C.I.A: Condom In Action

200 Men Said….#2

        Ladies, I know we have all been here, in the moment, heated, just wanting him to shut the hell up with all of his sweet talk and get straight to the reason why you are pinned up against a wall with your clothes wrapped around your body in weird geometric configurations. Yes, there. And sometimes, just sometimes…..all caution goes out the window and you get the party started quickly…but not right. How many of you have fallen for the “baby just let me stick the head in” routine? What has it cost you?

        I have to raise my hand here and confess… yes… I too have been here. I contemplated leaving my personal experience out of this one, but I figured it would hit harder if I put a face to this. Judge me if you want, you dont know my journey, and where I was in not where I am, nor are the decisions I have made in the past those that I will make in the future. Is this an every time I have sex thing? No, but have I had unprotected sex before? Yes. But he is just soooooo fine with his amazing body, his eyes, his voice, his hair, his….yeh..that too….lol! I digress…Even though it was unprotected intercourse with just 2 guys, ten years apart, it doesn’t make it right by any stretch of the imagination. I should have requested that he wrap up. If not for him…for me. I’ve had a guy who I was with have rumors come out that he was HIV positive years later.THANK THE LAWD I USED A CONDOM!!!!!!!!! I’ve had a guy I was dating have his wife hit me up asking why I was in pictures with her husband & the reason he lives in a different house is because she is trying to divorce him after finding letters and receiving calls from his gay lover. THANK THE LAWD I USED A CONDOM!!!!  Yes, no matter how monogamous you THINK you are, you may not be in one in actuality. So I get tested EVERY year whether I have had sex or not. I only have ONE sexual partner a year… if that….the great ones may be repeated the next year..TMI I know..but this is all about growth. And the lesson has been learned ( not saying how recently) that a condom must be used at ALL TIMES!!! Yes, I will fight the urge from here on out….as HARD as it may be, these mistakes can be costly. So, since I know this… I wanted to see what guys thought of a girl who wanted to have sex with them without a condom. I can hear the Bible thumpers now…. if I had just stayed a virgin until I was married…lol. But since I didn’t, these are the experiences that I have had.

        What would my actions in the past say about me? How has my not so smart judgment in the heat of the moment broadcasted about my self-worth, my overall intelligence, and my concern for my health and my partner? Since this is a lesson that I’ve learned, I can talk about it freely. I believe in sharing my journey so that others don’t have to take the same road to get to the same place. So I wanted to let the ladies know, if you are out there having unprotected sex….this is what the men are thinking of you.

200 men were asked:

Most men don’t like to wear condoms, so how safe do you feel with a woman who doesn’t make you wear one if you aren’t in a relationship? Have you ever NOT worn a condom? Why? WHat made it okay?

 

And even though I wish I could post all 200 of their comments, here is what 8% of them said:

1. Tony Raymond **Thank El Grego**: BOTH sexes don’t like to wear a condom due to the unnatural feel. It just says that she is open to diseases but it’s how easy to get her open that says I am not the only one in a week…No condom?Yes.Natural feel and extend relationship made it okay for me
2.  kingdomgate_ent:  They say condoms are to prevent disease but in all actuality its a form of birth control. I don’t just have casual sex. The only woman I plan on sleeping with is my wife. So this condom question doesn’t apply to me.
3. K-LUST THE WILDEST MOUTH!: I USE PROTECTION ! A LOT OF THINGS TEND TO HAPPEN IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT! IF YOU BOTH FEEL SAFE GO FOR IT ! IF ITS A SECOND THOUGHT USE PROTECTION! I HAVE HAD UNPROTECTED SEX NOT MANY TIMES BUT IT HAS HAPPENED. I AM THANKFUL TO BE HEALTHY AND SAFE.
4. Willie C: I always wear a condom. I have never not worn one, anytime I have had sex I have always put one on.
5.  Code Name Bigsexy: you gotta wear 1.a woman who doesn’t make you wear 1 probably doesn’t make other men wear 1. STRAPPPPPPPPP UP!!!!!!
7. James F: i don’t feel safe at all..and she’s not gonna make me do anything..I don’t want kids so i wear a condom..relationship or no relationship
8. Vincent: I don’t. I’m very cautious since I trusted a female when I was 15 and then she told me she was pregnant. The women I’ve been in relationships with normally get angry at me because they want me to take it off but it’s a trust thing.
9. Mr. Mayor**DARKSTARZ INC PREZ**: Not safe at all. I have not worn one. I was in a relationship…. but I still should have worn one. That didn’t make it ok
10. H. Xavier: I don’t feel safe ,back in the nineties i hated condoms ,but now they’re ur best friend,yes i have not worn a condom before ,with a friend who we were mutually not seein anyone else at the time,but it wasnt ok! u learn from ur mistakes !
11. Sybree B: Well i am one of those men that don’t like to wear condoms ,but I also don’t have sex with any woman,cause there’s to many diseases out here and i love myself too much to kill myself.
12.  big slim: I don’t feel safe when a woman wants too lay down with me without a condom. I just have to fall all the way back…
13. Black Kryptonite aka the KID: True, most men don’t prefer to wear condoms. However, I have worn a condom and still made a child. My stance is I wear them until we discuss not wearing them or we are in a monogamous relationship and decide not to wear them.
14. Jay: I love condoms like fat kids love cake. The only person I would ever have sex with without a condom would be my significant other. I never had sex with a woman that I didn’t know without wearing a condom. I love sex soooooooo much, but not that much.
15. James L: I prefer to be in a relationship before sex is involved. Therefore, condoms will not be necessary for us unless it has been agreed upon! No relationship, no sex, no condom!
16.  ……. :I can’t speak on everybody else,but i have to wear a condom.
17.  Bryan P: i don’t like wearin um who does….but [I] have to trust u in order not to wear it cuz i like my bestfriend… lol and don’t want it to have bumps on ’em… and yes ive [gone]raw … i knew the person
18.  IM ON MINE GROWN MAN!!!!!: Well I don’t like to use condoms cuz I can’t feel the wetness n the juicy
19. ”DUKE” BANNER: MOST PEOPLE THAT DONT WEAR THEM SAY THEY GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE EMOTION. I HAVE TO REMEMBER THE OLD SAYING, “BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY ” IF I DONT WEAR ONE WITH YOU I [DON’T] KNOW YOU BOTTOM LINE
20.  ! A WORK IN PROGRESS !: i always wear one. and if she doesn’t i getta steppin cause something is not rite
21. Lateef25: yeah when i had sex [w/o a condom] with her more than 8 times and I knew she wasnt having sex with anyone else but it was still unsafe
22.  Hossein M: Well I have to agree with you saying men don’t like condoms because I don’t, but I am better safe than sorry and I leave no room for discussion when it comes to unsafe sex outside a relationship.
23. Anthony W: I never had sex without a condom.
24.  Positiveibes: I’ve only gone w/o with women that i had long-term relationships even that made me nervous. it’s not even about H.I.V. for me i protect myself b/c I don’t want K.I.D. w/ someone that’s not my wife.

My favorite comment happened to have come from :

1.  Trayvon S {Men Of Respect}: that is correct, most men don’t like wearing condoms. But if you are with a woman who doesn’t make you or suggests that you wear one, dont do it. Yes, i have not worn a condom with a woman i just met but i made sure that she hadn’t slept around

 

        He said that he has slept with a woman who he just met and didn’t use a condom, but “he made sure she hadn’t slept around.” If I had enough time to ask I would wonder, how did he make sure she hadn’t slept around? It isn’t that easy to tell with women. WOmen can sleep with 5 guys in a day and no one will ever be the wiser but her. So how does one know for sure how many people their partner has slept with other than taking their word for it? And since guys don’t want to know how many men their girl has been with prior to them, this too can close down the streets of communication about sexual history and the practices of the person that you are trusting your body with. Trust me, I have gone and gotten tested with a guy just to find out months later that he slept with his ex-girl a week before we got tested and that made our test void because he was not out of his window period with her. Do you know how SCARY that is to know that you did everything YOU were suppose to do to only find out that the other person has lied to you and put you at risk?  These are the lessons that I have learned and thankfully have remained HIV NEGATIVE after all of this foolishness.  We’ve got to do better.  ALL OF US.

 

        So you see, the consensus is that you should ALWAYS wear a condom. Even those who said that they have to know you, and be in a long relationship with you….they should wear a condom too. You never know a person until you say “I DO” and even then there are some activities and reports of spouses catching diseases. SO just play it safe. Wrap it up at all times. And if this person happens to be the one you marry… have a free-ballin event! But I just wanted to bring this discussion to the fore front and get everyone talking about it. You can post a comment anonymously if you would like. Use the email 2deepuncensored@gmail.com and leave a comment. Make up a name and comment. We need to get this discussion going. So, lets wrap it up! or become celebate like me! Hell….its been so long… I’m afraid to cross my legs b/c I might spark a fire, but at least I know I am K.I.D free and H.I.V/AIDS free, ya dig!

 

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

Yes, I’m Fat….Thanks for Noticing

There's no hope for me if THIS is considered too fat!

 

AN UNCENSORED WARNING: If you are about to read this..please leave a comment below so I know what you think so I can know what writing works and what doesnt. It simply irks the $#!+ out of me for me to write all this, people read and not respond. Actually, its rude as hell. Now….enjoy.     

My night ended and my day began with the discussion of being the plus size friend. Something that is a bit of a taboo conversation, and depending on what region of the world you’re in,it also has a different source of relevancy. Well, being plus size in the Nation’s capital is like being the lone colored person at the taping of Birth of a Nation; you may have the privilege of being there, but trust me when I tell you that you are nothing more than a prop or hired help. Even yesterday my friends and I had conversations of whether or not I was this guy’s “type”. I explained to them that seldom am I ever anyone’s type. One goes on to tell me that I have to stop thinking that way because it could read on me. I swiftly told her that I never think poorly of myself and that I am the business every time I step my foot on this green earth, but common sense can tell you when a person just isn’t that into you; you recognize that and you keep it moving. Only desperate people stay around when they’re not wanted. Thankfully, I am not that type of woman because knowing when you are not wanted can save you the blunt force of rejection that gets thrusted in your face or stabbed in your back by either a casual flirt or a love interests who subtly or boldly lets you know that its your weight that makes you unattractive.    

Despite any amount of confidence one may have leaving the house, not even your understanding of placing the whole armor of God on could shield you from the source of hate and disgust that could be issued in your direction upon stepping foot off of your personal property. The amount of separation that the world places on plus size people would never equate to the battle of homosexuals or the holocaust, but it does resemble that of the Civil Rights era. Actually, it could be just a tad bit worse because the bigots dont out right express their hatred for you. Brand name stores like LVLX, RAVE, and Vera Wang are encrypted signs that say No Fats allowed, Fit Persons Only. You should check the seat of the sales person’s size 2 panties as she is about to drop a load on herself when a plus size woman enters one of these stores. She tries to both monitor the items that the plus size person has in their arm and remember the politically correct phrasing for reminding the plus size person that their big ass has no home within the walls of this anti-obese clothing facility. Inside, the plus size person wants to scream, “Trick, can I please shop your jewelry in peace?” or “May I please purchase this size zero for a family member or friend without you preparing a eulogy for the zipper without my having even asked for the location of the dressing rooms?” No matter where we go, we are just assumed to be one way rather than being taken on an individual basis.      

I carry the  struggle of weight just like the next plus size person, but I am my own person. I can get up and run a mile without complaining….but who does that for fun? lol. I can teach dance classes for hours without even noticing that this is in fact considered exercise, or walk the mall for hours carrying bags and never once request to sit down from body aches. I am NOT by any stretch of the imagination the most athletic person you will ever meet, but I am also not the laziest. If you were to follow me on any given day you would imagine how a person could move around so much and be my size, just to come to the conclusion of confusion when I tell you that I am both safe and harmed behind the walls of my fat rolls. Here I know that not many people will look my way when standing beside my rather modelesque or regular/average sized friends, but I am also safe from the people who would still overlook my mind and what I have to offer just because they are attracted to my outer presence. So, I don’t know the next person’s battle, but mine is to never be seen as just another ass for another deceptive guy to place on his conquer list. My fat has become my defense mechanism….but here I sit watching the world that I was once a part of wanting to belong to it once more …..just without the risks.      

So, to all the plus size girls out there….I know what it feels like to fall in love with a guy and to be hidden and confined to after dark visits, never introduced to friends or family and treated differently than when you first met. I know what it feels like for people to swiftly push-off your concerns about how the world treats you by telling you that “if its your weight that you feel is the problem, then why not just lose the weight.” I know what it feels like to walk into a club with other plus size friends and hear a guy yell “Damn, there must be a buffet in the back with all of these big bitches coming up in here” or the guy sporting a shirt with the silhouette of a grotesque replica of a plus size girl surrounded by burgers and fries and other carb induced items adorned with the Ghostbusters “No” sign that reads “I don’t do Big Bitches”. Or to be walking with your friends, dressed in your best from head to toe, feeling confident in your decision as you have not fallen into the BGID [Big Girls in Denial] syndrome,you’re properly & proportionately covered and looking dazzling…just to have a guy walk up to you and say “If that’s your best, I don’t want to see your worse” . He then gives his cronies dap and other male bonding gestures that now makes him a man for trying to defeat an innocent woman just because she wasnt aesthetically pleasing to him. Also,I know what it feels like to be out dancing with your friends as a guy walks over to dance with one of the thinner divas, takes her purse and shoes that she was holding in her hand and hands them to you after saying “Here, you can hold this since no one is going to dance with you anyway.” Or to go to a Howard University homecoming and have a guy videotape and joke on another plus size friend that you came with as you jump in the line of the camera’s shot to block and protect your innocent friend from becoming the target of an internet joke fest…just to have her turn on you and say that you don’t understand because you’re smaller than her and not really plus size. What about reading a tweet that says “….. if you let yourself go, dont expect me to hold on.”? And I also know what it feels like to playfully flirt with a friend and watch him turn to every OTHER friend you’re with while your back is turned and attempt to flirt with them, or to sit in the backseat of a car and have that same guy think that you are either stupid enough or blind enough for the dark of night to mask his holding hands with a friend that you just introduced him to as she sits quietly in the front seat with his hand rested on her knee/thigh. I know what it feels like to sit back after all of this has happened and wonder if being thinner would make you visible again or wonder what could be so wrong with you that people don’t properly take your emotions into consideration.      

What I have found after all of this soul-searching is that….. it is not me. Also, it is not my friends’ fault for being who they are. Yet, after all of that you try to compartmentalize the pain that comes with being you…with being a citizen in the land of More of You To Love…just to conclude that there is nothing you can do. I love myself just the way I am and it is wrong of me to let other’s actions in the presence of who I am make me feel as if I am inadequate, or that I am any less of the beautifully God crafted woman who I was intended to be. I deserve respect, I deserve love, and although all of that evades me now…..one day it will come when it is supposed to and I don’t think that me being a smaller size should have anything to do with that match made in heaven occurring for me. In the meantime, I just have to laugh at the many people who overlook the joy that is within me, the intelligence that i house, and the romantic gestures that I wish to one day share with my husband….in a way my size is allowing shallow people to pass me by and in the present mind frame I’m okay with that. My message to the bigots is that I will not try to change you, if you promise not to try to change me. So, with that…I will continue to analyze why these negative comments and actions issued in my direction as if I am not human, not attractive, not capable of understanding that I am being dissed…hurt as much as they do. Why do these comments keep me from socializing on a personal level, reaching outside of my comfort zone and grabbing life by the balls and saying , “Fuck You! Now pass me the plate”.  I guess it’s too much to try to process all at once, to dissect and understand so I compartmentalize, and when asked why I am so upset I respond with….I’m just too fat for words.      

One day, the world will come to learn that being plus sized is genetics, a taught/learned behavior, a medical disease [a disorder or thyroid], and a process that one jokes on only makes the matter worse. This just happens to be a personal battle that we wear on our sleeves, stomachs, and thighs so many feel they can attack it, ignore it, disrespect it, and judge it. I’d love to see the day when alcoholics, liars, sex addicts, adulteress, and thieves [etc.] could wear their habits on their sleeves, able to be viewed by the rest of the world. Until then, I am a brave soul to know that I hold my head up ever day I walk into the world, fat and all, as the world can see my habits and continue to not make an excuse for who I am. I tell the rest of the world that if you are so above me….why do you hide your habits? Why do you throw up behind closed doors, hold hands in the dark, drink while others aren’t looking or sex with someone you just met in hopes that they will say I love you back and mean it? Yes, I’m  fat….thanks for noticing. Now…what else can you see?      

~Sincerely,      

My Mother’s Daughter