200 Men Said…Dueces Dos and Don’ts

        If you checked out my blog yesterday, Lyrically Speaking: Keri Hilson~Intuition [<~Click Here] Then you would already know what this blog is going to be about.  Women have the best intuition skills on the face of this earth, but sometimes your signal could be off and you could blame a man who is doing something based on your own fears and insecurities. This is a No, No.  There are things that women think they are good at, or things that should occur in a relationship….and those very things could be the thing that breaks up the relationship.

        For instance, do we as women listen as much as we like to complain that men don’t listen to us? I would have to say that women are the WORST listeners. Men damn near are forced into listening and women are unaccustomed to doing so. SO, I thought that I would lay somethings out in front of you in plain view.

        We often times wonder if things were our fault when it comes to a relationship ending. Did we do something wrong? What could we have done better? Etc. But then we get into our pride, listen to our bitter ass girlfriends and fail to accept our part in a relationship going wrong. Most of the issue is that we didn’t listen to our partner or the warning signs that something was not going the way that it should, yet and still we pretended that all was gravy and ignored it. MISTAKE! We must face facts. And no matter how many hours we spend hovering over a box of Ben and Jerry’s we will always find ourselves blameless. So, I thought that I would ask my 200 Men the following question:

If there were 2 things that you could get women to do (or stop doing) in a relationship to make it work or last longer…what would those 2 things be and why? Send me a message for longer answers.

        Now before you read these answers, you have to be open and honest with yourself. Before you go any further I need you to make the promise that you will not negate a single one of these answers. These guys deal with women, therefore they know what has bothered them in a relationship. Are all of these responses going to be about you? No, not unless you have been with all of these guys. But SOMETHING in here will strike a chord and pinch a nerve and you have to be willing to face that fact and be ready to fix it, because if it is listed… then it is a problem.

And the 200 Men Said….

• Vince V: sorry I don’t like this question…for one it automatically assumes that it is something that a woman does or doesn’t do that causes relationships to end. when we all that is not true. (just keeping it real) no two relationships r the same, every one ends for different reasons. but if you want to hear the general consensus of the male demographic, the answer to your question would be… be more explicitly sexual and open to diversity in the bedroom, and to domesticate themselves a little more (learn to cook and clean).
• Nigi “Pistol Star” Pu Yi: Assuming 2 Much! And Needs 2 Communicate More!..Muahz..Pefect..lol
• …….: Stop always acting like everything is about money,and stop acting like everything is about money lol
• K-LUST THE WILDEST MOUTH!: WELL TWO THINGS ARE STOP ACCUSING A MAN OF BEING OUT WITH OTHER WOMEN AND SECOND , STOP BEING SILENT WHEN SOMTHING IS ON YOUR MIND!
•  ICE: Shut up lol…and trust me 🙂
• Lateef25: not be so dramatic and just think before you react
• Aries Brotha: Stop boasting about the intimacy shared in the bedroom. And to stop agonizing about where the relationship is going. Boasting could lead her friends wanting to see what’s up. Relationships evolve so there isn’t really any way to plan the future.
• Jerome P: i think women should not assume what a man knows.Tell him whats going on in your head. just because we dont know something about you doesn’t mean we’re not paying attention to you. We don’t pick up on everything so quickly
•  James F: take care of her appearance and be a good listener
• Code Name Bigsexy: 1 NO MALE FRIENDS.2 KNOW WE ARE A TEAM THAT MEANS I HELP YOU AND YOU HELP ME
•  !: be satisfied with your man’s position in life if he is happy…In other words, if he makes 60000 and content why bash him for not wanting more, or dressing a certain way, etc…just like him for him or make a change in her life.
•  !A Gentleman! (BBM:30A835CD): If I can get women to stop looking at me or guarding themselves as if I was the man who hurt them. Stop assuming you know us, every man is the not same, we’re not! we are all different.
•  
• THIS GUY: stop always trying to be right and stop trying to destroy another peaceful day
• James L: To stop treating all guys like their cheaters because of their past relationship experience. You will run the good guy off. Say what you mean!!!! We can’t read between your lines, to many possibilities. Make it plain and simple what you want.

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE COMMENT CAN FROM :

• Prestige “The One And Only”: Control your own confidence level. A man shouldn’t dictate a woman’s love for herself, if ever it gets to the point where I am the sole source of her believing in herself it becomes very unattractive. And never stop setting goals….

 

        I read that comment and I wanted to revert back to southern Baptist Church days. PREACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gone On And Tell ’em The TRUTH, PASSA! (Yes, I said Pass and not Pastor).  Don’t ask him if that dress makes you look fast. You knew you looked fat and wanted confirmation. Or you THOUGHT you looked fat and need to hear someone else say the words that mimic the thoughts in your head. That is NOT fair to him. You need a self-check. You need to be able to stand on your own. Confidence is sexy as shit! And the sooner you think you are beautiful is the same minute that the world will begin to agree with you. No self-denial can be included in this. So no obese chicks in 2-piece swimsuits because it doesn’t mean you are confident, that shows you are faking confidence.  Nor does it mean that the skinny girl who believes that she has the bomb as body should go around and show everyone. Think about it, some of the most valuable collections of the world are behind glass and locked up where no one can see it or have limited access. Why would you expose your treasure? You are worth being the first to know that you are beautiful and worth being loved. Love yourself first, trust me when I tell you it is a beautiful thing.

 

        Of course I agree with the intro to Vince V’s response and “……”‘s answer cracks me the hell up. But they all hold a good point in them. And even though ICE wants to get jumped… there is a point to his message as well. We must all learn to shut up SOMETIMES and listen just as much as we wish to be listened to.

 

       Aries Brotha makes a great point about boasting and being a bug-a-boo. Ladies… if you read my Advice from the Other Woman blog you would know that you don’t tell your friends SHIT!! If they ask, just say everything is good. Only stupid females and high school chicks share the details of their relationships. STOP IT!!! Your man is telling you that if you tell you must have wanted someone to know so you can’t get mad when he gives a private tutorial to your best friend…lmao. Just kidding, but you catch my drift. And bugging him about where the relationship is headed is a sign that you are desperate. Seriously. If he wants you, you will know it. if you have to ask, then he doesn’t want you. Make yourself less available and show him that you have a life to live with or without him. If he can’t live without you….he’ll be back. So relax ladies, your asking is why your relationships keep failing. Your overall problem is talking, so shut up to your friends and to your man when it comes to where this relationship is headed… lmao. Well, do so in moderation.

 

      And of course, the Bag Lady Effect. Boo, leave Tyrone’s issues with Tyrone. Keith didn’t hurt you, he may in the future, but you dont know that yet. Pain hurts but it makes us stronger. Imagine how many times iron has to be melted, molded, and hit over and over again to get it to a point where it holds up structures, becomes the frame for others. It feels like you are dying, but you wont. TRUST ME! I’ve been through some shit and I am still here. You are not afraid of Love. You are afraid of being hurt by Tyrone. Well you left Tyrone. Be able to think logically and not emotionally so much. This is nothing new. We’ve heard it all before. Now is the time to believe it and understand the effects of it. The men you seek do NOT like these behaviors. If there are things that you want them to change, you too have to be more willing to change the things about you that bother them. But I’m just a girl too. I suggest to myself that I need to follow my advice. And Scene!

 

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

200 Men Said….Words vs Actions

If I read one more “Don’t Play Games With Your Man, But Fake an Orgasm to Keep Him” self-help book I think that I will crawl in a cave with Osama and start learning his techniques to torture relationship gurus! (ONLY RELATIONSHIP GURUS, people….its just a joke. And to the IT people on my job reading this… JOKE! Like, HAHAHA, funny.)

        Believe it or not, a ton of these books, mainly the ones written by men, are the most confusing books in the world! Dont play games, but keep him chasing you. You do know that suggests that I shouldnt be open about the way I feel because he may not be ready for that , therefore play like I am so hard to catch when I am really sitting by the phone watching Real Housewives ignoring his call. One will say keep the cookies in a cookie jar while another will tell you that a man loves intimacy and will not marry you unless he knows what ingredients your cookies are created from. Hmmm.. cant wait to see that on the Food Network. lmao! And my all time favorite source of advice is that you should watch what a man does and not what he says. What kind of schitzo fuckery is that all about? So my man says he’ll be home for dinner at 5pm so I don’t have dinner ready because I need to see what time he actually shows up? My man says he doesn’t love me but he sleeps with me every night so I should stay around based on what he is doing? LMAO!!! I know I joke a lot but My name is NOT Boobisha The Fool. None of that makes sense at all to me. I am trying to wrap my head around it, but it’s just not stretching.

       I think that a man’s words should match with his actions. And since no one is perfect, when they don’t match a woman should seek clarification and the lines of communication should be there to ensure that they are on the same note. If they never realign…then it is time to bounce. And yes, I know that nothing in life is ever that simple, but the principle remains the same, either you are or you are not…and there is no in between. This is why the status “Its Complicated” on social networks bother me… negro either you are single or you are not. Sneaking in the bathroom to call your jump off but whispering you love her is a pure contradiction because you should be man enough to say it out loud. YEH, I SAID IT… MAN ENOUGH!!! *wipes nose with back of hand thug style* AND WHAT?!

       So, while writing my blog 200 Men Said…. Let a Man be a Man [<~Come Back later for link] I came across a comment by Chub L where he said:

” Many swear that what one does or demonstrates declares what they feel. That is true BS – we as human beings still need to hear and feel what mere tangible things can never satisfy.”

       And it hit me….. time to ask my 200 men their opinion. I wanted to know that if their actions were the opposite of what they felt and their words conflicted…. which version of the situation should I pay attention to. So, I asked:

If your words and actions were to contradict each other after an argument, which would you want your girlfriend to pay the MOST attention to? Your Words or your Actions? Why?

       Yes, I can admit that this is a loaded, and seemingly unfair question to ask… but life isn’t fair.. lmao. I actually want to see who will fight against the grain and say “both”. I also want to see the reasons they give, if any for picking one over the other. So, after about an hour of asking this question…. the answers started to roll in. And the men said….

• Nigi “Pistol Star” Pu Yi: Pay More attention to my actions first then my words. People may just do things without an understanding of saying to them or having it be felt rather than heard!
•  Mr. Mayor**DARKSTARZ INC PREZ**: I just think you should put more effort in making the two meet… If you say for example that you love some… your actions should show that and if they don’t you should work at it, not just expect someone to accept that they don’t…
• DSMILEY1 :  My words; because communication is the key 
• Lateef25:  A combination
• Vince V: If this was something that happened between my girl and I, I would want her to point this out so we could straighten out the situation. Because I like to back up my words with my actions so she can trust everything i tell her and i can stay true to being a man of my word.
• James F: I want her to pay attention to both;words and actions. Both mean something
•  …….: Neither,why would you take someone confused seriously?
• rroyallty: They won’t contradict. When I say what I have to say my actions will follow. There is no in between. She needs to follow both cuz they will be in unison
• Code Name Bigsexy: Both, because if I do something other than what I say there should be a problem.You got to talk the talk and walk the walk
• MR. LOVING: Now if they were to contradict then it would be up to her.
• James M: If they contradicted..pay the most to actions because actions don’t lie.
•  CHRIST-O: MY ACTIONS, A MOUTH CAN SAY ANYTHING
• Aries Brotha: My actions. I’m one of those guys that when I’ve lost my cool. I can’t convey what I wanna say. So it’s best to read my body language, and adjust yourself accordingly. More times than not I’ll just shut down and just sit there while they talk.

 

And my FAVORITE response came from my residential comedian:

 

• Chub L: my words. I’m a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, but please be gutsy and work with both – women are famous for multi-tasking. Multi-task that.

 

        So, after a few examples, it is nice to see that my previous prediction held true. Majority of the men said both because their words and their actions should be in alignment. So i was validated in some way. A man’s words and his actions should be in accord with one another majority of the time. But as we all know, no one is perfect. A man will act out should his pride or emotions come in jeopardy and those actions may be in total conflict with what it is that he actually means. This is a defense mechanism. You’ve seen it. The guy standing on the block with his boys, sees a fine woman and she turns him down and he immediately yells, “I didn’t want your ugly ass any way.” We all know that he did and that the girl wasnt ugly…. but those actions didn’t match with how he really felt. So, what do you do with his words and his actions are in contradiction with one another?

 

       Some say listen to my words, while others say watch my actions, but who do we believe? People can do anything and say just about anything. I think it then becomes time for the woman to live in reality and not fantasy. What has his track record shown you? Has he kept his promises ( which, oddly enough, takes action after speaking words)? Has his actions been that of respect and integrity? And do you want a person who says things but doesn’t follow through? Or do you want a guy who never says the right things but puts things into action? Like “…….” said, why do you want to deal with such confusion? That coming from a man. It is up to you as to which to believe, or listen to more, and you have to live with the choices you make. But Like Aries Brother said, sometimes he cant say what it is that he feels but he may be open to showing you. So ladies you must be open to looking for visual communication as well. Every man will not be the best communicator and you have to adapt to that as well.  Every man is very different so what worked with the last man may not work with this man. But my 200 men have proven that a real man will seldom contradict himself. If he says he loves you, then he will show it. If he shows that he loves you…..be patient, he will eventually say it.

 

I thank my 200 Men for being honest.

 

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~