A “Loc” on Intimacy

In Cupid & Other Myths on 4 January 2011 at 10:51 am


         “I WISH A NEGRO WOULD TOUCH MY HAIR AFTER I GOT IT DONE! “ is heard being yelled from a gaggle of African-American females at a brunch. “He better go get a white girl for that” is the follow-up by the freshly done, mohawked co-signer giving cliché snaps and hi-fives in my imaginary scenario. Yet, imaginary or not….at least ONE African-American sister reading this nodded her head in agreement at the reality of such statements before reaching the sentence about it being a made up scenario. We live here. Somewhere between I Wish A Nigga Would Blvd and Madame CJ Walker Ave where it has become okay for our crown and glory to remain nothing more than a show piece head-dress to be paraded in front of our kings like an artifact in a museum; on display but not to be touched. How’d we get here?

        Did we get to this point from the hours upon hours of sitting next to the stove in the kitchen smelling dinner cook as your mom threatened to burn your neck if you didn’t lean your head all the way to the side as Blue Magic sizzled in your ear? Or was it the reoccurring echo of your mother yelling, “Dont let anyone play in your hair while you are at school” that has somehow follow you into adulthood, long after the threat of lice were gone?  Or was it the old wives tales that your hair carries energy and not just anyone should be playing in your hair like it is recess? Whatever the case may be, if your man is good enough to play all up and through your candy land….why can’t he play in your naps? It sounds so silly once I put it that way doesn’t it? You can sleep with me, but don’t touch my hair. I mean, if we told inner city girls that they needed to care for their bush as much as they do their…well..bush, we may have more virgins in the world and cut down on the world population. Why can a man have sex with us… but can’t touch our hair? Strange…..very , very , strange.

        Knowing the Black woman better than she knows herself ( yes, I’m black), I know for a fact that no matter how liberal she may think that she is… she would rather vote Palin in office with Bush as her VP and McCain as Secretary of Defense before she would ever want to see a Black man with a White woman. It is fact. Even the liberal ones cringe at first sight, evaluate a flaw in her, compare it to the flaw in him and then become okay with it. It’s because we wonder…..what in the hell does she have to make him cross melanin lines and date outside of the cotton field. It is not racial. It is a direct example of confusion between Black males and females personified and in the flesh and we are left to face it.  When not in “mixed company” we share derogatory statements like nigger jokes at a country club amongst ourselves about how the White woman will do the stuff that we wont do , never seeing it as a negative for us but rather a negative for her. This isn’t intended to be racial as it is informative. Its Lisa Lamponelli , Carlos Mencia, Paul Mooney and Richard Prior on stage being copy/pasted into the privacy of our own homes. They say what we think…and even reveal what we have yet to understand.

        I’m not a freak by any stretch of the imagination, but I often wonder what do people get out of the whole “pull my hair” segment of sex, I mean who does that? If this were a question on Jeopardy the answer would be “What is Shit that White people do?”. I’m tender headed. I don’t like to comb my hair when I HAVE to yet alone allow a guy to grip and cause alopecia traction baldness in a heat of passion. So what do people get out of that? I am soooooo serious when I ask this question. Outside of kinky violence, I can’t see much else being received from it. Or can I?… Nope, I can’t. But I do have a serious question to ask, a few actually.

        Black ladies…..do you think that we lose a huge portion of our intimacy with our Black men because we often refuse to let them touch our hair? I mean… think about it. To a guy, touching your hair is a subtle way of him sending you a signal that he is feeling you. Swimming or sexual encounters in bodies of water or the shower is on the top of many men’s fantasy lists; seen Baywatch Lately? Men go crazy as a woman does a slow walk out of the water and pushes her hair out of her face. The slow hair blow as a woman gets out of the car was designed by a man, for a man as a way to seduce him via Yaky 1b natural. Yet, ladies…. most of us do not partake in any of these activities. I don’t care if a woman is natural or creamy cracked out…. several will not let her man touch her hair. WE have built up this impermeable wall of Pink Oil Moisturizer and Jam that most black men have learned before they were able to pee directly into the bowl that they do not touch a black woman’s hair. We have unconsciously trained our future kings that they can touch everything on his future queen’s body but her crown. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?

       I mentioned this to my big brother on Sunday, and I promise you that if he had wings he would have jumped off the sofa in agreement and flown away. For a moment it looked as if he had caught the Holy Ghost, but it was just frustration releasing. He wasnt even paying attention to my side conversation with his wife…. but I ‘ll be damned if he wasnt fully listening now! lol. I wish I had recorded it just so that women could see the amount of energy and excitement he expressed to finally have a black women expressing his same sentiments. He said, “I would even go as far as to say that THIS (not touching a black woman’s hair) is why SOME black men date outside of the race.” There you have it… straight from the horse’s mouth! Ladies, here you have a black man telling you that he could understand why a black man would date outside of his race….just to feel someone’s hair/scalp… than to stick around and not be able to express his silent form of affection to you. I’ve even posted this question on Twitter and got blocked from tweeting because I ran out of my daily allotted tweets by responding to the sea of guys who said that they wished they could touch their girl’s hair/head. I posted it again today and will see what happens.

        So in closing, Black women… we’ve got to do better when it comes to allowing our kings to touch our hair. Maybe let him touch it for the few days leading up to a retouch, or right after you get it washed. Maybe this is the connection that we need to re-establish in order to allow intimacy to flow from a natural place, unrestricted by social taboos and norms. Maybe, and just maybe this will cause Mr. Lynch to shake in his grave if we can get one woman to allow her man to run his fingers through her hair. Would it hurt us to share this portion of ourselves? Would it kill us to open of a gateway to intimacy that hasn’t been there since the invention of a hot comb? Can we learn that there are things far more important than our hair? I hope so……your relationship is counting on it. And I am not asking you to let everyone touch your hair… just your man. SO yes, if the complete stranger (white woman) standing behind you at the Reagan National Airport decides amongst her friends that you have beautiful hair and decides to reach out and run her fingers through your hair…..(This happened to me)…..just breathe before you commit a felony. Everyone is not as restrictive as we are about our hair….and this is the day that you may need to examine why. It is my suggestion that we ask ourselves if this is the cause of why black love has a “loc” on intimacy.


~*My Mother’s Daughter*~

  1. Hello! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this website? I’m getting fed up of WordPress because I’ve had issues with hackers and I’m looking at options for another platform. I would be fantastic if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

    • I am using wordpress. Havent had a hacker issue yet *knocks on wood*. But I like it. SorryI wasnt able to help further.

  2. Ok, I really don’t understand why alot African American men think that African American women don’t like getting their hair pulled.

    All of my friends are freaks. They are intelligent,confident, successful, beautiful, independent FREAKS.

    I think if you’re open and willing to be powerless and unhibited than you’re open to almost anything; like getting your hair pulled or getting smacked on the ass.

    I’m like that, and I KNOW all my girlfriends.

    • Well, I dont think that being a freak is a sure fire way to know that you like your hair pulled. There are different castes in Freakdom and each one is different. You may like your hair pulled but your homegirl may not. She may like her butt licked you may….ok bad example, but you get me. Even Nia Long in “Good Hair” said that she is very much into sex but she would rather be on top than to mess her hair up. There are several women who are this way.

      So, LETS KEEP SEX OUT OF THIS. Lets stick with the basics of this problem and that is approved touching zones.

      We have to stop thinking about US as individuals and listen to what the guys are saying. I have posted what guys are saying from Twitter and other sites I visit. THEY have to deal with US and if THEY see it as a massive problem, then nothing we can say is going to change that view for them other than changing our actions. I am a female and I see it as a problem, which is why I posted the question. When I had my hair permed, NO ONE was allowed to touch it but me and my hairdresser…. what for? I didnt see the need. But as soon as I went natural I didnt care if my man touched my hair. I actually liked it because I realized how much I liked my scalp massaged or fingers ran through my hair. It is kinky as hell! BUT, I am not every woman. You and I are 2 out of a Billion AA women who like to have our hair played with ( DONT PULL MY SHIT I’LL KILL YOU!). So we have to address this to the masses. And I say that we also have to tell guys and girls that there are levels.

      The levels are:
      1. Brushing his hand over the hair but not mashing the style
      2. Rubbing the edges while brushing his hand in the direction that the hair is going
      3. Playing with the ends of the hair
      4. Massaging the scalp gently

      FEW women will like #5 but it exists and everyone needs to stop thinking that #5 is the only option that there is. SO no… this has NOTHING to do with being a freak. This has everything to do with every day intimacy. There are wives who dont let their husbands touch their hair while sitting on the couch cuddled up watching a movie…..we’ve got to change this.

  3. James F Wrote: wow great question…its different forms of intimacy but in a way yes..sometimes a man wants to run his fingers through his woman’s hair and i think he should be able to to do that without it being a problem

  4. Ms2Deep and Shay Love I’ve read both your comments and you are both right. Us touching your hair is our way of saying we are interested, your response shows us your interest to a certain degree. Black Men are conditioned not to touch a Black Woman’s hair. I’ve never heard of the negative stigma about guys who played with hair because I grew up braiding and combing my sister’s hair getting her ready for school, ect. So when I started dating and having Black Women say I couldn’t touch their hair was a shock to me. I did become conditioned not to touch the hair to the point that I was in a 10 year relationship and never touched her hair. The hair pulling thing that Shay Love talks about…I’ve never done that before, and never even thought about it because I didn’t think a Black Women would allow it.

  5. Chris C Wrote: Absolutely!…That’s why I love a natural lady…she can get a pick, flat iron or blow dyer & not get upset with me when I go to pulling her hair!…lol

  6. James M writes: Yes in some situations it can remove intimacy, being able to touch or stroke a woman’s hair creates intimacy and a closer bond that honestly some black men (like myself) have rarely experienced.

  7. Ok so,let me first say that I’ve never had a problem with a man touching my hair, not when it was braided, wearved out, relaxed or natural. I never had a problem.

    However, I’ve dated very few men that WANTED to touch my hair. So, maybe the problem isn’t US but THEM.

    I’ve had a few boyfriends touch my hair but they did it VERY rarely. Funnily enough – now that my hair is natural men of all races ask to touch it or feel free to jump right in a grab a handful.

    I hear so many people, men and women, speak on this topic and the general consensus is that ” you can’t touch a AA woman’s hair” – I wonder if that is the reason why so many men don’t even try.

    So again, I don’t have a problem with men playing in my hair – in fact it turns me on – the reality of the situation is that most of them don’t want to. To me, the real question is – “Why don’t you want to play in my hair?”

    Also, as far as the hair pulling thing – I can’t honestly tell you why I like it… not really. I think I just like it when a man dominates me – to a certain degree. Something about that is very enjoyable. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want my hair yanked out of my head! But a little tug is cool.

    • LMAO!!!!!!! @ “a little tug is cool” lmao! Diva I simply love you for your honesty!

      I think the reason why most men “dont want to” is because they hae been conditioned NOT to…therefore when they come across a woman who will allow them to do so it is not in their routine to do so, so they dont. There is also a negative stigma with guys who play in/with hair. The action of a younger boy playing in his mother’s hair gets canceled quick by a parent fearing homosexuality. Therefore taking away another chance for him to learn how to interact with a AA’s hair. These are my thoughts…. but there could be several other reasons.

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