~*2Deep*~

Yes, I’m Fat….Thanks for Noticing

In So-Shall Experience on 5 September 2010 at 1:09 pm

There's no hope for me if THIS is considered too fat!

 

AN UNCENSORED WARNING: If you are about to read this..please leave a comment below so I know what you think so I can know what writing works and what doesnt. It simply irks the $#!+ out of me for me to write all this, people read and not respond. Actually, its rude as hell. Now….enjoy.     

My night ended and my day began with the discussion of being the plus size friend. Something that is a bit of a taboo conversation, and depending on what region of the world you’re in,it also has a different source of relevancy. Well, being plus size in the Nation’s capital is like being the lone colored person at the taping of Birth of a Nation; you may have the privilege of being there, but trust me when I tell you that you are nothing more than a prop or hired help. Even yesterday my friends and I had conversations of whether or not I was this guy’s “type”. I explained to them that seldom am I ever anyone’s type. One goes on to tell me that I have to stop thinking that way because it could read on me. I swiftly told her that I never think poorly of myself and that I am the business every time I step my foot on this green earth, but common sense can tell you when a person just isn’t that into you; you recognize that and you keep it moving. Only desperate people stay around when they’re not wanted. Thankfully, I am not that type of woman because knowing when you are not wanted can save you the blunt force of rejection that gets thrusted in your face or stabbed in your back by either a casual flirt or a love interests who subtly or boldly lets you know that its your weight that makes you unattractive.    

Despite any amount of confidence one may have leaving the house, not even your understanding of placing the whole armor of God on could shield you from the source of hate and disgust that could be issued in your direction upon stepping foot off of your personal property. The amount of separation that the world places on plus size people would never equate to the battle of homosexuals or the holocaust, but it does resemble that of the Civil Rights era. Actually, it could be just a tad bit worse because the bigots dont out right express their hatred for you. Brand name stores like LVLX, RAVE, and Vera Wang are encrypted signs that say No Fats allowed, Fit Persons Only. You should check the seat of the sales person’s size 2 panties as she is about to drop a load on herself when a plus size woman enters one of these stores. She tries to both monitor the items that the plus size person has in their arm and remember the politically correct phrasing for reminding the plus size person that their big ass has no home within the walls of this anti-obese clothing facility. Inside, the plus size person wants to scream, “Trick, can I please shop your jewelry in peace?” or “May I please purchase this size zero for a family member or friend without you preparing a eulogy for the zipper without my having even asked for the location of the dressing rooms?” No matter where we go, we are just assumed to be one way rather than being taken on an individual basis.      

I carry the  struggle of weight just like the next plus size person, but I am my own person. I can get up and run a mile without complaining….but who does that for fun? lol. I can teach dance classes for hours without even noticing that this is in fact considered exercise, or walk the mall for hours carrying bags and never once request to sit down from body aches. I am NOT by any stretch of the imagination the most athletic person you will ever meet, but I am also not the laziest. If you were to follow me on any given day you would imagine how a person could move around so much and be my size, just to come to the conclusion of confusion when I tell you that I am both safe and harmed behind the walls of my fat rolls. Here I know that not many people will look my way when standing beside my rather modelesque or regular/average sized friends, but I am also safe from the people who would still overlook my mind and what I have to offer just because they are attracted to my outer presence. So, I don’t know the next person’s battle, but mine is to never be seen as just another ass for another deceptive guy to place on his conquer list. My fat has become my defense mechanism….but here I sit watching the world that I was once a part of wanting to belong to it once more …..just without the risks.      

So, to all the plus size girls out there….I know what it feels like to fall in love with a guy and to be hidden and confined to after dark visits, never introduced to friends or family and treated differently than when you first met. I know what it feels like for people to swiftly push-off your concerns about how the world treats you by telling you that “if its your weight that you feel is the problem, then why not just lose the weight.” I know what it feels like to walk into a club with other plus size friends and hear a guy yell “Damn, there must be a buffet in the back with all of these big bitches coming up in here” or the guy sporting a shirt with the silhouette of a grotesque replica of a plus size girl surrounded by burgers and fries and other carb induced items adorned with the Ghostbusters “No” sign that reads “I don’t do Big Bitches”. Or to be walking with your friends, dressed in your best from head to toe, feeling confident in your decision as you have not fallen into the BGID [Big Girls in Denial] syndrome,you’re properly & proportionately covered and looking dazzling…just to have a guy walk up to you and say “If that’s your best, I don’t want to see your worse” . He then gives his cronies dap and other male bonding gestures that now makes him a man for trying to defeat an innocent woman just because she wasnt aesthetically pleasing to him. Also,I know what it feels like to be out dancing with your friends as a guy walks over to dance with one of the thinner divas, takes her purse and shoes that she was holding in her hand and hands them to you after saying “Here, you can hold this since no one is going to dance with you anyway.” Or to go to a Howard University homecoming and have a guy videotape and joke on another plus size friend that you came with as you jump in the line of the camera’s shot to block and protect your innocent friend from becoming the target of an internet joke fest…just to have her turn on you and say that you don’t understand because you’re smaller than her and not really plus size. What about reading a tweet that says “….. if you let yourself go, dont expect me to hold on.”? And I also know what it feels like to playfully flirt with a friend and watch him turn to every OTHER friend you’re with while your back is turned and attempt to flirt with them, or to sit in the backseat of a car and have that same guy think that you are either stupid enough or blind enough for the dark of night to mask his holding hands with a friend that you just introduced him to as she sits quietly in the front seat with his hand rested on her knee/thigh. I know what it feels like to sit back after all of this has happened and wonder if being thinner would make you visible again or wonder what could be so wrong with you that people don’t properly take your emotions into consideration.      

What I have found after all of this soul-searching is that….. it is not me. Also, it is not my friends’ fault for being who they are. Yet, after all of that you try to compartmentalize the pain that comes with being you…with being a citizen in the land of More of You To Love…just to conclude that there is nothing you can do. I love myself just the way I am and it is wrong of me to let other’s actions in the presence of who I am make me feel as if I am inadequate, or that I am any less of the beautifully God crafted woman who I was intended to be. I deserve respect, I deserve love, and although all of that evades me now…..one day it will come when it is supposed to and I don’t think that me being a smaller size should have anything to do with that match made in heaven occurring for me. In the meantime, I just have to laugh at the many people who overlook the joy that is within me, the intelligence that i house, and the romantic gestures that I wish to one day share with my husband….in a way my size is allowing shallow people to pass me by and in the present mind frame I’m okay with that. My message to the bigots is that I will not try to change you, if you promise not to try to change me. So, with that…I will continue to analyze why these negative comments and actions issued in my direction as if I am not human, not attractive, not capable of understanding that I am being dissed…hurt as much as they do. Why do these comments keep me from socializing on a personal level, reaching outside of my comfort zone and grabbing life by the balls and saying , “Fuck You! Now pass me the plate”.  I guess it’s too much to try to process all at once, to dissect and understand so I compartmentalize, and when asked why I am so upset I respond with….I’m just too fat for words.      

One day, the world will come to learn that being plus sized is genetics, a taught/learned behavior, a medical disease [a disorder or thyroid], and a process that one jokes on only makes the matter worse. This just happens to be a personal battle that we wear on our sleeves, stomachs, and thighs so many feel they can attack it, ignore it, disrespect it, and judge it. I’d love to see the day when alcoholics, liars, sex addicts, adulteress, and thieves [etc.] could wear their habits on their sleeves, able to be viewed by the rest of the world. Until then, I am a brave soul to know that I hold my head up ever day I walk into the world, fat and all, as the world can see my habits and continue to not make an excuse for who I am. I tell the rest of the world that if you are so above me….why do you hide your habits? Why do you throw up behind closed doors, hold hands in the dark, drink while others aren’t looking or sex with someone you just met in hopes that they will say I love you back and mean it? Yes, I’m  fat….thanks for noticing. Now…what else can you see?      

~Sincerely,      

My Mother’s Daughter

Advertisements
  1. This was a valuable read. I’ve struggled with this issue but from the other side.

    I believe that all people will get judged in some way. No matter what I’m the light skinned, bourgeois, skinny chick and it’s always perceived that I may be stuck-up or think I’m better then everyone to the point where when I meet someone new I have to prove that I’m actually nice, and that I’m not here to still their man. However, being the friend (the skinny chick) sucks at times (if the friendship in genuine) as a friend I just want you to be happy, joyous, proud, and have fun so we can have some fun together, but how do I do that effectively when a situation like a dude coming up to us (who probably neither of us want) and picks “the skinny chick”? Having talks to make everyone aware is a great step.

    At the end of the day it’s about seeing the personality and LOVING that person not because of anything externally. However, for argument sake, I’ve been in the position where I have to prove my love or friendship for a person, but I’m more proving that it’s past their looks and they didn’t believe me, or maybe they didn’t believe someone like me could love them (or they weren’t my type), they got to walk off blaming me of being shallow and continue their life just fine and I stood in tears thinking of what way I could prove to them I loved them just as they were. There’s a disconnect of love and friendship happening that is worth being discussed.

    Thank you for posting this and I’m sorry my comment was so long.

    • No, I thank you for your comment you skinny chick! lol.

      As I mentioned in my blog, I can never be mad at you (my friend). For instance, When we crossed the street in front of the bikers. I noticed them first, even waved, but the dude pulled up right beside you and behaved as if I wasnt even holding your hand 10 inches away. I’m so use to it. I let you finish your conversation and continued to protect your tipsy behind from traffic once you turned around b/c that was my “role” that is what the big girl friend does. We look out for everyone else while no one sees us. It doesnt make it right by any stretch of the imagination….but we do it. I still love you b/c it wasnt you that was ignoring me.

      There also is a lack of correction of bad behavior. If the skinny friend would correct the behavior of the guys who diss their big friends, that would help a little more too. but everyone gets caught up in the moment so I wont hold my breath for that to happen either. it is just the way it is and all I can do is write about it, but it wont change anything. But I thank you for writing and giving your side as well.

  2. That’s deep. Lucky for me I’m not the date skinny chicks guy. Quiet as it is kept alot of guys have issues with weight. Nothing is worst than hearing he’s cute but he’s fat or chubby. WTF does that have to do with anything. But I digress. I understand what you are saying. My mom isn’t a small woman I guess that’s why I never dated women who were skinny huh??

    • But one would never know that you didnt date skinny girls. Actually I would have assumed that would be all that you dated….in public. lol. But yes, Guys have issues with weight as well….but since I am only a girl I can only write from this perspective. But I thank you and appreciate you for your comment.

  3. […] the shorter version but shorter than the longest version….in response to my blog  “Yes, I’m Fat… Thanks for Noticing“ he made a good point that reminded me of an idea that I’ve had for years; Why are […]

  4. I love your attitude regarding this issue because in the end, you gotta be you and whoever you love has to love you for who you ARE, not your size. But I will say that there are plenty of brothas out there that love a lil sumthin to hold on to. But I digress… I used to be a bigger girl. Now I’m somewhere in between big and average (whatever that means). Point is, I have a hard time shopping in plus sized stores and name brand stores. Seems like no one makes clothes just for me. When I bring this up, my larger friends act like I’m talking out the side of my neck. I hate it when plus sized women tell me I don’t understand their “issues” and the discrimination and hurt feelings… Let me say that just because I lost some weight doesn’t meant that my memory went down the drain! I remember the very hurtful comments and comparisons to skinny friends very well. Hell, I still deal with those things today. There should be more conversations like this. Let me go comment on another blog post….getting a little ‘in my feelings’ with this one. And yes….that model is too damn fat!

    • Hahahahahahahaha Girl you had me rolling. I guess I scared you into posting that you felt you had to go post on everything. But I feel you and TRUST when I tell you more posts are coming. Love ya! And thanks for your support.

  5. Those were some very insightful words. We’ve talked about this before so you know how I feel. Its so interesting that you bring to light that the rest of the world “hides” their habits while plus-sized people wear theirs. You’d think for all the people looking for a strong man or woman that the plus size with confidence and beauty would be the ones to go after because having your habits (weaknesses so to speak) displayed and to still stand up and go through life is nothing short of a strong person. Keep writing Daughter…

  6. Very insightful words. In the end, you know factually that no one can define beauty that is within us all. Interior or exterior, we are the ultimate of what we see. Damn what others see. Be happy with self and maintain strength as you noted. People are ignorant beyond belief; but if you give them to power to define you; you will lose. Maintain self as you have and move forward! Your future “husband” is that one whose opinion must matter to you; not the ignorant masses! Move forward and build on! Cheers

  7. Damn girl- that was DEEP! but oh so true. I must say that I’ve been both a size 5 and plus size, – and sometimes hard for me to remember I am the same person on the inside. But I am one of the lucky few, I found a man that loves me in both forms unconditionally. He stills says I am sexy even when I feel like a Fat PIG! So I do have a wonderful support that helps me move on with life, and I have amazing friends (one D.T.C I won’t name 🙂 that love me no matter. I am amzed at how you are able to put the feelings into words so eloquently and make me proud (even if just for a moment) to be plus size, and be happy I am who I am! I love you sis! Thanks for sharing!

    • Kenisha, you know that you and I go waaaaaaaaaaaaay back to the days when mid drifts an bikinis were our thing to do. We saw the beauty in all of it, and I still see the beautyin both myself and you. The difference between us and others is that we’ve learned the person inside and the outside doesnt matter. People seldom take that time and that is why the world is in such a downfall. If the world were filled with more accepting people then the world would be a better place.

  8. wow i may have to read this 3 more times this is a very powerful read…my eyes are a little watery and not because im a “depressed” fat chick but because i know what u mean. No matter how much confidence i have or how smart or even how much money I have in the bank Being Fat is all anyones sees. (to be continued when i return )

    • Thanks for reading.It just drove me nuts at the fact of how people will try to make you think that everything bad that is happening you will change if you just lost the weight. Butmy losing the weight wontchange the way that people think towards bigger people, it just took away a person for them to judgeand hate on.I cant wait for you to return, God bless!

  9. Girl! You put your foot in this hheeeeyah!! Yes! I need to think on this for a bit. But just know I am thinking of you, me and a of us who are “plus” and have had to endure the comments. So many people judge (in general) when in reality they should be checking for their own s@$! without always worrying about others. And when did people have to be so unkind? You know? I think people don’t have filters, don’t care or are just straight rude. I wish folks would just consider others. In the meantime, we will fight back. Girl, I have so much more I can say – stories I could tell you.

    Thank you so much for this post…<3

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: