Okay…..I know I am months, upon months late….but it took some time and some courage for me to finally get the nerve to actually watch this.
As a female who was molested by her own father, I can only imagine what it could feel like for a male to feel like he had to keep the secret of being abused, in any fashion. In my blogs The House My Father Built and a Molestation Survivor Speaks….you can catch a glimpse of my struggle. And even after speaking to my biological father in NOvember for the first time in 15 years….he told me that I made it all up in my mind and that I was brainwashed by family members. WHO DOES THAT?!!!!!!!! He couldn’t face the fact that he was a perverted bastard who once molested his own sister and then continued with me…..he had to attempt to make me feel stupid and as if it was my fault. I refuse to own that, but it is very hard for me shake this part of my past; I don’t even know if I am supposed to.
So I recorded this on my DVR months ago and something is now telling me to watch it….on this EASTER Sunday( I know this is not when you will read this…but it is when I wrote it). Something is about to be resurrected….hopefully the real me. I feel safe enough to watch this. It is time for me to face this beast….and what better way than to watch this episode of Oprah and possibly help some other people.
Now, I didn’t watch the Tyler Perry Episode… I guess I should find a copy of it….but I will deal with what I have thus far.
Take 2 in 5, 4, 3, 2, 2, 2, 2, #Heal
WOW! Just the opening is very daunting. The 200 men holding pictured of themselves when they were first sexually abused in total silence. My heart dropped. I feel like I want to cry, as if I need to cry, but I can’t help but question why I am stopping myself from crying. Maybe it will take away my objectivity. Maybe this isn’t about me…. this is about them, and their story and I shouldnt take the spotlight away from them. But isn’t that what I usually do? I push this topic off on someone else, take the attention away from myself so I don’t have to deal with it? So what should I do? With the DVR on pause……..I don’t know.
Please work with me, as I work with myself, and finish the rest of this episode.
Statistically one in six male children and one in four female children are molested. How scary to know that I have more sorority and fraternity brothers than I should have. But to see the words “Side effects can last a lifetime” flash across the screen hit home so hard……I wish I could yell in my house without waking my roommate. At midnight……the remainder of the world is sleeping and I am facing the Boogey Man.
They showed a snippet of Tyler Perry’s interview and he said, ” I feel like I died”. *heart drop* I couldn’t have said it better. I feel like , at a time when I was supposed to be innocent and exploring life at my own pace, I died and have spent the remaining years digging myself out of the grave. How do you live for a life of death? I am the proof of the living dead, and my interactions with people die before they are ever truly conceived…..today I ask myself…how do I give life in the presence of death?
*Silence* They are describing what happened to them.
And Oprah just said “In speaking the words, you release the shame.” Maybe that is my answer.
The twins, Patrick and Kevin, and what the priest did to them and had them do to each other….. I am not even shocked. I had an ex tell me that he was molested by a neighborhood friend and he took it home and played those same sexual games with his brother and got caught by their father. The beating that his father gave him is one of the reasons why he and his brother are not close still to this day. I’ve heard it. I understood it, didnt condone it, but I understood it. Would I hurt another child, sexually or physically? No, I would not, but the fear of having the opportunity to or being even accused of doing such scares the living daylights out of me. Children mean the world to me and after what I went through… I could never pass that pain on to anyone else. But that is part of the reason why I am afraid to have children; I cant protect them all of the time, nor do I know how to care for them having been through what I have been through. I want to kill my biological father’s blood line…..but with my two wonderful nephews having already been born, I failed in that mission of letting bad blood end.
Oprah said that the “predator goes after who they feel they can take”…….so what about me said that I could be taken? *sigh* I would go see a counselor, but I dont trust those either…..continue. And Tyler said that he forgave the person(s) who did this to him and that was how he took his power back. I told my biological father I forgave him…..but that doesn’t mean that I automatically felt powerful or that I still don’t feel this weight upon my chest….*sigh* A work in progress.
Oprah heard that the definition of forgiveness is “giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” *gavel slam* There it is. That is going to be my new definition of forgiveness.
I am sitting here just watching what happened to Chad and I know EXACTLY what he is going through….went through…well, from a female point of view.
As this show comes to a conclusion….I have more questions than I do answers, but I do know that this is a sign that I need to move forward with my next book idea. I applaud these men…wish I could do more for these men….pray for these men. If there was a way for me to stop child molestation around the world, I would use it in a heart beat. Until then, I pray that we can all move forward towards healing.
Come back to see what my 200 Men Said about their views on male molestation.
Sincerely,
~*My Mother’s Daughter*~
~*2Deep*~ Uncensored! 
Wow!!!!!!! That’s even deeper!!!
Did you get any counseling?
Girl, been there, done that… it’s not as big of a deal as it seems. The blog proves a point… but I wrote this back in April, it is just now posting because I space them out. Really…. I’m fine. But thanks for the concern. It is greatly appreciated.
Congratulations on your rebirth! I know it’s not all what it is cracked up to be but you are getting there, day by day. Although I do not have a molesation story, I do have a rape story that has haunted me for a very long time. I was not only raped once but three times and each time “a little piece of me died” but I kept on going as if it was somehow “my” fault, I never told the authorities, because #1 I was scared and #2, I was in a relationship with them all, they were my man but I know now they were not men, they were rapists. I kept saying no but they took me anyway and afterwards I stayed with at least one of them, the first one was in high school and he threaten to kill me if I told, women go through so much and it hurts me to heard men talk so negativitely about us but that’s a totally different story anyway just like you said, maybe it’s not about “me” right now but it sure felt good to talk/write about it.
I went to school with a girl that was molested by her father and she had a baby by him but her mother stayed with him to the end and the daughter and the mother was pregnant at the same time which makes me wonder how could a mother subject her child/children to that without blowing somebody’s brain out.
Did you tell your mother? What was her reaction? How is it that you and your aunt come to know that you both were being molested? I’ll understand if I am firing too many question at you and you do not want to answer them, I just needed to know how do some get through it.
Another friend of mine had an encounter as well, her father’s best friend molested her and when she told her mom, her mom slapped her so hard it rattled her brain and told her to stop lying on “that” man, can you picture what that did to my friend? She ended up battling an addiction all because her mother rejected her truth!
Gosh, my heart is heavy right now but serene at the same time.
Take your time to finish watching that show because it’s real. I wanted my son to watch it with me to make sure that he’s knows what a victim is and how it becomes possible but he did not want to but I will order it one day to pass it on along to anyone that want or need to see it.
It’s a cold hard world out here and if your children don’t have you, they don’t have anyone.
Hello Donna,
First, I thank you so very much for your openness and your honesty. It gives me more and more courage as I read yoru response. My aunt didnt know about me until I was reunited with my family when I was almost 30 yo. My mother didnt know. She passed away before it began. So my mother is innocent ( to an extent) where that is concerned. but you always wonder if she knew. I woul dlike to think that she didnt. The silence has got to be broken. It takes a brave person to tell. I know that now.
Ms2deep, you are well on your way, just because you can acknowledge it now. I am sorry to hear that you were not able to confide in your mother which makes it more difficult I’m sure but thank goodness you were able to be embraced by your aunt. I am praying for your strength because to look to your protector as just that “your protector” and to have him doing these things to you would/could devastate a child and to add insult to injury, he said you imagined it. May God have mercy on his soul because he’s going to suffer for what he did to you.
I have to wonder if he was molested when he was younger? U know you always wonder how does a person becomes who they are whether it’s good or bad. U know??!
I was not expecting to get so deep this morning but I guess I should have expected that by your name. 🙂
Take care!!!!
Let me get this straight. I didnt get to confide in my mother because it happened AFTER she was deceased. What i meant by my statment is, you wonder if a person knows that they married a molestor, a pervert….. like where there ever signs? It just makes you wonder.
Okay, I get it now, thanks for clearing that up. So she passed away and you were left with HIM and he started up with you. I can see why you are having a hard time, it goes much deeper than what you presented.
I’m sure there were signs, there are always signs.
It doesnt help when you are your mother’s twin.