200 Men Said….Liars, and Fires, and Men….Oh MY!

        If you read my post yesterday about Marsha Ambrosius’ I Hope She Cheats On You, then you should be more than well prepared to know what today’s blog will be about. You guessed it; Cheating! Well, not just cheating in general but all of the things that hurt people do to others while in a relationship.

        You know the drill; boy meets girl, boy sleeps with girl, boy cheats on girl, girls gets even, girl sleeps with best friend, etc, etc, etc. Yeh. If you are above the age of 16 and have a single cool bone in your body then you know exactly what I am talking about. Sorry, this blog is not for the 40 year-old virgins who play Scrabble by themselves while watching reruns of Golden Girls in their studio apartments. NO, this is for the cool kids who know how to get even. Those kids who actually got asked out on dates and thought it was a privilege. The same kids who would soon find out that we are in an age where no one knows how to date or even respect themselves, yet alone how to protect someone else! Yes, those kids.

       I, dear friends, was one of THOSE kids. The cool kid that experienced every wrong in the book. I’m one of the divas with the sunroof open, windows do, and blaring I Hope She Cheats On You. No hurt feelings, just vindication at its finest, displayed beautifully by Marsha’s amazing talents.

       So, as usual, i wanted to know…or even see for that matter…what my 200 men thought on the matter. I wanted to first see what they would admit to doing. So I asked them:

What was the WORSE thing, as a man, that you have ever done to a woman while in a relationship?

 

And the answers that followed were:

• MR. LOVING: I can’t find anything that I can recall! [2deep: Suuuuuuuure! lol]
•  Carlos V: cheated
•  ! Robert D (S4D (S-4411): GAVE MY HEART [2deep:  OUCH!!!!!]
•  Boozer101: cheated… she didn’t find out but just the same.. that’s the worse thing I’ve ever done
•  Lighta: Revenge cheat would have to be the worst thing.
• JAY D:  Cheat on her
•  Nigi “Pistol Star” Pu Yi: The 5th [2Deep:  I have a feeling that there will be a ton of this….lol]
• Patrick:  Not giving the affection she needed or deserved. [2Deep:  You do know that this is worse than cheating, right?]
•  Lateef25: maybe i wasnt honest
• Juan D: smashed her friend. [2deep: Hope it itched….lol]
•  Code Name Bigsexy: lol ill have to use my fifth amendment on that 1 [2Deep: You already told me… so I know…lmao! I just wont post it.]
• DSMILEY1: Had sex with a girl while my girlfriend at the time was next door to a friend’s house. I WAS JUST STUPID AT THE TIME BUT NEVER WILL DO IT AGAIN [2Deep:  JUST STUPID!!! I hope you caught something. Oh wait, you didnt do this to me….never mind…lmao]
•  Parrish M: I couldn’t say that I was a man at the time more like an adult male. I put my hands on a woman before. [2deep: Check out my Blog About D.O.C……..yeh]
• rroyallty: hmm. not sure. maybe break up with her
• Johann J: I cheated on her with her best friend and her best friends cousin. A real young and dumb move. [2Deep: Just a regular overachiever, aren’t we?]
• Robert P: Wasn’t there for her when she needed me most
• Tori A: Cheated on her [2Deep:  Let me guess… you cheated….lmao!]
• James F: had sex with her cousin or kickin her out the car and she had to find a another way home [2Deep:  I’m ready to come whoop your ass my damn self. WHO DOES THAT SHIT?!]
•  kuerby E: cheat…..
•  Ryu C-Keyz:  probably cussed her out and walked off for the night. Hey, I’m the type you snap at me, I snap back. I don’t sit back and take it.
•  Allen Ozark:  nothing. I am the world’s last remaining humanist and a perfect gentleman. i have a universal dimmer switch that only works one way – brighter and brighter – wear your shades baby, wear your shades. [2deep: *side eye* *raised eyebrow*]
• Terrance L:  cheated sexy, what about you as a woman in a relationship [2Deep:  Negro, this isn’t about me…lol]
•  Mr. U. G. Bilbo: The worse thing I’ve done was flirted with another woman and got her number while my girlfriend was around me
•  Ed M:  talk back; being a smart ass [2Deep: Was this your mother? lmao….you are allowed to be a smart ass.]
•  Mr.Swaggtastikal:  I LIED AND TOLD MY EX THAT I WAS STILL WORKING WHEN I KNEW I GOT FIRED…. [2deep: It wasnt so bad to be fired… it’s the fact that you lied that made it bad. CONFESS MAN!!!]
• *~ MR SPONTANEOUS ~PEACE*!!: Betrayed her by not telling her i was still legally married but has been separated for over a year….. [2Deep: I shall remain silent…..but know I am thinking something]
• ~Taylor Gang~Jay Kahlifa:  cheat….and that was the biggest mistake i ever made in my life [2Deep:  I’m sorry… the bitter bitches couldn’t hear you. Could you please speak up. lol]
• 6’5 & NICE WIT IT: GAVE THE DUMMY A CHANCE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP [2Deep:  Playing devil’s advocate here… but what does that make you for giving the chance? lmao! j/k]
• corey: fake the big O.lol [2Deep:  Can guys even do this? WHY? I applaud you for evening admitting it. lmao!]
• Ddouble R: put [her] out of my car with her bags in tow at the Maryland house. [2deep: *Researches Marland House…… YOU DROPPED HER OFF AT A REST STOP LOCATED IN THE CENTER OF I-95?!!!!!! I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY TRAFFIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *wooosah* Okay… this was in the distant past…. I hope.)

        Okay… so there are a ton of cheating guys running around. KEEP HOPE ALIVE LADIES!!!! *Turns on Disney movies* I mean really… I was done at a guy admitting to faking an orgasm. I mean… what purpose would that serve? Did she find out that he faked the orgasm? Did you tell her that you came? How horrible was she sexually that you had to fake it? Was she ugly? Was she loose and you found out one it was time to lay it down and it turned you off? DId you fake it to speed up the process? Oh shit, I am way off topic… .but that one stumped me. lmao

 

        Also, I see that there are a ton of simple bitches walking along the highway. It would have been a Chris Brown Rhianna situation going on in that car if a negro EVER tells me that I have to get out and walk. He would have to physically put me out and then I am pressing charges and causing a scene. Who does that?!!!! *blood boiling* I know I asked for honesty…. but damn it I got it. Just ticks me off. So… to help me get over this part, I asked them to tell me this:

What was one of the WORST things that a female has done to you while in a relationship? How did it make you feel?

See ladies, I was fair….lol. The fellas said:

• Tyrone E: Let her brother who was on drugs steal money and property from and protect him and say ‘o u know he got a problem” I was pissed and that is why she is an ex today
• K-LUST THE WILDEST MOUTH!: HAVE MY DAUGHTER AROUND ANOTHER MAN! IT MADE ME WANNA KNOCK BOTH OF EM OUT!
• !James!:  She went back to her ex, she say it was for the kids. She wanted me to stay in the background. I did and eventually she left him for her safety. It’s harder to trust, I keep 1 eye open at all times.
• ”DUKE” BANNER: I WAS DOING OFF SHORE OIL RIGGING AND WHEN I LEAVE THIS SCOUNDREL WOULD BRING A JOE TO THE HOUSE I WAS MORE ASHAME BECAUSE ALL HE DID WAS DRINK STAYED WITH HIS MOTHER TALKING ABOUT SHE GOT HI AND SHE KNEW HIM AND IT STARTED FROM THERE
• Tony Raymond **CANDIDA whores me**:  Cheat but i just come to learn ALL sexes knows what they WANT but never what they NEED…even if your mouth say you need this or that because they always go after what they want…
• Tori A:  cheated on me w/ someone I [thought] was a good friend
• DJ Urban Cowboy: My most recent ex took my phone and decided to rummage through my txts… Big no no in my book.
• Kip S:  Forget my birthday after being in a relationship with me for over a year.

 

       You know what they say… hurt people, hurt people. Yes, some of this is funny to read, but it still doesn’t make ANY of it right. At what point are people going to be honest with themselves about what they want, what they need, and what the other person is offering. I think if hoes would admit to being hoes they could find each other. There are sugar daddies out there for the gold diggers, but leave the good boys and girls alone. Stick to your own kind. It is just point less for all of this to go on. We are just creating more hurt people all the while wondering why you can’t find a good one. YEs, I am prepared to fuck the chick(s) up who dare hurts my future husband… I will hunt you down! lol. TRY ME!

Okay, this is getting depressing, but it was an interesting write-up. Hope you enjoyed…. on to the next one.

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

200 Men Said….Let a Man be a Man

        So, recently I wrote 2 blogs An Independent Woman’s Place [<~Click Here] and [Click Here~>] Deuces Dos & Donts, and the answers that I got back from them had a lot in common; Let the Man be a Man. WTF!? I have no clue what that means. I am just being honest. People say it all the time, but is there a Wikipedia page about letting a man be a man? Is it different in different cultures? Should the woman go by her culture or learn what that means in her man’s culture? Can you upgrade it? Find it on Amazon? WHAT!!!? You can’t come at me all ambiguous and what not. Didnt you tell me that one of the things that women need to do is to communicate EXACTLY what we are thinking because you can’t read our minds? Guess what…this doesn’t mean what you think it means. So, what does it REALLY mean to “let a man be a man”?

        Okay…I’m a big girl, I can admit when I need help. So, I needed help trying to figure out what this meant. Because in all honesty, in woman code, this translates to “Shut up woman and fix me some food”. You might as well call me a bitch and put me in geisha make-up. The phrase almost implies that a woman has the power to stop you from being a man, which then suggests the question of “why should I be with you if I can stop you from being a man?”. No, don’t shoot the messenger… I’m just saying…this phrase is looking a little swiss cheese-ish to me.

        Well, when I hear it I speculate that he means that he needs to be in control at that moment, or that I have stepped on his manhood a little too much. That is all I can do….. speculate. But… I also think that there are several different ways to let a man be a man, and each one is a sign of how much of a man the woman is dealing with. For instance, my godmother has this way of politely saying my godfather’s name that will shut the sentence down and change the topic. She was letting him be the man, in my opinion, but not embarrassing him nor letting him embarrass himself. He still got to maintain his pride. I have never , and I mean NEVER seen her raise her voice at him. Now what goes on in the privacy of that bedroom when you hear her call his name politely down the hall….that is on them. I am sure they have had disagreements… I have never seen it. The one thing that I have caught by accident is when my dad left his wallet at home after she reminded him to get it, he didn’t. So we’re at the restaurant and he is entertaining friends and family and the check comes. My mother knew what was about to happen, and I saw her playing around in her purse and then she slipped her credit card under the table and into his lap under his hand without missing a beat. THAT was letting my father remain a man so that he could place the card on the table and pay the bill. But, in letting him be a man, she had to be a woman to see what was needed and assist him. I have a STRONG feeling that guys around my age don’t see that as the definition of Letting a Man be a Man. So I asked them.

I asked my 200 Men…..

On my last question I saw pretty much the same response. What does “let the man be the man” mean to you and what should a woman do, or not do, to let the “man be the man”? 

        And since I never read the comments until I come back through to edit the formatting of the post…. I have no clue what you are about to read. The 200 Men Said….

• Danny P: All of this isn’t this complicated. When it’s right, the two involved in the relationship are who they are and the couple is still one. All this [means is] let [it] be [the way in] which [it] is… if [letting] the person be who they are is [them being a ] cheating fool or something… well uh duh
• Allen Ozark:   ??? not sure.
•  Nigi “Pistol Star” Pu Yi: Its means, let the man think he’s in control even if you’re in control. Also, all duties that are designed for a man…let him do them even if you’re better. Eventually, if he’s a real man he’ll admit that you’re better at whatever and come to you for assistance, and rightfully so. [2Deep: This man never ceases to amaze me. But let him be in control even when he isnt…..isnt that lying? lol. Okay, Lie to my man. Check!]
• DSMILEY1: Let the man be the man: in charge of houses chores like cutting the grass & washing the cars. Sometimes its good to switch out but [it] wouldn’t be the same
• : !: it means if you have a Real Man, he leads the household in decisions..basically the King..but that doesn’t mean he is a tyrant. He should listen to advice from his wife and make good decisions. Basically, the way the Bible portrays it.
• Lateef25:  maybe not nag so much about what you want. just tell him in a nice way or let it go
• Kycajrome L: I believe [it] comes from the Old school archetype of when the Man was the provider and fixer of everything in the household…depending how a man was raised some still hold those values ,times are a little diff, but old or new ,Respect is what a MAN wants
• on the rocks…: that statement is self explanatory.far be it for a man to explain what it is to be a man.especially to woman these days. they seem to have their own blueprint for us.lol ..check every 3rd female profile and it’ll have a laundry list of what a “REAL” man is

        Now you all know that I wasnt going to just STOP at some of these answers. So some side conversations came from them and they went a little something like this:

• Vince V: I think that those answers are coming from men who feel insecure about their position in the household and basically wants the woman to run everything through him and let him have the final say so in what goes on in their relationship. when in my opinion a secure man who has good communication with his partner would trust his woman to be able to act as an extension of him to make good decisions with both his and her best interest at heart , but communication being the key. [2Deep: I simply love this answer…. he can stay…lmao]
• Me: Sooooooooooo I noticed you said that a “woman to be able to act as an extension of him” What does that mean? And why cant it be the other way around? Just playing devil’s advocate here
• Vince V: ok miss devil’s advocate….lol   Traditionally the man would always be considered the head of the household because he was the bread-winner. but as times have changed and women have become less dependent on men; whether it be cause of equality between men and women, or financial responsibilities within a relationship. the level of the playing field has evened out, and either one could be considered the “head”. but sticking with tradition, even though the field is even, with the male being the head; any actions performed by the woman would be considered “okayed” by the man, to anyone outside that relationship. which would mean she was just doing it for him cause he cant get to it. Now it can work the other way around but then that would not be a traditional type relationship, plus then you might  have a man with a really hurt ego about holding up the appearance of being the man of the house.
• Me: Soooooooo what is a woman not suppose to do without her man’s permission?
• Vince V: have sex with someone else….j/k lol   a woman doesn’t need her man’s permission to do anything….but a woman or a man in a good relationship keeps open lines of communication with each other. especially when decisions that are to be made affect one another.
• Me: Okay….so to let a man be a man is to keep an open line of communication with him. That’s it? ( I swear you’re gonna get sick of me…lol) But I am trying to make sure that I understand before I post it.
• Vince V: no, to let a man be a man is to let him run everything and make all the decisions and don’t question the things that he does. but i would personally like having the input of my woman in every decision that i make for us, and vice versa .
• Me: How is THAT being a man?!!! That sounds like a dictatorship!!!!! OH I SWEAR YALL WILL BE SINGLE FOR LIFE WITH THAT ATTITUDE!!! lmao
• Vince V: that is just the way life has traditionally put men with women. but like i said, as for me ,i like having the input of my woman cause i feel like it keeps us closer and more in touch with each other
• Me: Gotcha! No prob….. I thought that you had great insight… My readers should hear it. Oh.. wait.. my fault. I didn’t let the man be the man. *submits* am I allowed to put your comment on my page? lmao!

        Vince V was my favorite response, but I simply had to post my comments from Chub L. He keeps me cracking up and yet he still knows when to be serious. So here are his responses:

• Chub L: Let the man be the man – let him get that door etc… Let him do for you what you shouldn’t have to do for yourself as his queen.
• Me: That was your answer…. so what am I not suppose to do for myself as his queen?
• Chub L:In the world that we live in today – It’s basically everybody for themselves, but my queen shouldn’t have to get her own door, ever. Everything else is pretty much up for grabs. I don’t have a problem with a woman’s independence at all. Whatever my independent queen will allow me to do for her is gravy. No qualms here. I’m open-minded – we can get the darn door for each other.
• Me: So, it really is that important to a man to feel needed in a relationship? But is it just with tangible things? Does a man ever feel the need to be needed emotionally? Meaning, if she doesn’t want you to get the door but needs you to hold her every night… would you feel like less of a man?
• Chub L: Being emotionally needed is even more of a necessity. The Queen needs for her king to not only be her rock while she’s awake -but to rock her to sleep and all the more rock her while she’s asleep. It is for the good of both. If my queen is kept happy then hence I will also be kept happy.
• Me: So, then… why do you think so much emphasis is placed on a man doing tangible things versus him being there for her in the emotional times?

• Chub L : I haven’t got a clue – I can only speak for me – I do both. Many swear that what one does or demonstrates declares what they feel. That is true BS – we as human beings still need to hear and feel what mere tangible things can never satisfy.

        Soooooooo are you still as confused as I am? I don’t want to be alone, so don’t leave me out here alone on Confusion Island. I mean, I get it…. but I don’t get it. So, as long as I allow my man to do “things” for me, then he feels like a man and all is gravy. So, I shouldnt have to touch a door in the presence of a man, pull out a chair, or cut my grass ( I don’t know, so I am halfway there), and let him make all of the decisions. I have a feeling that there is a gray area here that is in need of a dye job. It can’t be that friggin simple. So if I live by these few rules I am allowing my man to be a man? SWEET!

        Okay, all jokes aside. I think it all boils down to respect. Do I respect my man to hear him out when he verbalizes his needs? Do I validate him when needed? Does he have an equal part in this relationship? I think THAT is where his concerns lay. Anything else is a dictatorship and it isnt going to happen over here. Respect for Respect should be the basis on which this blog should be concluded to. And Scene.

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

200 Men Said….An Independent Woman’s Place

        So, while on Twitter I asked some of my female followers to hit me up with questions that they wanted my 200 men to answer and I have several questions to ask until I die…lol. But one was in reference to the place of an independent woman in a relationship. Other questions trickled from that one question, but this post will be specifically about an independent woman in her relationship.

*Cues Ne-Yo‘s Miss Independent* or read yesterday’s blog Lyrically Speaking:Lyfe Jennings~Hero [<~Click to Read]

        Often times we hear how you have to be an independent woman, learn to stand on your own two feet, don’t rely on a man because all men are dogs yadda, yadda, yadda. Then on the flip side, we must learn how to Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man. How can I when no one is wanting to give up the man code? lol. Just kidding. But in all seriousness…. the world, right on down to the Bible thumpers, would have you believing that in order to be in a committed relationship you must relinquish your feminine family jewels and trade them in for a hot stove, bare feet and Kate plus 8. How 50’s is that. My last name is NOT Stepford. So, are we allowing the world to tell females everywhere that they cannot excel in order to make a man’s ego feel at ease just to have a relationship? I hope not, because then I am going lesbian.

        There has to be a balance, right? There has to be a time where a woman can handle business like a strong and independent woman during the day and be able to submit to her man. Notice I said submit.. not bow down to, not stand behind, not be belittled by. I left my father’s house because I was grown… I BE DAMNED if I go into another man’s house and feel as if I can’t be the strong person that MY FATHER raised me to be in opposition of many of these knuckle heads. So, you actually have the good fathers to blame…lol. And yes, I know I am exaggerating, but if the exaggeration can be handled then everything else will be cleared up in its path as well.

So…. 200 Men were asked:

 Often times black women are made to feel bad for being independent women. Do you think that there is a place for an independent woman in a relationship w/ a man or does she have to change? 

        Ladies, back away from anything that has breath and high levels of testosterone. TRUST ME on this one. I havent even read the comments yet, I never read them before I write my part, so I have no clue what is going to be said.

My men responded with:

• DSMILEY1: I like independent women because it makes us grow faster & makes life easier on choices we make together
• Chub L: There is nothing wrong with being independent, but also allow a real man to be the man. Hey it’s truly a new day in our wonderful society for different levels off independence, but chivalry does not have to die in order for independence to live.
• Kycajrome L: I almost want to say this is a silly question but, I know better, LOL so i’ll say if  [you’re] independent you won’t feel bad about being you (with out an attitude)…if some else can’t handle it….
• MIAMI’S SON IS BACK !!!:  are u serious !! you took the time to ask me that dumb ass question!! but its called self-esteem, meaning the esteem of ones self. so if you have to ask that question, then your not independent !!!! your a poor excuse of a person [2Deep: I had to rip him a new one separately. Funny how people assume that all of these questions are personally mine. I have women sending me questions on Twitter, and even if someone asks, it could be for research purposes and it doesn’t make them dumb.. like this ass! That’s why I am not going to correct his grammar errors. Because if you’re going to call someone else dumb you might want to know how to use “you’re”…lmao!]
• !: Never a problem for an independent woman being in a relationship but when it comes to the household, she needs to realize the man is the head of household, it’s a reason God set it that way…just like in all other species. You [can’t] have 2 leaders.
• dorrance: yes but u have 2 make time for each other if not then, no, it wont work
• DJ Urban Cowboy: I don’t think any [man] wants a woman who can’t support herself. There is little room to flaunt or boast your independence. If  [you’re] so independent that you have to boast about it, then you don’t need your man.
• Marcel: If a woman would allow herself to be made to feel in such a manner because of her independence then that is not at all a woman. A woman knows what its is in which she desires, wants and deserves.
• Code Name Bigsexy: THERE IS ROOM.BUT I THINK THE WOMAN STILL HAS TO LET THE MAN BE THE MAN
• Vince V: Yes there is a place for her. as long as she is not always throwing it up in the mans face like she doesnt need him for anything and vice versa. because that would be a lie. to make a “relationship” work it takes 2 people, being there for each other mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially. and no neither person should have to change period unless they want to for some reason. i embrace the independent black women. i think that Ne-Yo, Jamie Foxx, and Fabolous state it best in Ne-Yo’s “Independent Remix”

 My FAVORITE ANSWER CAME FROM:

• CHRIST- O: I DONT WANT A WOMAN THAT CANT STAND ON HER OWN. AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN HAS A GLOW ABOUT HER THATS WHY SHE STANDS OUT IN A CROWD. TWO INDEPENDENT PPL MAKE A GREAT COUPLE.

Get your glow on ladies!!!

Okay… so I lied.. I ended up reading this one as I was going back and editing. I love this one too:

• Prestige “The One And Only”: She never has to change, a real woman will never have to compromise who she is naturally. Independent, stubborn, opinionated…is sexy and a black woman will and should remain such while still being able to allow a man to play his role as a provider.

(This comment sparked another question that will come up in a future blog. [Will post link Here])

        And of course, when a response catches my attention, I have to jump in and get clarification. So I began a conversation below:

• Mr. Mayor**DARKSTARZ INC PREZ**: I know I’m late on this one but I had to really think on it… I don’t think there is anything wrong with an independent woman in or out of a relationship but I don’t think some woman should get into a relationship if they just feel like they don’t want someone they can lean on when they need too. Some women take it to a certain level that can sometimes make their man or anybody feel unnecessary…. Just for example, sometimes the simplest thing like allowing a man to open a door for them… I have experienced women who actually give off an attitude when I have tried to do things like that… And I’m like “Wow, you don’t even want your door opened? That makes you less independent?” And I just think women go overboard with the “Independent Woman” thing.
•  Me: How are they going overboard?
• Mr. Mayor**DARKSTARZ INC PREZ**: They are going overboard because they are starting to take men being polite and chivalrous as trying to impede on their independence. 
• Me: Oh okay, so how does it make you feel when a woman does that? And how can she be independent and make her man feel validated at the same time?
• Mr. Mayor**DARKSTARZ INC PREZ**: Everybody wants to feel needed by the person they are with and any real man would be impressed with a woman who can handle her own but if she makes him feel as though he is unnecessary that’s when it gets to be a problem… It’s the simple things… let him open a door, lift a box, yes a woman can do it for herself but a gentleman should never let her. I’m begging women in my life now to do their part in reviving and keeping chivalry alive.
• Me:  So it makes you feel needed? And you like doing those things? Do you ever think to give her emotional support too? Or must it always be tangible things?
• Mr. Mayor**DARKSTARZ INC PREZ**: I’m not in a relationship now… but when I was I was more than capable of giving emotional support… but try giving that to a woman who feels like she being babied if a man is just concerned about her. For example I may say “baby are you alright?” because I sense something is wrong with her… her response may be something like “don’t worry about me I’m gonna always be ok… So what am I here for if I don’t or can’t do anything for you?
• Me: So, That is a testament to the type of woman who you chose to be with… that is NOT an independent woman. That is a dysfunctional female…lmao!
• Mr. Mayor**DARKSTARZ INC PREZ**: Well when they are addressed they identify themselves as independent woman… and if that the case I would hate to view every woman who came off  “overly independent” as “dysfunctional women” But I will if I have too…LOL Now on the other hand if you are implying that “independent women” as a whole have perfect balance we would have to agree to disagree and I would do so purely from my personal experiences.
• Me: I disagree because a person who must announce does not or is not. You don’t go around on a daily basis shouting “I’m a Man!” So, if she feels she is truly independent people will tell her, but you will never hear her cast that title on herself. It is the imbalanced and dysfunctional females playing dress-up in a real woman’s clothing that feel the need to shout how independent that they are. Because, in all honesty, an independent woman can’t wait for a man… THE RIGHT MAN…to come along and compliment her strength. When she feels safe enough, she will hand him her entire load and gladly let him have it so that she can be power woman at the office and a catered woman at night. So again… we mustn’t let our experiences overshadow the facts of the matter. If I let my experiences with dudes overshadow the facts of what a man is supposed to be…..we wouldnt even be having this conversation. So I’ll continue to separate dogs from men if you promise to separate faux females in dress-up mode from independent women. Because Independent woman does not mean independent from the love and support of a man, it means she is independent from the stereotypes placed on her by association with her gender and excels in spite of barriers.  Capiche?
• Mr. Mayor**DARKSTARZ INC PREZ**: Capiche! You have my word and trust I’m not saying that I don’t have hope that I will one day find a woman of that caliber I just can’t speak on what hasn’t happened… But my eyes, heart and mind are open the very possibility of that opportunity…
• Me: Until then… you can’t say that you have come in contact with an independent woman then. You have come in contact with women who are trying to prove that they are independent and failing miserably. lol

         And then it hit me….. these guys are responding the way that they are because there are imposters out there wearing an Independent Woman’s clothes! Yes…. just as there are boys out there sporting a man’s attire, we have imposters on the woman’s side as well. So, the guys aren’t upset with a true independent woman, but rather her flunkie; her wanna be. This is completely understandable. And unfortunately, there is no way to show him what an independent woman is because much like good men, by the time the people who need to them they have stopped believing in their existence it is seeming too late because the indepedent women have given up.  But there is hope.. I know there is. Like I said above, if I havent let me viewpoint of a man change because of a few bad ones, I just ask that men not let their view of the independent woman be tainted because a few imposters just can’t get it right. Each person is an individual and independent of your past relationships and experiences…. this is my belief.

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

Advice from the Other Woman

WARNING: SUPER LONG BLOG, BUT HONEST & INSIGHTFUL!!!!

       Ignorance is bliss. It is also the gateway for you to get Punk’d. For Ashton, prior to allegations of his cheating on Demi, and his entire camera crew to walk right into your relationship and rob you of any stability that you once thought you had. Except for this time, Ashton is dressed in 4 inch heels, rocking a Prada dress so short she could catch pneumonia in her good-goods, while sexting the person you said “I love you” to 5 minutes ago or “I do” to 24 hours ago…and her name is Ashley, or Kendra, or Stephony, Latrell, Keisha, Tanisha, Tabitha, a low-life hoe named Angel, Bootasia…..etc. You catch my drift. For this blog, the aforementioned home wreckers shall be called OWs (Other Women). All OWs are assumed innocent until proven hoochies.

        The odds of your man cheating on you are about as high of a possibility as him enjoying  himself as he “exfoiliates” his genital region in the shower each morning.  With such a high possibility, the probability of this happening lowers by the set of morals that your man has, how many fugly women are in your community, and how ugly your man is to the beautiful women in the community. The stakes are raised,however, by the number of desperate women there are, your man’s income (despite how unattractive he is), and any rumors that may be in circulation about his sexual accomplishments. Since the latter scenario is higher than the prior…toss in a bitter black woman &, honey….. your man might cheat.

        But what is cheating to you? To the insecure broad, cheating could be him turning his head in the direction of a beautiful woman as she sashays by her man in the mall. To the “I don’t need a man, but be happy that I chose you” woman, cheating may be him assisting a woman with her grocery bags to the car…I mean after all, his hands were free since his woman chose to do it all herself. To the average woman, cheating could be him sharing himself emotionally with another female, showing a side of himself that he has never shown to her. But to every woman….cheating also means any form of sexual contact or interaction with a woman other than the one who claims you ( on or off the record). Wow…. each scenario is like Melanie’s & Derwin’s entire relationship on The Game.

Note to the fellas: If we slept together…. we go together!

My advice to all of the above are as follows:

1. Dear Insecure Broad, what the hell is wrong with you? She is beautiful, yes. But the turning of your man’s head does NOT, I repeat to the self-esteem challenged, does NOT equate to infidelity. It lets you know that all of your man’s man parts are working. And if you thought she was cute, and he thought she was cute too, then damn… y’all agree on something. Which means, if you think that you are cute + she was cute + he thought she was cute then that may = him thinking that you are cute too. Instead of jumping on the dude and starting to count his condoms ( please tell me you use condoms!!!) take this as an opportunity to eavesdrop on what it is that catches your man’s attention. But do NOT take this as an opportunity to alter your physical or personal style to match, just take inventory, and store it for that special moment; almost like a treat. Of course, there is an exception, if your guy turns his head and forgets to turn it back in your direction… then you have reason to think that he is disrespectful, but until then… chill like Jada does when Will checks out beautiful women. She’s not trippin…because he isn’t going ANYWHERE!

   Dear Next Millenium Bionic Woman, why are you even with a man if there is nothing that he can do for you? There is a thin line in being independent and competent and being borderline butch. Unless your name is Craig and his is Earl, there is only ONE penis in this relationship…allow his to hang, have some breathing room to sway, and do what it is that he was designed to do.  Yes, men should love strong women…I get that, but if you are too strong they may be tempted to check for an Adam’s apple or flee. Just chill….you and I both know that women can do any and everything that we want to do, the catch is to not let HIM know that, or remind him all the damn time. This will definitely turn a seemingly innocent act of chivalry ( assisting with groceries) into a weekly rendezvous in the produce aisle. Your man assisting another woman should get you hot… not hot-headed but…turned on, just because you know that every woman wants a man like yours. Dont be so strong that you assist in giving him a hand in jumping over the fence to greener pastures, nor get so laid-back that you turn in to chick from #1. Think…. Charlize Theron in Hancock!

   Dear Average Woman, Men are not emotional creatures…….to us. They cry in the dark and throw their feelings into the very same closets that R Kelly hides his midget porn. Get over it. They still have feelings, and just be thankful that he has found a healthy person to share his emotions with. Trust me, I know that it hurts like hell because you want to be there to share everything with him… but as long as she only gives him a shoulder to lean on to express himself, then baby..yeh I’ll say it again….get over it. It doesn’t mean that he is cheating, it just means that you have YET to learn this side of him. There are things you tell your girlfriends that you don’t tell him…. TRUST ME. I know for a fact that you didn’t tell your man your thoughts about the size of the strippers’ worthy of mentioning unmentionables from Asia’s bachelorette party. So, as long as he is still communicating with you, just let that be his safe haven until he is on his death-bed and reveals that he absolutely hates your cooking but loves you for the attempt. You mustn’t also forget the billions of times he tried to tell you the truth, you didn’t listen and swore he was lying anyway…. that, too, may be the reason he doesn’t tell you -ish.Just saying…. don’t shoot the OW, learn how to listen.

   Girl…. WHat?! That N!&&@ did what?!!!! Cheated with an OW?!*sharpens Cutco, puts on Vaseline, *Hair in pony tail. Puts on CSI crime scene, able to catch my DNA, approved vest and grabs Lorraina Bobbet Emergency Kit. Next.

       I know for a fact that there are several more scenarios, but I havent gotten to that portion of my therapy sessions yet, so these will have to do.  And I know you are wondering how do I know these things… well… I was once …well… the enemy. Yes, I was once an OW. Much to my defense, not that I need any because I know how to fight… & WELL…. ask about me. Dang, where was I? Oh, yeh…. much to my defense, I didn’t even know that I was the OW ( The Fantasia Defense).  So I learned several tricks of the trade from being on the other side of the fence. If nothing more I learned:

UNLESS THE OW IS A FAMILY MEMBER< BEST FRIEND<THIRD COUSIN TWICE REMOVED BY MARRIAGE ON YOUR PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER’S SIDE……. DONT YOU EVER TAKE YOUR DRAMA TO THE DOORSTEP OF THE OW!!!!!!

       Unless she comes to your doorstep bringing the pain…. you keep within restraining order distance away from her. There are several reasons:

1. You are NOT sleeping with the OW. She didn’t break your heart, break any vows, or directly give you an STD. She may not have even known you existed.

2. Fussing with the OW gets your man off the hook. He learns NOTHING. Actually, he is banking on telling you that she has lost her mind and is just a groupie, and that he told her several times to stop calling him. STOP… wait a minute… how did she even get his number? And “I DONT KNOW” does not suffice as an answer. (Exception to the rule: There are some crazy females out there.. trust in your man , your relationship, and your inner female intuition to see if this number actually applies to you.  If by chance she is crazy, collect $200 for bail money, go past GO & I give you permission to whoop that trick!)

3. Fighting with her makes you come up out the pocket and let both her and him know that you are now hurt. This is war woman, you don’t let the enemy know you are coming. SHUT UP AND PLAY THE WAY BIG MAMA TAUGHT YOU HOW TO PLAY; tight thighs , and even tighter lips with clenched fists.

4. You need to be a big girl and face what is really going on. Beating up some random chick Jerry Springer style will only make you feel better momentarily.

       All of this to say…. you have to think like us. And as a smart OW…I held on to evidence from 2004! Real talk, I have Yahoo! Messenger conversations still on floppy disk….lmbo!!!! There’s nothing like a swift Facebook note containing evidence of something he once said in a playerlistic manner to ruin his whole damn day! lol. Sorry, that got funny as I had a flash back. Keep us close, meaning us OWs. It’s when you can’t see us that we are able to do the most damage. I can say this now as a looooooooong ago reformed OW. It is never my intent to be an OW, but should the situation arise… you respect me and I shall respect you. Hell… I’ll even help you torch the cheating son of biscuit eating bulldog. But it is when you disrespect me ( assuming that I’ve been respectful) that your cards will come crashing down faster than you can get the panties off of Montana Fishburne, My cousin, and Paris Hilton in a panty dropping contest. Believe me, my cousin is FAST, my money is on her!  Again, you ladies would NOT believe the things that your guy tells us, in efforts to make us think that he is single, the marriage isn’t working, you’ve changed, and the list goes on. For example (actual messages below from a guy not too long after he got married. The identity of the stupid has been changed to protect the innocent):

• 4:16:29 PM Stupid Dude###336: i had just looked at your profile before i went to sleep (why is this guy who is married stalking my profile before he went to sleep?)
• 4:24:13 PM Stupid Dude###336: i know I am married and I have a good woman by my side…
  4:24:55 PM Stupid Dude###336: but I had a great woman when I was with you and I miss my great woman
• 4:27:25 PM Stupid Dude###336: i’m happy with what I have here but I always will wonder what if (then if you are happy…. why are you always trying to get me into romantic conversations? I’m not falling for it playa! My game is stronger than yours, besides… I’ve moved on & let you go a long time ago)
• 4:29:06 PM Stupid Dude###336: i understand that you let go
  4:29:16 PM Stupid Dude###336: but dammit it’s not easy to let go
  4:29:27 PM Stupid Dude###336: i try and try but i can’t (well try a little harder buddy…b/c it ant happening here!)

       Yadda yadda yadda. We discuss how he has a history of not really being faithful. How he treats women, and I congratulate him on finally settling down & getting married. The conversation then goes:

• 4:30:17 PM Me: but I applaud [her] for being that woman who finally got you to do it
  4:30:35 PM Stupid Dude###336: she didn’t get me to do it
  4:30:51 PM Me: no, meaning that she loved you to a point where you felt the need to do it
  4:31:13 PM Stupid Dude###336: lol…you don’t understand
• 4:31:33 PM Stupid Dude###336: i felt that I would never get you back… and I…..SETTLED

       Yes, you read correctly. The negro said he settled with his wife. But nothing beats my favorite! My friend told me that a guy once told her that the only reason he married his wife was because he “ran out of rope”! lmao!He was an older gentleman and didn’t want to waste two more years getting into another relationship and he didn’t want to be an old father, so he married his current girlfriend even though he didn’t love her. But I digress. I continue to go on to say how foul he is, this isn’t right, she doesn’t deserve this, the nerve of this nigga [pardon my Ebonics]!!!!! etc.  I mean, did he really think that saying this about his NEW wife was going to make me drop all common sense and take him back? I mean really, if you would say this about your wife….what they hell do you say behind my back about me? But as I said, you would be amazed at what they tell us….continue….

• 4:36:05 PM Stupid Dude###336: So in saying that ,I am glad I settled because it took for me to settle to realize what a good woman I have…
• 4:37:19 PM Stupid Dude###336: I don’t treat her like i used to, i try to do everything [in] my power to show her on a daily basis that I love her, but in the back of my mind I always wonder what if

       So you see, from what I posted, and from what I REFUSE to post…. we hear it all. And this is the PG stuff that I can post. I never wanted him back after seeing how he still treated women, but that didn’t keep him from trying to turn me into an OW. Even if I didn’t know that the other girl existed… I highly doubt that I would have dated this person again. Just something about him rings “lie”. OWs become the other person because the guy feels that he is missing out on something. He gets greedy, or gets scared of commitment and he freaks out and goes in search of an OW. He said everything above, I don’t have the power in me as an OW to make him say this…..much like you don’t have the power to keep him around if he doesn’t want to stay. You have to look out for you…because that is EXACTLY what an OW and your man are doing. Why should you be the only one not being taken care of? But I digress…back to the advice.

        Outside of the obvious, don’t tell your woes to an OW. A reformed OW will tell you to think it out on your own, dig inside your heart and think about what is best for you and your future…. a triffling OW will prompt you to unlock the door so she can help you pack your ish as she cases out how her earring collection will look beautiful on the bedroom dresser. To be honest, I wouldn’t even tell my friends how bad my relationship had gotten unless my husband was OJ, Manson, or George W Bush. There are some things, ladies, that you need to learn to keep to yourself. Because you never know who you could be helping to creep all up and through your situation. An OW doesnt need any additional help, because he’s quick to tell us what it is that you don’t do:

• 5:08:20 PM Stupid Dude###336: i actually sat there last nite and tried to find [what i liked in you ,in her] but y’all are 2 totally different people
  5:08:42 PM Me: you can go play basketball with her, watch sports, go to the club, crack jokes, make nicknames…I don’t do anything special
  5:09:28 PM Stupid Dude###336: she doesn’t play basketball, she doesn’t club, and she doesn’t watch sports for real
  5:10:38 PM Me: I don’t play basketball..I don’t club, and I dont watch sports for real.. you see how much in common we have
  5:11:04 PM Stupid Dude###336: we did all of that…lol
  5:11:30 PM Me: hahahaha… I dont have any basketball skills…lol. that was pretend
  5:11:35 PM Me: I am sure she can do better than me
  5:12:02 PM Stupid Dude###336: that’s not the point…you got out there and you played ball with me

And even faster at telling us how much he dreams about us:

• 5:25:19 PM Stupid Dude###336: we started kissing and you were unbuttoning my shirt and a nigga woke up
  5:25:38 PM Me: lol
  5:25:48 PM Stupid Dude###336: I remember all that cause [wife’s name] said I was moaning in my sleep
  5:25:57 PM Me: wow!!!!!
  5:26:12 PM Me: now watch me get blamed for that mess

       And even when the OW stays in her place, reminds him of what they really are and that nothing more can happen… the man will try reverse psychology:

• 6:27:24 PM Me: any time , friend
  6:27:37 PM Stupid Dude###336: i don’t even want that title
  6:27:46 PM Me: why, friend?
  6:27:55 PM Stupid Dude###336: i come at you like you are doing wrong but you aren’t
  6:28:19 PM Stupid Dude###336: i try to make it seem like all i want is a friend when i know that all I want is you
  6:28:24 PM Stupid Dude###336: by my side
  6:28:31 PM Stupid Dude###336: i’m sorry
  6:28:34 PM Me: friend, I can stand beside you
  6:28:43 PM Stupid Dude###336: stop calling me that
  6:28:49 PM Me: and apology accepted for your confusing yourself
  6:29:12 PM Me: and I will think about [if I will] stop calling you my friend
  6:29:32 PM Me: but i have to say it so I can stay in my place, to stay where I need to be
  6:29:55 PM Stupid Dude###336: well maybe that’s not where you need to be
  6:29:56 PM Me: to remain safe in these dangerous conversations that we keep having, which is so not fair to anyone involved
  6:30:07 PM Stupid Dude###336: true

       And when he saw that  I wasnt budging…. he went back in for the kill. The ” I will tell you how horrible my situation is, even if it really isnt, just so that you can change your mind and do what I want you to do” move. Yes… I call this the “Extra Desperate To Think I’m This Dumb” Tactic:

• 6:45:59 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you have accomplishments…i have a marriage license that don’t mean shit
  6:46:08 PM    Me: why doesnt it mean shit
  6:46:14 PM    Me: it is a marriage license.
  6:46:37 PM    Stupid Dude###336: because the marriage isn’t shit…we don’t do shit for real
  6:46:46 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you have accomplishments i don’t
  6:47:04 PM    Me: I have accomplishments because I refuse to SETTLE!!!!!
  6:47:08 PM    Stupid Dude###336: I won’t be able to have a family
  6:47:17 PM    Stupid Dude###336: just a wife
  6:48:03 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you will have your accomplishments, your husband, and a family…
  6:48:13 PM    Stupid Dude###336: you say you won’t but i believe you will

       Zinger……3 hours later….he just nailed his own coffin….all in hopes of having an OW by his side. He could be lying through his teeth, and very well may have been…..but either way, his words have consequences. I consider this desperate. I know he doesn’t respect his wife…..and he damn sure doesn’t respect me. But this is nothing unusual in the life of an OW. They will stop at NOTHING to try to get us. Some fall for this, the rest of us…. we don’t. But the smart ones keep the evidence for sour, bitter days like today. When you get tired of holding on to someone else’s dirty laundry and you finally decide for them to wash their own emotional shit!

       And I am not innocent in all of this. I said some things here or there that I probably shouldn’t have. But before every conversation was concluded, like this excerpt from another conversation, I let him know how cool I really was with his wife and why nothing could ever go down. Yes,I’m cool with the wife…..dont ask, long story, out of the ordinary, but the girl is mad cool. So I once said to him, (and this is speaking from truth)

• 5:11:21 PM      Me: You would flinch if you knew the number of times that I have plotted to get you away from [wife] and then had to pray for forgiveness because it was only out of jealousy to the fact that she had something that I didnt
  5:11:34 PM    Me: dude… you better be Glad the Lord is always talking to me
  5:11:35 PM    Me: lol
  5:12:05 PM    Stupid Dude###336: You would flinch if you knew the number of times that I have wanted you to get you away from [wife]
  5:12:30 PM    Me: you wanted me to get away from [wife], or you to get away from [wife]?
  5:12:52 PM    Stupid Dude###336: i wanted you
  5:13:26 PM    Me: nah, I wouldn’t flinch… you said it.. the truth of the matter is I didnt believe it because you werent bold nor stupid enough to take measures to follow through with it
  5:13:39 PM    Me: and the funny thing is.. I am too cool with [wife] to even let you do it.
  5:13:47 PM    Stupid Dude###336: i hear ya….
  5:14:34 PM    Me: I dont think that she talks about me behind my back, but I wouldnt be surprised because she has every reason to do so… I’m your ex….but I still will never do anything from my side to give her [reason] to
• 5:53:17 PM    Stupid Dude###336: i mean when you say that you wish you never married me then how do you expect that i would feel?
  5:53:36 PM    Me: ouch
  5:53:42 PM    Me: that is between you… and her
  5:54:18 PM    Me: I want to steer as far away from that conversation as humanly possible.. for soooooo many reasons
  5:55:26 PM    Me: bathroom break..brb
  5:56:12 PM    Stupid Dude###336: if u get mad at me for talking fly to other females but then you talking waaay more fly to other guys and even after we got married then what….
  5:58:47 PM    Me: again
  5:58:56 PM    Me: I am staying faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from that conversation
  5:59:03 PM    Stupid Dude###336: lol…my bad
  5:59:29 PM    Me: I am not touching that one with a ten foot pole…… just not gonna do it

       As you can see, my advice comes from a collage of personal experiences from different relationships and from watching other friends become OWs knowingly or unknowingly. Either way, I sympathize with any woman in a relationship. There is a lure about an OW that keeps the man interested, that keeps his inner hunter wondering if he can capture a woman, and the thrill of the chase and not getting caught. Oddly enough, it doesn’t mean that he loves you any less, it just means that he doesn’t love himself enough to know that working with one great woman is better than having two who hate you. I didn’t invent the game, but several years ago I learned how to play it, and got out before I got burned. I was the main woman trying to keep all of the OWs away and failed miserably, and then he turned around and tried to make me the OW. I wouldn’t let it happen, kept him in the friend zone. But other guys have made me the OW by omitting that they are already in relationships and then me finding out from Myspace, Facebook, or email, or the good old fashion female calling my house cussing me out. So I thought that I would share this with women who are in relationships…..you have to think like your enemy…..that is the only way you will ever win. Pride aside, the best woman doesn’t always win. Sometimes, losing, as in losing your relationship… could be the best thing to ever happen to you, and you will have an OW to thank.

       My intention is not to shock, hurt, damage or destroy any relationship. This is my blog and I write what I want to write as a part of my therapy… and this just happened to be the topic of the day. So don’t blame me if any of these issues show up in your current situation… I AM NOT THE OW. My suggestion is that,since it is my right to write about my life,  if you don’t want to show up in a blog…I suggest you don’t do me dirty…lol. You may not like what I have written, why I chose to write this, or the fact that I even wrote it… but you have to respect the fact that I told the truth. Come hell or high water, I wish someone would have explained OWs to me before my life got snatched from under me. This is like the Confessions of the OW….lol. Men, I swear… can’t live with them, and get 20 years to life without parole if you try to live without them. lmbo!

This has been Advice from the Other Woman…..comments are welcome.

Sincerely,

~*My Mother’s Daughter*~