~*2Deep*~

……My Mother’s Daughter; Uncensored

In Random Mannerisms & Thoughts on 3 September 2010 at 1:46 pm

       How long can a person hold a grudge? How can one let go of a grudge that digs far deeper than even they are capable of comprehending? I’m afraid that I need to know the answer to these questions because not knowing how to cope is driving me to an early grave.

        In the wake of years of hurt, tears, and deceit that has been thrown in my way I have found that the coping mechanism of ignoring and deleting people from my life has been the only way that I can temporarily get over things. Apologies do not help me, 3rd and 4th chances just make me feel stupid for trusting, and sticking it out makes me question my intelligence for having faith in something that never deserved it in the first place.

        Speaking of faith….I try to hold out and wonder what I am learning from this. What mark do I have emblazoned upon my forehead that says bring all of these trials to me? I keep moving, fill my days to the brim, and have thousands of people wanting to be near me and all I can think about is wanting to be by myself because it is safer there. That is the kind of faith that I have. I can bank on my faith in solitude. Bank on the fact that no one can harm me if they do not know me, if they do not make promises to me that they can never keep. I tell you that it hurts….Today someone falls through on a promise stings, tomorrow a person renigs on another promise, day after tomorrow i stop accepting a person’s word…but the sting doesn’t hurt any less.

I am in the process of writing 3 people who have caused me the most pain some very deep and personal letters to express why i cant have any further contact with them ever again in my life…..but that wont make the pain go away. Those letters wont seal up the years and years that I have carried this hurt and pain inside of me. I don’t know how to get rid of that. Everyone thinks that I am so strong, when in fact ,I am just the best actress that you’ve ever met and should win an award…..but I would rather know how to complete the process of pain.  I would rather know how to take something at face value and keep it moving without letting is phase me.

I’m fed up with being the only person who cares about everyone else’s feelings but people do not take into consideration mine. That is part of the reason I started this blog….to open my already loud mouth and finally say something worth hearing. I want to be free from secrets, free from my life being dictated by other people’s actions and waiting for the world to come into my corner and play nice. I want to be uncensored….that is being free to me. Being uncensored is the unleashing of years of me biting my tongue, holding my thoughts, and conforming. Nothing will be done out of malice, but it will all be my truth. I pray for forgiveness and understanding and guidance as I write. I guess I need to start with the pain from the top….the pain that comes with being My Mother’s Daughter….

Sincerely,

My Mother’s Daughter.

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