town he is getting his freak on with her best friend. Yes, it is like a face off between Batman and the Riddler. It is just this feeling…..
And as I thought about this topic… one of my favorite songs came to mind. Keri Hilson’s “Intuition”. Yes, this song just screams “I am woman, hear me roar. I know you did wrong, negro don’t play me. Now pack your shit and bounce.” hahahaha I don’t know if that was her intention when she wrote it, but that became my subtext when I heard it. I think it is all even, right? I mean… I know for a fact that EVERY woman pleading Intuition isn’t on the right path, but for the other 99.999999% of us who listen to our intuition for the right reasons, we are hardly ever wrong. A wise woman once told me that our intuition is God snitching on the universe. What an image, right…. but it works. So I go with my gut feelings majority of the time and I am right.
Now this song has a taste of both Indian and Asian instrumentation to it, and I think that would be a great place to start with my interpretation of the video.
I think that the video should start with Keri asleep in bed. As her man grabs the keys off the dresser and you see the door closing behind him.
“Intuition”
Whoa [3x]
Hey hey…
Keri pops up in bed and begins to look around. She leans over and looks out the window as she sees him backing out of the driveway.
[Chorus] I got this crazy feeling I’m gone be single again I know it, I can feel it I know you gone mess up
Keri gets out of bed and walks to throw on an Asian designer trench coat with a fidora, glances in the mirror by the front door, grabs her keys and hops in her car.
Wow, you really turn me on So I, I really hope I’m wrong [whoa] It would break my world If you ain’t true to me, yea But I’m not the silly girl I used to be And I Know how it goes yea
She comes to a light and sees his car outside of a massage parlor. Shot switches to her walking through the parlor looking for her guy. She catches him getting a massage in one of the rooms and she rubs her hands down his back. He pops up to look around but Keri is gone and in her car back home
[Pre-Chorus] Dude’s out here think they slick Got a lot of girls on they (dadadadada) And they can’t say no Steady telling me they ain’t you I’ma wait to see what you gone do Hope you know you got a good thing, yea
[Chorus] I got this crazy feeling I’m gone be single again I know it, I can feel it I know you gone mess up
I got this crazy feeling I’m gone be single again I know it, Its gone happen I know you gone mess up
Fast forward technique to push the story ahead a few hours. Scene stops at Keri fighting with a guy while she is wearing a kimono. The fight is brief and he walks out of the house. With Keri walking along the window of the house. Shot cuts to Keri walking along the glass window of an Asian restaurant with her “guy” sitting at a dinner table obviously waiting for someone for dinner. She is on her Inspector Black Chick trying to get a better view of him. The entire restaurant is filled with guys sitting at tables by themselves with an all female staff.
I, I love the way we fight so So, I hope this is all in my mind (hope it’s in my mind) Baby don’t you know It would break my world, if you ain’t true to me yea But I’m not the silly girl I used to be See I know how it goes
The servers in the restaurant and random staff members throughout the dining area join in for choreography. Some women are private detectives with cameras and notepads. The servers are performing choreography around the guy’s table that they are servicing, every guy but Keri’s. The servers collect glasses, and utensils CSI style and places them in an evidence bag, placed back on the serving tray and exit the dining area.
[Pre-Chorus] Dude’s out here think they slick Got a lot of girls on they (dadadadada) But they don’t say no Steady telling me they ain’t you I’ma wait to see what u gone do Hope you know you got a good thing cause I,
[Chorus] I got this crazy feeling I’m gone be single again I know it, I can feel it I know you gone mess up
I got this crazy feeling I’m gone be single again I know it, Its gone happen I know you gone mess up
Then you see everything go pitch black, when a spotlight pops up over one guy like an interrogation lamp. Keri walks up to the two-way window and her silhouette is seen dancing directly in front of her guy. Snippets of individual female detectives come into the light surrounding him.
Your gonna get too comfortable (you gone mess up) Gonna want something new babe (you gone mess up) Your gonna be just like the rest (you gone mess up) It’s gonna be you babe before me
They release him and he is free to leave. Keri is seen in a designer trench coat walking behind him out of the police station. He gets to his car and pulls off before her. She runs to her car and speeds off.
I trust my heart, broke down my guard I worked so hard to take good care of you
I trust my heart, broke down my guard I worked so hard, I hope it ain’t true
Keri begins to say this next part into her rear view mirror. She pulls up next to him, glances over, and then runs through a red light and he stops. She makes it home before him.
Look at me You wanna miss all this? Go ‘head Bring that back Whoa [3x]
As he reaches for the front door, Keri opens it in her Kimono and takes his hand to lead him upstairs.
It’s in my mind Whoa [3x] Hope its in my mind
There is a pan in shot of a photo in her bag of him sitting at the table in the restaurant by himself and then a figure of a woman fades into view in the chair across from him. She has on a fidora to cover her face and the video ends.
Yeh…I know. Wild and all over the place. But this has that Carmen San Diego feel about it. A woman detective going on a hunch. That inner voice telling her that something isn’t right. And though she may not have the proof… it’s there. So, that was my take on it…. did you like it?
Check back tomorrow when I ask my 200 Men about the 2 things they wish that women would stop doing. How does that tie into intuition? Well, we already know as women what we want guys to stop or start doing…so why not hear from them. Maybe these are the things that make them misbehave which in turn peaks our intuition. [Will insert Link here]
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Have you ever told yourself that you would never like another person? You’ve loved for the very last time, and every time you make that vow you swear to stick to it. Well, I am sitting here on my couch rather confused by a vow that I made to myself years ago. This vow of guarding my heart because “no one else will” seemed like a pretty good idea at the time, and sometimes in moments of pain I choose to revert back to it. But how healthy can this be for me?
Let’s see, there’s an Art of War, an Art of Seduction, and but why is there not an Art of Vulnerability. Vulnerability, once seen as a weakness, the scariest places for billions of people around the world, and yet the very gateway to get to what it is that we need. I recently told myself that I would open myself up to love, to be vulnerable. Even my horoscope agrees. It said to me, a Sagittarius, that I would need to talk to a stranger because it could very well lead to something and to have fun. Sounded like good advice, at the time. But today, as mentioned before, here I sit on my couch confused. The cause of this confusion….a guy. And I could conquer this confusion if I had the tools. I know that there is an art to Vulnerability that I have yet to master because these bitches wont write a self-help book to show me how.
I dont know what it feels like to be on this side of vulnerability. I know what it feels like to block advances, to tell a guy where to shove it because I dont hear the game that he is trying to spit in my ear, or wanting to hear from a person who has now made it on to your emotional radar. Especially the person that “appears” to want you on their radar too. I’ve read the books, and his signs are telling me that he IS just that into me. But my fears are telling me that he JUST may be playing me. But how is that being vulnerable? How is listening to my fears, borderline intuition, not a smart thing to do when exploring something new? I dont even think I am making sense as I write this…again, I’m confused.
I’m confused because a change in his pattern occurred, and for 24 hours not a word!!!!! Usually, I could care less, but he was supposed to meet me yesterday. And unless there was a murder, an arrest or a death, I have not received a text or a smoke signal to tell me to be calm and to not fly off the deep end with my imagination. THIS is where you go…girl, he’s no longer THAT in to you, right? Because if he wanted to talk with you… he would call. My original thought was to not call or text. Then my friend told me just to call one last time to make sure an accident didnt occur. So I did. Reluctant to do so because I am ALWAYS the one to figure out where people are. WHy me?
I could go on….but I am just going to sit here on the couch and continue thinking. What have I learned about being vulnerable? I have learned that even though the premise may have been a lie, I enjoyed what it felt like to be in the moment. AGain, I could be over acting and he could be dangling from the edge of a cliff in a car on fire…..I dont know. But I also know that I finally told people about a guy that I liked and I may have to take it back. I may have to take back all of the good things I’ve said and I dont like being embarrassed and open to people judging me. (Then why the hell am I writing this blog?) But I had to share this moment, in the thick of it. I wanted people to know that I was capable of being loved and here I am sitting not knowing where the other half of this equation is and I feel rather foolish. But…it is what it is. THIS is why I keep things to myself, I like suffering in solitude. *SCREAMS!* Okay… let me workout and use this energy differently. Thanks for reading, and NOT writing a comment below…. that ALWAYS makes me feel better about myself too.
There's no hope for me if THIS is considered too fat!
AN UNCENSORED WARNING:If you are about to read this..please leave a comment below so I know what you think so I can know what writing works and what doesnt. It simply irks the $#!+ out of me for me to write all this, people read and not respond. Actually, its rude as hell. Now….enjoy.
My night ended and my day began with the discussion of being the plus size friend. Something that is a bit of a taboo conversation, and depending on what region of the world you’re in,it also has a different source of relevancy. Well, being plus size in the Nation’s capital is like being the lone colored person at the taping of Birth of a Nation; you may have the privilege of being there, but trust me when I tell you that you are nothing more than a prop or hired help. Even yesterday my friends and I had conversations of whether or not I was this guy’s “type”. I explained to them that seldom am I ever anyone’s type. One goes on to tell me that I have to stop thinking that way because it could read on me. I swiftly told her that I never think poorly of myself and that I am the business every time I step my foot on this green earth, but common sense can tell you when a person just isn’t that into you; you recognize that and you keep it moving. Only desperate people stay around when they’re not wanted. Thankfully, I am not that type of woman because knowing when you are not wanted can save you the blunt force of rejection that gets thrusted in your face or stabbed in your back by either a casual flirt or a love interests who subtly or boldly lets you know that its your weight that makes you unattractive.
Despite any amount of confidence one may have leaving the house, not even your understanding of placing the whole armor of God on could shield you from the source of hate and disgust that could be issued in your direction upon stepping foot off of your personal property. The amount of separation that the world places on plus size people would never equate to the battle of homosexuals or the holocaust, but it does resemble that of the Civil Rights era. Actually, it could be just a tad bit worse because the bigots dont out right express their hatred for you. Brand name stores like LVLX, RAVE, and Vera Wang are encrypted signs that say No Fats allowed, Fit Persons Only. You should check the seat of the sales person’s size 2 panties as she is about to drop a load on herself when a plus size woman enters one of these stores. She tries to both monitor the items that the plus size person has in their arm and remember the politically correct phrasing for reminding the plus size person that their big ass has no home within the walls of this anti-obese clothing facility. Inside, the plus size person wants to scream, “Trick, can I please shop your jewelry in peace?” or “May I please purchase this size zero for a family member or friend without you preparing a eulogy for the zipper without my having even asked for the location of the dressing rooms?” No matter where we go, we are just assumed to be one way rather than being taken on an individual basis.
I carry the struggle of weight just like the next plus size person, but I am my own person. I can get up and run a mile without complaining….but who does that for fun? lol. I can teach dance classes for hours without even noticing that this is in fact considered exercise, or walk the mall for hours carrying bags and never once request to sit down from body aches. I am NOT by any stretch of the imagination the most athletic person you will ever meet, but I am also not the laziest. If you were to follow me on any given day you would imagine how a person could move around so much and be my size, just to come to the conclusion of confusion when I tell you that I am both safe and harmed behind the walls of my fat rolls. Here I know that not many people will look my way when standing beside my rather modelesque or regular/average sized friends, but I am also safe from the people who would still overlook my mind and what I have to offer just because they are attracted to my outer presence. So, I don’t know the next person’s battle, but mine is to never be seen as just another ass for another deceptive guy to place on his conquer list. My fat has become my defense mechanism….but here I sit watching the world that I was once a part of wanting to belong to it once more …..just without the risks.
So, to all the plus size girls out there….I know what it feels like to fall in love with a guy and to be hidden and confined to after dark visits, never introduced to friends or family and treated differently than when you first met. I know what it feels like for people to swiftly push-off your concerns about how the world treats you by telling you that “if its your weight that you feel is the problem, then why not just lose the weight.” I know what it feels like to walk into a club with other plus size friends and hear a guy yell “Damn, there must be a buffet in the back with all of these big bitches coming up in here” or the guy sporting a shirt with the silhouette of a grotesque replica of a plus size girl surrounded by burgers and fries and other carb induced items adorned with the Ghostbusters “No” sign that reads “I don’t do Big Bitches”. Or to be walking with your friends, dressed in your best from head to toe, feeling confident in your decision as you have not fallen into the BGID [Big Girls in Denial] syndrome,you’re properly & proportionately covered and looking dazzling…just to have a guy walk up to you and say “If that’s your best, I don’t want to see your worse” . He then gives his cronies dap and other male bonding gestures that now makes him a man for trying to defeat an innocent woman just because she wasnt aesthetically pleasing to him. Also,I know what it feels like to be out dancing with your friends as a guy walks over to dance with one of the thinner divas, takes her purse and shoes that she was holding in her hand and hands them to you after saying “Here, you can hold this since no one is going to dance with you anyway.” Or to go to a Howard University homecoming and have a guy videotape and joke on another plus size friend that you came with as you jump in the line of the camera’s shot to block and protect your innocent friend from becoming the target of an internet joke fest…just to have her turn on you and say that you don’t understand because you’re smaller than her and not really plus size. What about reading a tweet that says “….. if you let yourself go, dont expect me to hold on.”? And I also know what it feels like to playfully flirt with a friend and watch him turn to every OTHER friend you’re with while your back is turned and attempt to flirt with them, or to sit in the backseat of a car and have that same guy think that you are either stupid enough or blind enough for the dark of night to mask his holding hands with a friend that you just introduced him to as she sits quietly in the front seat with his hand rested on her knee/thigh. I know what it feels like to sit back after all of this has happened and wonder if being thinner would make you visible again or wonder what could be so wrong with you that people don’t properly take your emotions into consideration.
What I have found after all of this soul-searching is that….. it is not me. Also, it is not my friends’ fault for being who they are. Yet, after all of that you try to compartmentalize the pain that comes with being you…with being a citizen in the land of More of You To Love…just to conclude that there is nothing you can do. I love myself just the way I am and it is wrong of me to let other’s actions in the presence of who I am make me feel as if I am inadequate, or that I am any less of the beautifully God crafted woman who I was intended to be. I deserve respect, I deserve love, and although all of that evades me now…..one day it will come when it is supposed to and I don’t think that me being a smaller size should have anything to do with that match made in heaven occurring for me. In the meantime, I just have to laugh at the many people who overlook the joy that is within me, the intelligence that i house, and the romantic gestures that I wish to one day share with my husband….in a way my size is allowing shallow people to pass me by and in the present mind frame I’m okay with that. My message to the bigots is that I will not try to change you, if you promise not to try to change me. So, with that…I will continue to analyze why these negative comments and actions issued in my direction as if I am not human, not attractive, not capable of understanding that I am being dissed…hurt as much as they do. Why do these comments keep me from socializing on a personal level, reaching outside of my comfort zone and grabbing life by the balls and saying , “Fuck You! Now pass me the plate”. I guess it’s too much to try to process all at once, to dissect and understand so I compartmentalize, and when asked why I am so upset I respond with….I’m just too fat for words.
One day, the world will come to learn that being plus sized is genetics, a taught/learned behavior, a medical disease [a disorder or thyroid], and a process that one jokes on only makes the matter worse. This just happens to be a personal battle that we wear on our sleeves, stomachs, and thighs so many feel they can attack it, ignore it, disrespect it, and judge it. I’d love to see the day when alcoholics, liars, sex addicts, adulteress, and thieves [etc.] could wear their habits on their sleeves, able to be viewed by the rest of the world. Until then, I am a brave soul to know that I hold my head up ever day I walk into the world, fat and all, as the world can see my habits and continue to not make an excuse for who I am. I tell the rest of the world that if you are so above me….why do you hide your habits? Why do you throw up behind closed doors, hold hands in the dark, drink while others aren’t looking or sex with someone you just met in hopes that they will say I love you back and mean it? Yes, I’m fat….thanks for noticing. Now…what else can you see?
A man’s arch nemesis has been and will ALWAYS be a woman’s intuition. I think it was apart of the deal when he snatched Adam’s rib. His rib contained 10% of Adam’s DNA which was a divine tracking device and lie detector. It lets the woman know when something isn’t right even when she can’t quite put a finger on it. I can’t describe it, but it is the oddest feeling in the entire world. She could just be sitting there when all of a sudden something tells her to call her man…..while on the other side of town he is getting his freak on with her best friend. Yes, it is like a face off between Batman and the Riddler. It is just this feeling…..
~*2Deep*~ Uncensored! 