VMA Recap: 2Deep Style

 

VMA 2010

       Ummmmm…. there was really no fan fare and out right debauchery that I have become accustomed to seeing when I turned on the awards. It didn’t really feel like an award show because Beyonce didn’t win a single “lady’s” award.  And Lady Gaga was too PMS emotional for me to stomach all in one swallow. But it was what it was and that is why we are here.

        First, WHAT THE FUDGE WERE THEY THINKING WHEN CHOSING CHELSEA HANDLER AS THE HOST? I’ve seen her show, I don’t think they’ve seen her show, have you seen her show…okay, then you know. So, outside of the borderline KKK comedy that came from her mouth, everything was relatively PG-13. I think I could have counted the amount of censored bleeps they used on her with one hand. LAME. That makes for no fun. I could have done better. The jokes were predictable, I wish her drunk ass would have stood in one place because her walking back and forth for no damn reason was giving me a headache. I think she only had 2 costume changes which makes her not that important. Hell, Kathy Griffin would have gotten more changes than that and she is on the D List. But I digress….

        I’m suing MTV for negligent advertising through the obsessed use of Cover Girl’s Taylor Swift rants. I swear… I was prepared to go Tonya Harding on that tazz if I heard Taylor Swift’s name one more ‘gin. For all of the Taylor Swift fans, that is ebonics for once more. We get it, Kanye’s speaking the truth last year at the wrong damn time was the big black elephant in the room…that should have squashed both Chelsea and Taylor. But the both of them continuously acknowledging it just gave Kanye more power. He was able to weasel his way into the host’s material as well as Taylor’s. The best way to deal with Kanye, like us black people do at times, is to ignore him. He made you relevant this year. He made them call you back to perform this year to have your spotlight. He is the reason  Cover Girl blasted your name in ads every 15 minutes and never once did that for Rhianna or Beyonce who have waaaaaaaaay more nominations and awards than you. So, secretly, say thank you and get on with it. Yes, he was wrong. But it made you go down in history. We’ll always remember the innocent girl who had her moment stolen by Kanye and restored by both Beyonce and MTV 2 years in a row.  your music is lovely and I will never take that away from you……but if I hear your name again, I swear I will Kanye everything you do….try me!

        Will I Am [Nuts] straight up confused me with that ensemble. I was concerned. I wasnt sure if he needed psychiatric attention or was acting out because people no longer thought he was black. I am still at a lost for words.

        Drake!!! Love it, Love it!, Love it!…..but why did he look like a high yellow Fred Astaire gliding across the stage as the missing Rat Pack member? A Rapper in a suit is classic….but I had a disconnect with the stage performance. I finally figured out what Swizz was saying… it is Concealer…like how you conceal an affair from your wife.. but I digress again. Mary J Blige in a hat took me back to classic MJB. Something about a hat makes her soul come out. Made me want to cut a hole in the top of a baseball cap and jam out to the performance. But she stole the show.

        In failing news, I voted for Nicki Hoenaj as the New Artist of the Year award just because Beiber was getting too much hype. Call me a hater, but I regret it because my vote was in vain, Beiber won. I mean really.. here we are worried about the Mexican border while the Canadians are taking over. First Shania Twain, then Drake, and now Beiber…..wow. Canadians are like the new Asians, they can dance and out sing us. Fascinating. But much love and congrats goes out to Usher’s protegé. Parents, dont go naming your kids Justin just because it made Beiber & Timberlake cross over ready. Stick to Paul and John, and Ringo…it worked for the Beatles.

        Lady Gaga turned into Beyonce for the night swiping every award category she was in… amazing. But the highlight of my night was when she both hugged and gave a shout out to Lori Ann Gibson for her amazing work. Goo Goo Gaga aside, Lori works her ass off and she deserved every bit of that shout out. I think more choreographers should get shout outs at video awards. I think there should be a choreographer category. Yep, you heard it here first. Best Choreographed Video should be announced. We do the dances, and majority of the times that is what keeps the song relevant. So Props to Lori Ann and all of the other amazing and wonderful choreographers!!! I am also on standby for “PETA ATTACKS LADY GAGA WITH A1 SAUCE” headlines.

        Back to Hoenaj, fairly quickly, what was that boring ensemble she had on? Did she just not give a fudge about the MTV Awards? Even I expect more than that from the woman. Ok…on to the next one.

         Cher took me back to her Mermaid days. I felt so old for even remembering where I was when she wore the original outfit, and felt even worse about my low self esteem that a woman 30 years my senior could wear the same outfit she use to wear when I was 6…the universe is soooo not fair. Forget SLim Fast, I need the Cher diet. And since my mind is twisted….she had to get waxed to get into that costume… does her cha cha turn into dust with each wax? I don’t see how she is preserved so well. I think her and Dick Clark drank from the same friggin well. Just saying… it’s a Conspiracy… C-O-N-spiracy!

        I forgot what rock band went up there towards the end…ok Linkin Park, but they made me miss Creed. Why cant bands stay together….the good bands at least? Sigh… memories. But that was a great performance and I loved it. Yes, the black girl jams out to Rock & Roll…not all, but the songs that speak to my heart. I think you are an amazing musician if you can penetrate the heart and soul of a predominately saturated genre that is opposite from your own. And Yes… they did a great job.

        Bruno Mars looked like a latin Fonz from happy Days, or a lost Menudo brother…which ever will make you laugh first.

        Rhi Rhi’s outfit looked as if she and Chris had a reunion in the limo before she hit the stage, pardon the pun. I was conflicted with her conflicted look. And that song still confuses me; Eminem sounds remorseful for knocking the spit of of his woman while Rhi sounds like she’s saying.. : “Oh No baby, keep hitting me. I love it when you lie, it hurts so good!”. Yeeeeeeeh……ummmm.. okay. I say stay away from that if you like Freedom , fellas. Also, it was funny when Rhi Rhi tried to be cute during Drake’s performance. The camera zoomed in on her and Katy Perry as Rhi Rhi flashed rings and “i’m too cute” faces at Katy….and Katy Igged her. She didn’t even look in Rhi Rhi’s way. Rhi Rhi went from “Oh, you Fancy, Huh “to “Oh You got Igged, Huh?” all is on swift swoop.lol. I suggest that celebs coordinate trendy moves with the person sitting next to them as not to look egg faced. lol.  Because, you guessed it, butt munches like myself NOTICED IT!

        Wow… I feel so Perez Hilton-ish after that last remark, but I think it was done with a touch of Love B. Scott class, minus the love muffins.

        And last, but not least….they put Kanye LAST! Nobody puts Baby in the corner!!! But Dear Mr. West… I didn’t get it. I mean I got it , but wondered why. I think you should have exercised “all that power” and pulled out a show stopper that we’re accustomed to you having. That was pretty much like the anticipation and final delivery of Lauryn Hill at  Rock the Bells in Maryland/DC. We expected so much and we walked away with… umm.. yeh. But you still have my vote dude. You say what most of us are thinking but fail to say…even when it shouldnt be said. But I respect you just the same.

        Well… that is all I can recap in my head. All the show was missing was Willow whipping her hair back and forth, a perfectly timed released nipple on a censor delay, a few bitches, and an unexpected fall. No one even kissed on this episode, where they trying to control Hollywood’s inbreeding this year? So, until next time…. I’ll be just as uncensored.

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

Yes, I’m Fat….Thanks for Noticing

There's no hope for me if THIS is considered too fat!

 

AN UNCENSORED WARNING: If you are about to read this..please leave a comment below so I know what you think so I can know what writing works and what doesnt. It simply irks the $#!+ out of me for me to write all this, people read and not respond. Actually, its rude as hell. Now….enjoy.     

My night ended and my day began with the discussion of being the plus size friend. Something that is a bit of a taboo conversation, and depending on what region of the world you’re in,it also has a different source of relevancy. Well, being plus size in the Nation’s capital is like being the lone colored person at the taping of Birth of a Nation; you may have the privilege of being there, but trust me when I tell you that you are nothing more than a prop or hired help. Even yesterday my friends and I had conversations of whether or not I was this guy’s “type”. I explained to them that seldom am I ever anyone’s type. One goes on to tell me that I have to stop thinking that way because it could read on me. I swiftly told her that I never think poorly of myself and that I am the business every time I step my foot on this green earth, but common sense can tell you when a person just isn’t that into you; you recognize that and you keep it moving. Only desperate people stay around when they’re not wanted. Thankfully, I am not that type of woman because knowing when you are not wanted can save you the blunt force of rejection that gets thrusted in your face or stabbed in your back by either a casual flirt or a love interests who subtly or boldly lets you know that its your weight that makes you unattractive.    

Despite any amount of confidence one may have leaving the house, not even your understanding of placing the whole armor of God on could shield you from the source of hate and disgust that could be issued in your direction upon stepping foot off of your personal property. The amount of separation that the world places on plus size people would never equate to the battle of homosexuals or the holocaust, but it does resemble that of the Civil Rights era. Actually, it could be just a tad bit worse because the bigots dont out right express their hatred for you. Brand name stores like LVLX, RAVE, and Vera Wang are encrypted signs that say No Fats allowed, Fit Persons Only. You should check the seat of the sales person’s size 2 panties as she is about to drop a load on herself when a plus size woman enters one of these stores. She tries to both monitor the items that the plus size person has in their arm and remember the politically correct phrasing for reminding the plus size person that their big ass has no home within the walls of this anti-obese clothing facility. Inside, the plus size person wants to scream, “Trick, can I please shop your jewelry in peace?” or “May I please purchase this size zero for a family member or friend without you preparing a eulogy for the zipper without my having even asked for the location of the dressing rooms?” No matter where we go, we are just assumed to be one way rather than being taken on an individual basis.      

I carry the  struggle of weight just like the next plus size person, but I am my own person. I can get up and run a mile without complaining….but who does that for fun? lol. I can teach dance classes for hours without even noticing that this is in fact considered exercise, or walk the mall for hours carrying bags and never once request to sit down from body aches. I am NOT by any stretch of the imagination the most athletic person you will ever meet, but I am also not the laziest. If you were to follow me on any given day you would imagine how a person could move around so much and be my size, just to come to the conclusion of confusion when I tell you that I am both safe and harmed behind the walls of my fat rolls. Here I know that not many people will look my way when standing beside my rather modelesque or regular/average sized friends, but I am also safe from the people who would still overlook my mind and what I have to offer just because they are attracted to my outer presence. So, I don’t know the next person’s battle, but mine is to never be seen as just another ass for another deceptive guy to place on his conquer list. My fat has become my defense mechanism….but here I sit watching the world that I was once a part of wanting to belong to it once more …..just without the risks.      

So, to all the plus size girls out there….I know what it feels like to fall in love with a guy and to be hidden and confined to after dark visits, never introduced to friends or family and treated differently than when you first met. I know what it feels like for people to swiftly push-off your concerns about how the world treats you by telling you that “if its your weight that you feel is the problem, then why not just lose the weight.” I know what it feels like to walk into a club with other plus size friends and hear a guy yell “Damn, there must be a buffet in the back with all of these big bitches coming up in here” or the guy sporting a shirt with the silhouette of a grotesque replica of a plus size girl surrounded by burgers and fries and other carb induced items adorned with the Ghostbusters “No” sign that reads “I don’t do Big Bitches”. Or to be walking with your friends, dressed in your best from head to toe, feeling confident in your decision as you have not fallen into the BGID [Big Girls in Denial] syndrome,you’re properly & proportionately covered and looking dazzling…just to have a guy walk up to you and say “If that’s your best, I don’t want to see your worse” . He then gives his cronies dap and other male bonding gestures that now makes him a man for trying to defeat an innocent woman just because she wasnt aesthetically pleasing to him. Also,I know what it feels like to be out dancing with your friends as a guy walks over to dance with one of the thinner divas, takes her purse and shoes that she was holding in her hand and hands them to you after saying “Here, you can hold this since no one is going to dance with you anyway.” Or to go to a Howard University homecoming and have a guy videotape and joke on another plus size friend that you came with as you jump in the line of the camera’s shot to block and protect your innocent friend from becoming the target of an internet joke fest…just to have her turn on you and say that you don’t understand because you’re smaller than her and not really plus size. What about reading a tweet that says “….. if you let yourself go, dont expect me to hold on.”? And I also know what it feels like to playfully flirt with a friend and watch him turn to every OTHER friend you’re with while your back is turned and attempt to flirt with them, or to sit in the backseat of a car and have that same guy think that you are either stupid enough or blind enough for the dark of night to mask his holding hands with a friend that you just introduced him to as she sits quietly in the front seat with his hand rested on her knee/thigh. I know what it feels like to sit back after all of this has happened and wonder if being thinner would make you visible again or wonder what could be so wrong with you that people don’t properly take your emotions into consideration.      

What I have found after all of this soul-searching is that….. it is not me. Also, it is not my friends’ fault for being who they are. Yet, after all of that you try to compartmentalize the pain that comes with being you…with being a citizen in the land of More of You To Love…just to conclude that there is nothing you can do. I love myself just the way I am and it is wrong of me to let other’s actions in the presence of who I am make me feel as if I am inadequate, or that I am any less of the beautifully God crafted woman who I was intended to be. I deserve respect, I deserve love, and although all of that evades me now…..one day it will come when it is supposed to and I don’t think that me being a smaller size should have anything to do with that match made in heaven occurring for me. In the meantime, I just have to laugh at the many people who overlook the joy that is within me, the intelligence that i house, and the romantic gestures that I wish to one day share with my husband….in a way my size is allowing shallow people to pass me by and in the present mind frame I’m okay with that. My message to the bigots is that I will not try to change you, if you promise not to try to change me. So, with that…I will continue to analyze why these negative comments and actions issued in my direction as if I am not human, not attractive, not capable of understanding that I am being dissed…hurt as much as they do. Why do these comments keep me from socializing on a personal level, reaching outside of my comfort zone and grabbing life by the balls and saying , “Fuck You! Now pass me the plate”.  I guess it’s too much to try to process all at once, to dissect and understand so I compartmentalize, and when asked why I am so upset I respond with….I’m just too fat for words.      

One day, the world will come to learn that being plus sized is genetics, a taught/learned behavior, a medical disease [a disorder or thyroid], and a process that one jokes on only makes the matter worse. This just happens to be a personal battle that we wear on our sleeves, stomachs, and thighs so many feel they can attack it, ignore it, disrespect it, and judge it. I’d love to see the day when alcoholics, liars, sex addicts, adulteress, and thieves [etc.] could wear their habits on their sleeves, able to be viewed by the rest of the world. Until then, I am a brave soul to know that I hold my head up ever day I walk into the world, fat and all, as the world can see my habits and continue to not make an excuse for who I am. I tell the rest of the world that if you are so above me….why do you hide your habits? Why do you throw up behind closed doors, hold hands in the dark, drink while others aren’t looking or sex with someone you just met in hopes that they will say I love you back and mean it? Yes, I’m  fat….thanks for noticing. Now…what else can you see?      

~Sincerely,      

My Mother’s Daughter